Anxiety, depression, control or something else

[Prototypian]

This behavior pertains to any time that a group is having fun, primarily with little planning and a sort of flow.  Example this week is a ski trip with daughter and some friends.  There are lots of fun activities ranging from skiing, hiking, snowshoeing, reading, playing games, sledding and much more.  We have a rented cabin in a neighborhood that is adjacent to the ski slope and the kids are on spring break.   This is the time for my PD spouse to have an emotional breakdown about how bad the world is, the feeling that she hasn't done enough and the resentment over the state of local politics where we live (not at the ski slope).

What I've noticed is that any specific event where everyone has fun and does their own thing there is always an emotional breakdown of some sort that either stops the "flow" or changes the interactions to be much less fun.

It's like a sort of Debbie downer at a fun family event.   

Sometimes I think it's a reaction because she gets very upset about appearing to be having fun while others in the world are not.

I also think she sees that the group of people (family or friends) can't be controlled and she can't handle the idea that they might not follow the rules.

And it could just be that she is just not capable of enjoying everyone having fun

[SeaBreeze]

I often experienced the same with stbx. Like you, I have a few theories behind his negative reactions and behaviors.

Anytime the kids and I were enjoying ourselves at home, stbx would inevitability storm into the room to scold us for being too loud. Laughter seemed to especially trigger him. It never dawned on stbx that perhaps he could join in, while any invitation to do so was rebuffed. He said more than once "You all seem to have more fun without me." To which I'd think to myself: Well, ya don't say???  Honestly, some of our best, most relaxed times were when he worked out of town.

The very few vacations, that he even bothered to take, never worked out. Rigid itineraries, at least one meltdown on his part, with trips always cut 1 to 2 days short for various excuses. I finally started taking the kids places without him. *Every single trip* at least one kid would say "Hate to say this but glad Dad didn't come."

I was never sure if it was jealousy, anxiety, control,  lack of empathy, childhood triggers, and/or a plain old inability to enjoy himself or his family without the focus being on him or his preferences. But I realized my own kids were being deprived of fun, so I counteracted it as best as I could by honesty just leaving stbx out.

The one and only family activity that we all seemed to enjoy together with stbx was nature hikes. Stbx was happy, so I was happy, and the kids seemed happy. Or so I thought. Now, 2 of my adult kids have recently confessed they hated those hikes, that they were actually quite stressful and stbx seemed tense, leaving them with that dread the other shoe would drop any minute. So even that one mutual activity wasn't going as well as I had thought or hoped at that time.    I don't feel I was in denial, because so many other outings always went to crap, which is why the hikes were such a sharp contrast. In retrospect, these hikes were very much "follow the leader" with stbx being the leader of course, so perhaps that's why he actually planned and (seemingly) enjoyed those hikes so much...

I'm sorry your spouse seems to want to rain on everyone's parade. It's sad, for her, that she can't enjoy this time with family . It's sadder, for the rest of you, that you have to always be aware she's the odd person out. I hope you are enjoying the fresh mountain air and cozy cabin atmosphere as best as you can!

[Defiantdaughter1]

They want things done on a specific time schedule.

[Boat Babe]

This is such a a common phenomenon with PDs. It may be all of the above reactions but I think it comes down to pure malice. They hate seeing people happy.

[phlox]

My BPDh also exhibits these kinds of behaviors and I strongly believe that for him this stems from feeling anxiety due to a lack of control over strong(er) emotions, especially those that are typically thought of as positive emotions.

I've noticed that when others show positive emotions he seems to be more anxious, critical and quick to disagree with ev.er.y.thing, while when others show more negative emotions like anger, he seems to relax and gain a very superior, confident air about him. I think a lot of this comes from his particular upbringing.

Projection is a key way he releases anxiety. If he can get me to feel and display his negative emotions with frustrated crying or anger, it seems to relax him - as though he's been relieved of the emotional burden by getting me to feel them for him. Displays of positive emotions seems to cause him anxiety - I think mostly because he simply doesn't relate to them as well but also because he cannot feel superior if someone is feeling good about themselves or a situation.

[MaxedOut]

For my SO, I would say (1) Resentment about others having fun, being relaxed, having "normal" experiences; (2) The fact that so much is triggering and travel is anxiety producing and not the controlled comfort zone; and (3) The need to remind others of how much she suffers (which often is only satisfied by making sure people are really distressed and sympathetic/focused on her pain).