Death Doesn't Mean it is Over

[bloomie]

In the past several months, after a painful injury and weeks of lingering, uPDmil has passed.

Bearing witness to the in law family dynamic and the process of weakening health, extreme need and dependency of an elder, in a system that mil dominated and controlled even on her death bed, has been a master class in dysfunctional, high drama, toxic familial connections and profound inability and unwillingness to communicate respectfully and clearly.

As mixed up as my FOO may have been, both of my parents passed in peace and with dignity. In mil's passing there was screeching at all hours of the night, hysteria, vacillating in decisions, confrontation of some of us for our past perceived 'failures', rage and a well of bitterness which instantly transformed when she had visitors. (for note she does not have dementia - this was all her)

I have often believed that you can see the depth of who a person is at the bedside in illness or in the death process like no other time. I also believe you can see what they rely on and what is truly important and foundational to them.

That certainly proved to be true in this case. So much validation for the toxic behaviors I have encountered for decades as I saw how this woman lived out her last weeks. 

And so much important information as I watched my H, who was responsible for her wellbeing and all aspects of her care, engage. A lot to process and think about and frankly, recover from. It was one of the most difficult things I have had to experience and brought our marriage to a brink we are still trying to move back from.

And still the contact continues with in law family members I have been NC with for years as the things of death unfold... memorial service, clearing her home of belongings, and the financial piece that is ongoing at this point... not to mention an investment group with difficult extended family that we are now a part of. 

I naively thought that once mil passed and the estate stuff settled it would finally be over. (still in the midst of all of that) That contact would not be forced through that mutual relationship with H's sibling who is her mother's mini me and would also be over with extended family members who have been terrible to deal with.

I was wrong. I am finding out I am legally and financially tied to these people through a complex group of investments for literally as long as I live and then it will transfer to my children forcing involvement and contact they do not want.

Oh, and now everyone is assuming one big kumbaya as all of 'the family' was drawn together in a new way with the passing of mil and changing of the guard... and they are planning a massive family reunion and a chance to let bygones be bygones. "It's time to bury the hatchet." is what was said about this reunion. Well, they will have to first remove it from our backs where it has been for years I'm thinking.

Jesus take the wheel...

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, bloomie.

My ex-husband's parents, for whom he had been the live-in caregiver, died more than four years ago (within about 7 weeks of each other). Almost nothing has been done to settle the estate. I'm not affected by that, except to the extent that I'm concerned about my ex potentially throwing away thousands (or hundreds of thousands) of dollars that could support him in his old age or go to our children.

[moglow]

Bloomie, I'm sorry to see this. I'm reminded of a member years ago who said of her PDmother, "She left this world as she had lived it, middle finger firmly in the air." There's no peace in that kind of passing but hopefully there's peace to be found for the rest of you. The deathbed drama was borne out with every passing in mother's family - blessedly there's truly no one left to carry out that fracas.

That hatchet you speak of? Also a familiar feeling. I would think apologies are long overdue before the family circle could even consider mending. They may plan what they wish, and you can decide if you're interested in participating.

We're here with you, always.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Bloomie, I'm so sorry to read this. I know it has been a very long road already and to discover that there's more where that came from unto the next generations has to be so much.

If you decide you really want to, I do think there should be some way of disentangling yourself financially. I had some questionable life insurance on me that I was able to dump relatively painlessly. Obviously your situation is not the same, but if it would give you more peace to just be out, it's worth following up with the right financial professionals.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Bloomie,

Im sorry to read of the continued hardship to you and all involved in her drama.  My condolences as well to your husband and his sibs and other FOO family. My mil also went out verbally swinging even more than she did for the decades prior in which I knew her.  Im sorry for the financial entanglement that exists for you. 

100% agree with:

"I have often believed that you can see the depth of who a person is at the bedside in illness or in the death process like no other time. I also believe you can see what they rely on and what is truly important and foundational to them."

I like to think of the analogy of trees.  In the spring and summer of life the Chlorophyll does its best to make the tree canopies blend in together fairly well in a sea of green, which some exceptions. But come the fall and winter of life when the mask of Chlorophyll departs, those true inner differentiating colors become highly visible.  Even more so with my own mil with the double-edged tongue.

My prayerful thought toward your situation as you move steady forward.

SoT

[xredshoesx]

bloomie i am so sorry you are dealing with the blow back of all the nuances that death of someone estranged brings.  sending love and peace to you and DH today and always.  i agree with cordelia- if there is a way a lawyer can get you out of the investment it's worth looking into.  money = strings attached = MIL's knife still in your back. 

[bloomie]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, bloomie.

