Did imaginal exposure and feeling really weird after like my body is in turmoil

[dealzz15]

So I just had therapy today and we were talking about how I need to set boundaries with my father but how I'm too scared to because of the fear of him going into rage and we ended up doing what I think is imaginal exposure but not 100% sure. She had me close my eyes and relive a moment when my dad went into rage after not getting his thoughts validated to figure out how my body was feeling since I usually can't identify it because I freeze up. I felt a lot of tightness in my chest and the sense of fear and my mind froze up while also having quick attempts of how to stop it with the end result that I just endure his anger.

After this we went to the earliest memory of this type of encounter and found it back to when I was a kid like 5 and forced to play a sport even though I hated it and identified how I felt and that my parents didn't listen to my voice and she had me talk to the younger me and I told myself that its unfair and I should have a say. Then she asked me if I had anything else to say and I said I love her and for some reason that really got to be and kinda activated inner turmoil.

We had to stop cause the session was over but I'm still feeling in distress right now and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to walk and hoping it would clear my mind but I still feel the physical sensation of hurt and that there's like an empty hole sucking everything and my feelings are out of wack like panicking. I don't know what to do stop this or calm it down. It feels like there's a dagger in me and I'm still continuing go despite me bleeding. I want to stop this so bad but I don't know how. I want to smoke weed so bad but I"m trying not to and to deal with it naturally but how do you do that.

If anyone had any advice Id greatly appreciate it. I'm trying to do other things right now to regulate how I'm feeling like playing games but its not doing anything. This feels deeper and I just feel so lost

Edit: Ive been doing more thinking and I'm wondering if its hypervigilance because I feel like I'm searching for a threat that will never come and my mind knows there's no danger but my body doesn't know this. I'm feeling a little better but still on edge and still feeling lost and alone. I want to hang out with my friends but I feel like I can't I feel like I'm going to do something to ruin it which might be insecurity about my worth. I'm just so confused and want to stop it, I just need a break from feeling this way. How can I tell myself that I'm safe and really believe it? because I'm trying to calm myself down but my body wont let me relax

[Starboard Song]

Edit: Ive been doing more thinking and I'm wondering if its hypervigilance because I feel like I'm searching for a threat that will never come and my mind knows there's no danger but my body doesn't know this. I'm feeling a little better but still on edge and still feeling lost and alone.

I think that's right. I've often said that we've all broken our injustice meters. Like, many of us now get angry in a way we didn't before when there is a bully character in a movie. That's harmless enough. But we also get outraged quick by perceived slights: our injustice meters just got red-lined too hard and now they are a little broken. I think you have one of those broken meters. Yeah: I am just making up a metaphor for hyper-vigilance. I try to emphasize that the hyper part is an error: we are over-vigilant, or -- maybe -- over-responsive.

I think you are on the right track. I am sorry that it is such a hard track. It is a very hard track. This is actually hard. You are doing well for such a tough track.

Please consider setting up some time to hang out with friends, but maybe try to control the scenario a little: fewer people, for less time, in a more controlled environment are all good directions to point in. You may not have it in you to be out past 11 with six friends, but maybe you can have lunch with two of them, you know?

Be kind to yourself and just keep taking good steps.

And hey, it is admirable that you are trying to recognizing coping mechanisms that aren't the best for you. If weed is bad for you, stay away from it. Good luck.

[NarcKiddo]

 

Also, I very often get upset if I try to engage with my inner child and be kind to or listen to her. For me it helps if I do not try to ask her anything or suggest things to her. If I just tell her it's ok over and over that is often the most helpful. Or if I have to get stuff done and calm myself quickly I imagine taking her by the hand, telling her it's ok and that we can talk later but right now I need to do xyz.

[keepmoving]

dealzz15,
I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time. Moments like these can be very overwhelming, it shows how strong you are that you've reached out for support and are working to give yourself the care you need.

If anyone had any advice Id greatly appreciate it. I'm trying to do other things right now to regulate how I'm feeling like playing games but its not doing anything. This feels deeper and I just feel so lost

It may be you are processing emotions you haven't been able to because previously how you felt was ignored by the people supposed to care for you. Or it may be the hypervigilance as you stated, causing your body to stay on edge.


If the sensory experience becomes too overwhelming and you're trying to bring yourself back to the present, my tricks for doing this are:
If I'm in public I'll carry an essential oil with me that I can subtly smell if I feel overwhelmed, it is just enough of a sensory distraction that I can feel present.
If I'm in private I'll either journal everything I'm feeling or want to say until I'm tired or do a physical activity like running to engage another part of my brain or body, basically just tire myself out so I don't have the energy to be stressed.

There is also something called trauma release exercises (TRE) which is supposedly (if I remember correctly) based on the idea that prey who have escaped a predator will lay down and shake until the adrenaline or whatever stress chemicals/hormones have been released exit them. And supposedly, since humans don't do this, after having a traumatic experience, this energy gets trapped in them.

I kind of read about this idea and then made it my own, I lay on a yoga mat or bed and shake my body/limbs until I feel less overwhelmed with emotions. And it actually works for me, it probably is just another way to engage your body and get back into the present, but I like to think I'm shaking the feelings of despair and helplessness out of myself.

Hopefully some of this is helpful, we are here for you