I forgot to send a card for Mother's Day

[SaintBlackSheep]

I just realized I completely forgot to send a Mother's Day card to my nMom! Oops! I usually send a generic card and a text message. My life has been insanely busy, and I literally just didn't even think about sending the card this year. I wonder how big of a deal she will think it is to not get a card? I wonder how much I should care? I sorta can't find it in myself to care that much!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hi Saint - Sometimes I wonder if us forgetting about a card or acknowledging such a date might be a sign they are getting out of our heads, thoughts, and psyche. Maybe it is a sign we are moving further out of the "FOG". I myself am doing nothing.

I think they may indeed realize it was not acknowledged. I think the more peaceful aspect however may be to realize how you feel regardless of how your parent behaves. If you feel calm and secure, I say bravo. It is OK. Take care of you.

[Rebel13]

Sometimes I wonder if us forgetting about a card or acknowledging such a date might be a sign they are getting out of our heads, thoughts, and psyche.

I was thinking the same thing!

Since I went NC with my mom the day after Mothers' Day last year, this is the first year with no card. I don't feel bad at all! I'm really happy about that. Curious to see how she'll respond. I'm expecting crickets from her towards me, maybe a flying monkey guilt text from my brother, but who knows? It's kind of a new adventure.

[sunshine702]

I have always been the "bad" one because I kept forgetting all that.  Like Christmas I feel this overwhelming sense of DREAD as it approaches.

You know I am starting to embrace being "absent minded". I just can't. It's too painful.

I did a text best I could do. 

[SaintBlackSheep]

I called nMom this evening. We did our semi-weekly FaceTime. No mention of not getting a card, but lots of flying monkeys. Apparently, she was feeling waifish and, even though she has a doctor's appointment tomorrow, took herself to the Minute Clinic today because her "ear felt funny." After talking to her for a few minutes and checking her ear and finding nothing, they sent her to the emergency room!! My teen said later "yea, she probably walked in with these weird complaints and talking a bunch of nonsense, and they figured she was having a stroke! But NO! She's just got undiagnosed dementia!!" I do think my teen is right.
The ER didn't find anything either. I've noticed my mom's latest thing is to obsess over some tiny bodily irritation and blow it way out of proportion, seeking every possible medical intervention for it. Before her ear, it was her hair loss, which she's had for at least 20 years, her mom has, and I also am already experiencing. It's genetic female pattern hair loss. But she blew it into some sort of sign of impending doom, went to endocrinologists, dermatologists, and finally, beauty professionals. At some point, scalp biopsies were done, stitches were required, which got infected because she has never had good personal hygiene, and then she was like "how did this happen!???? Why me????" 

I will say, my husband and sweet children really went all out today for me. I am not a person who needs anyone to go all out for me, my idea of a great time is just being in peace, so this was a pleasant surprise. I think they might have been nudged to make me feel special in light of all the recent drama with my parents. They kept saying sweet things to me all day that vaguely hinted that I am NOT my mom, such as "you're the best mamma ever. you always listen to me. I feel like you know me better than anyone." Those words were so healing to hear, affirming that despite the messiness of it, I AM breaking some toxic cycles. I AM doing better than was done for me. That is enough.

I hope you all were able to find some peace on this day that can be so fraught for us.

[Defiantdaughter1]

When my grandma had dementia, she would say her arm was hurting when it was actually her throat. I found out that was a common occurrence in dementia patients. She had both Alzheimer's and vascular dementia.

[SaintBlackSheep]

When my grandma had dementia, she would say her arm was hurting when it was actually her throat. I found out that was a common occurrence in dementia patients. She had both Alzheimer's and vascular dementia.

WOW!! That is shocking news, but makes perfect sense!! And yet the dementia denial persists. I haven't talked to her this week to see how her regularly scheduled doctors visit went, but she had previously agreed to ask about dementia testing or whatever. I have maybe 3% faith that she followed through with that. It would not shock me if she never brought it up with the doctor either because she forgot or because she wants to continue her denial. I also wouldn't be shocked if she tells me the doctor said she is fine when in fact he did not, or in fact she did not even go to the doctor. There's very little else I can do except try to protect some of my peace.