CPTSD, toxic shame and pornography

[ken10]

Hi, I am new here. I am hoping to connect with likeminded people who suffer from CPTSD, toxic shame and have had problems in their long-term relationships.

Four months ago I left my partner of three years. I had a flight response following a stressful time at work and regular arguments and unrest between us, much of which I believe were problems that I manufactured. We lived together, spending nearly every day with each other for that entire time. We are good friends and both of us agree that this is the biggest loss for us. I can't even recall the reason for leaving her, I just blew up over a feeling that I was losing my autonomy and just couldn't sit with my emotions. This has happened before in previous relationships - I leave people who I love dearly - it is a living hell.

For background I was drinking, smoking and using pornography heavily at the time.

Pete Walkers book on complex PTSD has been an incredible eye opener to my behaviour. I'm still learning more about my attachment style and how I am also a fawn type, often neglecting my own needs. As a grown child I've often taken on the entertainer role, the jokester, performer and felt that deep down this was only increasing my shame and loneliness.

I struggle to bring my full self into relationships. I am highly sensitive to other people's moods and emotions. Especially my parents who fought fiercely as I went through puberty as a teenager. I'd often hide in cupboards and small spaces and made regular attempts to run away.

I am now in my early forties.

My dad is an alcoholic and in December I found him naked, face down, passed out on my bedroom floor. I had to carry him to bed (he's heavy 😝). He didn't remember anything the next day and my mum asked me not to speak with my sisters about it which makes me feel even more isolated.

I am now sober, have stopped smoking and using pornography. I am beginning to see a stronger and clearer me emerging. I am here to heal alongside others and strengthen my recovery.

Recovery is hard! I want to stay close to this process more than ever now as I can see how it is impacting my long term goals both in my personal and professional life.I've been a very angry person, with my dad and the world around me. It's insufferable and at times I've not wanted to wake up. I've never harmed myself or tried to kill myself but I worry about my thoughts a great deal.

Meditation has really helped as well as a daily journal and lots of love letter writing which helps to shift negative energies that I'm experiencing. I have a lot more grieving to do it seems. All the anger, pain and resentment has given me 🔥 and if I haven't got talent in anything else, I have always been able to use my pain for good use.

Thanks for reading this far and hope you all have an awesome day.

[Starboard Song]

I am hoping to connect with likeminded people who suffer from CPTSD, toxic shame and have had problems in their long-term relationships.

10, welcome to Out of the FOG!

Based on your introduction, consider stepping over to our sister site, Out of the Storm, which is dedicated to support and healing for those with c-PTSD: folks working on that toxic shame and damage to their long-term relationships. Out of the Storm is right down your line.

At Out of the FOG,  we focus specifically on those folks who struggle to manage or  mitigate -- and yes, heal from -- their interactions with people who have personality disorders. If the special dynamics of PDs are a part of your story, we may also be the right place for you.

Either way, I am really glad you are taking important good steps to preserve yourself: people around you need you in their lives, and need you at your best. So thanks for taking action, and knowing it won't be easy soon. You can do this.

Be good. Be strong.

[bloomie]

Welcome to Out of the FOG. I was struck by the decided, healthy steps you are taking and the self awareness you describe having in your intro post. Bravo to you for choosing sobriety and to step away from habits that are limiting your reaching your full potential!

Take a look around at the tools and resources as you settle in. Wishing you every bit of strength as you heal, grieve, and grow!