I hate that he refuses to see

[Beachlife]

I am so frustrated that my husband refuses to see how unhappy I am.

Refuses to see that our marriage is so unhealthy and so far from normal. We sleep in separate rooms and there has been no intimacy for at least 3 years.

Refuses to see that I don't touch him
and never tell him I love him even though I say it to the kids every night.

Refuses to see how unenthusiastic I am when he suggests we do something together.

Refuses to acknowledge or accept the damage his behaviours over the years has done to me, to us.

I cringe when he talks about the future. I don't see a future with him, why can't he see that?

I'm so freaking miserable.

[Sector]

This sounds really hard I'm pretty new here and maybe there's a lot of history to this story, but from someone who doesn't know the story... my husband prefers to bury his head in the sand rather than face the obvious problem.  Like if he doesn't address it then maybe it's not real and will just go away.  He hopes not acknowledging it makes it a figment of his imagination.  It makes me feel like he couldn't care less when in fact it's that he cares so much he can't bear it to be true (whatever it is) and then freezes.  Not a nice feeling for the person on the receiving end of that behavior. Is it possible it's something like this? Or do you think he truly doesn't care or is oblivious to what you are going through? With my husband as much as things seem obvious, if I don't raise it, it doesn't get addressed. Even if he does recognize a problem he is way too afraid to bring it up. Do you feel safe raising these issues with him? If not is there someone that could help facilitate the discussion? It doesn't sound sustainable to keep going on as you are for either of you. I really hope you can find some relief soon at least for yourself.

[Beachlife]

Thank you for your reply.

He has a victim mentality and blames  everyone else for his behaviour. After a rage outburst he will avoid us until he has calmed down (usually a day or so later) then act like nothing happened and expect us to do the same. He takes no responsibility or accountability for his actions. If he swears at me or the kids it's our fault for making him angry. If he loses the plot over something minor it's never his fault. He loses his temper and walks through the house ranting he's 'sick of everyone, sick of everyone' and storms off for the night and it's somehow our fault.

I've given up trying to talk to him because he will never accept he is the problem. He is constantly making comments about how no one cares about him, nothing he does is ever good enough etc yet fails to see it's his behaviour over the years that has caused the issues with me and the kids. He clashes alot with our oldest child who has an aquired brain injury. Last week he asked me if he had done anything to our son because son always seems angry with him. I tried diplomatically to tell him that I think he is too hard on our son at times (he's actually very controlling and short tempered with him) and his immediate response was 'nothing I do is ever good enough for this family'.

I told him a couple of years ago (after another outburst) that I didn't feel the same way about him anymore and wanted to separate. He said 'he would die alone' if we did so I felt guilty and nothing got resolved.

I honestly don't know whether he really doesn't see things as they are or whether he's being manipulative, knowing that I don't want to be in this marriage anymore but that I can't easily leave due to our disabled child (our house has been modified to make it easer for him to be more independent).

I feel like I'm slowly dying inside and there is no way out. It honestly makes me so angry when he talks about the future or says 'next year we will do this'. How can he honestly not see that I don't want to be with him?

[Sector]

Oh wow.  That sounds miserable and unsustainable indeed.  Are you seeing a therapist for yourself at least?  That may be the only way to figure out an emotional exit strategy even if a physical exit is not logistically possible? Priority one sounds like is keeping yourself and the kids emotionally safe which isn't happening right now and isn't fair to any of you.  It doesn't sound like bringing this up with him will be helpful at all from that description.  I will echo what several people have said to me that I knew but maybe wasn't fully processing.   Is it possible to let the idea of whose fault everything is go out the window especially the mental health part of it?  You know what's happened here.  He may know what's happened here and will never admit it. And waiting for him to own up per se is setting yourself up for disappointment time and time again.  I know with my husband it's all shame-based and while everything he does is rooted in his shame and sense of failure, at the beginning he would always project that on me, and when I would object to the obvious false statements it made him so much worse.  It took a while before I figured out what was going on but once I got there it was at least easier to get my head around it all. And stop expecting him to see things rationally which was not possible in those times of dysregulation.

[Defiantdaughter1]

He sounds like a person who sticks his head in the sand when he cannot or doesn't know how to deal with a problem.

[Beachlife]

Sector - I have been approved for some free counselling through a womens refuge centre, just waiting on an appointment to open up.

I've already left the marriage emotionally, I did it a long time ago. I just wish I had the courage to leave or end things at the same time.
Every time he loses the plot over something minor and then screams at us and storms off and give us the silent treatment I tell myself no more, that I am done. But then I can't seem to find the courage to actually call it, mostly because I know how he will react and how it will all be mine and/or the kids fault and he will die alone etc.

It's absolutely no way to live and I know realistically I can't go on like this indefinitely. I'm just so angry and resentful that he feels entitled to treat us so badly and expects us to be ok with it. He has made me feel too scared to stand up for myself or the kids. If I raise my voice or get annoyed with him he says 'don't yell at me' or will storm off but I'm supposed to just forgive him for his endless outbursts and swearing and put downs etc. His sense of entitlement is unbelievable.

[Sector]

I hear you.  It's an impossible situation.  And I so hope the counseling service will come through soon and be able to help you.  I guess when I say leave emotionally, I meant get yourself to a state where his behavior doesn't have an impact on you. Which I'm sure sounds impossible in this moment. There is no way to rationalize the behavior. For me, getting away from trying to understand why he is saying such horrible things that make no sense was the first step.  Because you will not find an answer.  Of course if it's logistically possible to  get out, I'm sure that would be much easier on you and the kids emotionally, but it sounded like that wasn't an option because of the house setup.  That said it really does sound like you want out, and maybe the counselor will be able to help you see a way to that end? Because how much is enough? It sounds like you recognize how harmful the situation is to you and that it is affecting the kids.  I wonder if the counselor can guide you to any sort of assistance that could help setting up a new residence that would accommodate your child with disabilities?   