My ex-husband's parents, for whom he had been the live-in caregiver, died more than four years ago (within about 7 weeks of each other). Almost nothing has been done to settle the estate. I'm not affected by that, except to the extent that I'm concerned about my ex potentially throwing away thousands (or hundreds of thousands) of dollars that could support him in his old age or go to our children.

Poison Ivy - this is jaw dropping! Four years out and nothing settled. I am thankful you are at a distance in observation mode.

[bloomie]

Bloomie, I'm sorry to see this. I'm reminded of a member years ago who said of her PDmother, "She left this world as she had lived it, middle finger firmly in the air." There's no peace in that kind of passing but hopefully there's peace to be found for the rest of you. The deathbed drama was borne out with every passing in mother's family - blessedly there's truly no one left to carry out that fracas.

That hatchet you speak of? Also a familiar feeling. I would think apologies are long overdue before the family circle could even consider mending. They may plan what they wish, and you can decide if you're interested in participating.

We're here with you, always.

Thank you, Moglow! I am still astounded at the chaos and drama that unfolded around and with one tiny elderly person. Talk about a person having power that was used for vain glory and self service that could've been used to build others up and make a true difference in this world!

And in law family doesn't 'do' apologies. They are never wrong. We are expected to fall in line and carry on as if all things are new, bright, and restored within this group of people.

[bloomie]

Bloomie, I'm so sorry to read this. I know it has been a very long road already and to discover that there's more where that came from unto the next generations has to be so much.

If you decide you really want to, I do think there should be some way of disentangling yourself financially. I had some questionable life insurance on me that I was able to dump relatively painlessly. Obviously your situation is not the same, but if it would give you more peace to just be out, it's worth following up with the right financial professionals.

Cordelia I appreciate your support! And encouragement to find a way to disentangle myself once the dust settles.

We meet with our attorney in the next few weeks to update our own legal stuff and I am going to ask what would be my legal/financial exposure if I just walk away from the group. I want to understand if I can extricate myself any other way. Seems drastic, but thinking about trying to participate and negotiate with this group of people by myself if I should lose my H is weighing heavy on my heart and mind.

[bloomie]

I like to think of the analogy of trees.  In the spring and summer of life the Chlorophyll does its best to make the tree canopies blend in together fairly well in a sea of green, which some exceptions. But come the fall and winter of life when the mask of Chlorophyll departs, those true inner differentiating colors become highly visible.  Even more so with my own mil with the double-edged tongue.

This is speaks to me, SOT. Through all of the years of struggle with the in laws I have so often thought that for me, their life choices and heart posture toward others have been a cautionary tale. A living reminder to keep my roots healthy and to mind my pruning of the dead wood so the light can shine through and the air can flow and I can bear good fruit.

Thank you for your prayers!

[bloomie]

bloomie i am so sorry you are dealing with the blow back of all the nuances that death of someone estranged brings.  sending love and peace to you and DH today and always.  i agree with cordelia- if there is a way a lawyer can get you out of the investment it's worth looking into.  money = strings attached = MIL's knife still in your back. 

xredshoesx - you summed it up perfectly! 'the blow back of all the nuances that death of someone estranged brings.' That is what this experience continues to be like - just when I get steady on my feet and start to recover from living in such a high state of alertness and never taking my armor off there is more blow back and I am scrambling again.

I know it will get better and my nervous system will settle down in time.

[bloomie]

Well, I took a quiet time with my H and we talked through where things are at and assessed how this has challenged and impacted our connection. I also was firm that whatever he chooses to do about future gatherings with his extended family is up to him, but for me, it is a no go.

What complicates all of this is H's limited ability to communicate and engage with me in an integrated, consistent way. He is, in general, an all over the map person who can easily drift with the wind of the moment saying and doing one thing and then saying and doing the opposite.

As you can imagine, being married to someone who straddles the fence most of the time and is highly susceptible to being something The Bible calls: double minded, wavering - is challenging and can leave me at high risk when I least expect it. 

Given the support and insights you all have given me, I have quietly started to gather information and have begun to educate myself and equip myself to fully understand my legal and financial position and rights, also risks and potential liabilities I may now have. It's a start. 

[SonofThunder]

I like to think of the analogy of trees.  In the spring and summer of life the Chlorophyll does its best to make the tree canopies blend in together fairly well in a sea of green, which some exceptions. But come the fall and winter of life when the mask of Chlorophyll departs, those true inner differentiating colors become highly visible.  Even more so with my own mil with the double-edged tongue.

This is speaks to me, SOT. Through all of the years of struggle with the in laws I have so often thought that for me, their life choices and heart posture toward others have been a cautionary tale. A living reminder to keep my roots healthy and to mind my pruning of the dead wood so the light can shine through and the air can flow and I can bear good fruit.

Thank you for your prayers!

💙

[SonofThunder]

"I also was firm that whatever he chooses to do about future gatherings with his extended family is up to him, but for me, it is a no go."

  Fantastic boundary that only restricts yourself. Boldly well done Bloomie!

Fully understood regarding the high risk with regard to "double-minded wavering" with others in whom we are legally connected.

Keep up the great boundary work!  We walk these trails together my friend. 

Warm wishes,

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Bloomie, I am so sorry to hear of this. Condolences to you and your husband.

I also agree in such circumstances you see clearly what someone relies on and what is foundational to them. While validating, I am sure I cannot know the associated difficulties. I also like the analogy of the chlorophyll in the trees so beautifully stated by SoT.

I guess I always hoped that indeed this would end "some day" but in the back of my mind had a nagging thought that it cannot really ever go away totally. It sort of makes me think of how certain energies maybe never die and the breadth of such dynamics extend beyond any one individual. 

[Pepin]

I have often believed that you can see the depth of who a person is at the bedside in illness or in the death process like no other time. I also believe you can see what they rely on and what is truly important and foundational to them.

Bloomie, I am incredibly sad for you and all that you have been through.  What you wrote (particularly the quote) has eerily resonated with me.  CN MIL went out after several weeks of unrelenting drama and it of course got her all the attention she had been wanting - having everyone gather and stare at her.  You could see it in her eyes even though she was finally non verbal.  She would close her eyes at anyone she loathed and pretend to nod off - yet she was responsive only to DH and a few others. 

And then the mess of her final financial wishes was literally the sh*t that hit the fan and blew all the siblings apart.  Because it was not fair.  It was damaging, binding and cruel.  It is all settled now but the pain will never be forgotten.  And that final act was exactly who she was all along.  Cleaning out her home filled with all her belongings....opening drawers, closets, cupboards, etc. was eye opening to say the least. 

This was two years ago and each day is proving to be "better" without her.  And hopefully I will have healed enough some day that I never think of her again.  And it is good riddance to some of DH's siblings and extended family members.  Finally free of those people.   

[bloomie]

Thank you so much for the comfort that comes from knowing I am not alone. I hope that does not sound selfish because I wouldn't wish this kind of thing on anyone. It is knowing that there are those here that do understand an atmosphere of risk that is not even perceived by many standing directly in it. Mind boggling oblivion.

And that this community understands how long it may take to heal and process it all and attempt to repair some damage to my marriage.

@Blueberry Pancakes yes! The belief that this would someday end has gone down as a bitter pill to swallow. Like you mention for yourself, I have to face that, in some ways, it won't easily end and not any time soon. I am sorry you have experienced this as well.

@Pepin I have thought of you many times as I believe we have experienced very similar things with our mil's. And over the years you have shared a lot that has been helpful to me. You describe the weeks of unrelenting drama as if you were there. And the purging of all of the stuff was quite eye opening. Thankfully, that bit is over.

Wish we had all had mil's that were healthy and able to truly love us and our families.

[NarcKiddo]

I have often believed that you can see the depth of who a person is at the bedside in illness or in the death process like no other time.

Oh boy, am I discovering the truth of this right now. One family member has just passed and another is seriously ill with cancer but is not likely to pass imminently. FOO's behaviour has been very instructive (and mostly destructive and reprehensible). Such bile has spewed from my mother in connection with the deceased relative that I am finding it very hard to be in touch with her at all. MIL (uPD) is also teetering on the brink but although that family is also dysfunctional they are mostly mustering decent behaviour in these circumstances.

I am sorry you are dealing with this dreadful behaviour and that you may be somehow tied to it ongoing. Ugh.

[Pepin]

And that this community understands how long it may take to heal and process it all and attempt to repair some damage to my marriage.

Yes....this.  "...attempt to repair some damage to my marriage."  This is where I am at 2 years later.  Now that the thorn (CN MIL  )in my marriage is gone, how do "I" want to move on?  There are no longer any excuses that DH can technically come up with to be by her side.  And I am still outgassing the resentment I carry towards him for getting us into this mess.  Some days I love him and other days I am utterly disgusted.  The betrayal is something I'll never forget.  Which is why in order to move forward, I need to see change on his end.  And we have to engage in productive communication and hide nothing.  I know my time is limited at my age and I am not about to sink myself any further after what I've already endured just because my husband couldn't set boundaries with his "mommy"...and yes, he did call her that.          

[sunshine702]

That "family reunion" sound about as awesome as a root canal.

I am super passive in high stakes things like that so I think I would magically come down with the flu right then.  In July?! Late summer cold yep.

Don't want to get everyone else sick.  Nope can't come.

Disingenuous yep.  Not going priceless!