[Rebel13]

Hi Beachlife, I'm so sorry you are feeling so miserable. I grew up with an emotionally explosive, rageful father who took his emotions and frustrations out on everyone else, so I know what it's like to live with someone like that. It's really awful and you deserve to not walk on eggshells and watch everything you say, trying not to set something off -- and usually failing, because if they WANT to blow up, they will find any excuse!

Getting in touch with a women's aid organization was fantastic and I'm so happy you did that, and that you will be getting some counseling. I'm really hoping it's helpful to you.

When I read this:  "I tell myself no more, that I am done. But then I can't seem to find the courage to actually call it," it made me think, maybe it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing, either-I-leave-today-or-I'm-stuck-forever situation. Sometimes taking one action, however small, can make a person feel less hopeless and helpless, and be a motivator to more small steps.

The link below is to one of my favorite bloggers, ChumpLady, where she replies to a letter from a woman who also has a special needs child, about how to start making a plan to leave. You don't have to figure it all out at once! But maybe the ideas in that post could help you start thinking about how, one day, you could get to a place where things are better for you and your kids.

https://www.chumplady.com/how-to-line-up-ducks-when-you-cant-afford-a-duck/

Wishing you the best!

[Beachlife]

@Sector - I saw a lawyer last week who said it would definitely be possible for me to stay in the house, especially as it's been modified for my disabled child. However I would have to pay my husband out and refinance and be able to pay the loan myself but they (meaning my lawyer) would ask for spousal maintenance as well. Up until now I really thought we would have to sell the house if we split so that's something positive.

However, getting to that point seems impossible. He just really cannot or won't see that I'm no longer invested in this marriage. I don't want to try anymore, I stopped loving him a long time ago.  Him not taking responsibility for his behaviour and constantly playing the victim, saying nobody appreciates him, nothing he does is good enough etc is so frustrating when he refuses to see the damage his actions have caused. I had one session with the counsellor to see whether they could take me on and she said he has diminished my voice in the marriage. He has made me too scared to stand up to him.

@Rebel13 - I'm just so tired of dealing with the outbursts and the period afterwards where he is overly nice and helpful because he knows he's messed up again. It makes me cringe and it's exhausting because I know he will keep the act up until things return to normal, however long that takes. And it feels so manipulative.
I'm so tired of being in a marriage that is so draining and exhausting mentally & emotionally. I want to find someone who treats me well, who I can connect with emotionally and physically. I know there is no guarantee I will find someone else but the longer I stay here the less chance of that happening. Thanks for the link - I will have a read.

[Sector]

This sounds like some really good progress.  I hope you are able to keep seeing the counselor because that validation of someone seeing what you are dealing with and calling it out for what it is is very empowering.  It sounds like between the counselor and the lawyer you may have the start of a team to help free you from the misery. Am I guessing right that it would be less expensive to buy him out than to buy a smaller place and retrofit? Or if there is a divorce would you and the kids getting the house just be part of the negotiations? The latter seems so much more logical but getting him to move out may be a struggle.

[bloomie]

Beachlife - It is understandable that your H's unwillingness or inability to engage in life like a mature adult is beyond frustrating. It also makes perfect sense that your tender feelings have been slowly and painstakingly snuffed out.

You are taking good steps to more fully understand what your options are and what it will take to free yourself and your children from an environment that is not healthy for any of you from what you describe.

Something to consider, is to shift your focus off of him - all of the things - his behaviors and lack thereof and begin to redirect your emotional, mental, physical energy toward yourself. Figuring out what you can control, change, cure, which is always and only ourselves, and staying with prioritizing your well being right where you are, until you can break free, is a good use of your energy and time.

It seems like your H is feeding off of all of the emotions in the room while dumping his stuff on all of you. What are ways you can disengage? What are ways you can begin to develop patterns of thinking and acting in that validate your experience for yourself?

Your H doesn't acknowledge your disappointment and pain in the relationship? You can and places like this, Out of the FOG, we support you and believe you. Keep building resources and places and relationships in your life that sustain and nourish you.

Take all of your eggs and place them in your own basket. Putting a single precious emotional need into the basket of someone who has proven, they are at the very least careless and ill-equipped to tend to them, will most likely end in further frustration and discouragement I am sad to say.

The toolbox above is a place to begin to build a toolset for these difficult behaviors you are encountering! Make good use of it! It has helped so many of us here!

Keep sharing and coming back! Keep taking important steps forward!

[Rebel13]

Keep sharing and coming back! Keep taking important steps forward!

Yes Beachlife! You are doing so great, to have seen a lawyer and a counselor already. It's so important to have people on your side who can give you vital information and support while you go through such a difficult thing.

On the ChumpLady site, the blogger and commenters say all the time some version of, "He doesn't HAVE to see.  He doesn't HAVE to agree about who or what is the problem." He might not ever see the situation the way you do. But you still get to do what makes sense for you and your kids.

They also talk a lot there about fears of being alone and desire for new relationships. I think it's so normal to be sad leaving a relationship and worry about being alone in the future. There are lots of nice people out there -- but right now is the time to plan for you and your kids getting to a safe place where you can focus on your own needs for a while. You have already started, so just keep putting one foot in front of the other!