PD mother triggering me

[sweet1987]

Feeling very triggered today after dealing with a bombardment of messages from my mum.
I left home at 30 after being in such an abumind and unhealthy attachment with my pd mother, went through no contact to now 8 years later having quite a good boundaried relationship with her.
She still has all the same traits associated with either BPD or npd but so much easier not living with her.
She has a disability and uses this to further guilt trip and shaheard and still can be emotional abusive.
She asked for my help and I told her what I could help with, which was less than what she asked
 And now she is on her messaging spiral of saying all these horrible things and probably putting up things about me being a bad daughter in her statuses.
She refuses to have a cleaner and proper carer and has begun hoarding and finds it hard moving and mostly housebound as she is in allot of pain.
I am still very damaged by everything that I've experienced, had years of counseling with her and get triggered by just going into the home. Along with my own health issues, depression, anxiety and looking after my son. I can't physically and mentally help her as much as I would want too.
It's the same pattern and I know what she's doing as I've learnt so much now but it still hurts. Because she can also be so nice and not long ago was showering me with gifts and more.
On top of that I have now seen similar traits in myself. I think I may act out in similar ways in my relationship, not by being mean the way she does, but just that flawed perception between reality and fantasy. Having a fixed idea and then having a meltdown when the other person doesn't fit my story in my mind.
I'm so scared as I'm tryin to  break the cycle and my worst fear is to be like my mother. I never want my son to feel how I felt. I wonder if anyone else can relate to seeing the similarities in themselves even though it presents differently. Just needed a space to feel heard.  I usually deal with it by short simple replies to her messages and trying not to engage in all the things she throws at me. Other than that not sure what else to do. And I feel silly to admit that part of me is still scared because I can't cope or deal with her reactions.

[sweet1987]

Edit: So many typos in my post. Meant to say she shames me.

And I had years of counseling. Not with her.

[bloomie]

sweet1987 - sometimes it is hard to see the good progress that we have made. And as I read your post, I see big steps away from the toxic environment you describe your mom living in. From where I sit, you have already begun to break the cycle. Your self awareness alone if a huge indicator of your willingness to live differently.   

So many of us have these fears. And some of us have something called 'fleas' and as we begin to separate and grow, unlearn ways of thinking and coping that are not serving us or don't line up with how we want to show up for our families, those are things we want to be diligent to uproot in the garden of our lives.

Here is a great article that explains fleas really well in case you want to know more: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

Only you can know if there are areas that you want to dig into and work through. Something we all have to do. But, there is also something that can happen for those of us who have been dominated and parented in a way that spoke harsh lies over our lives - we can develop an inner critic that starts a false narrative in our heads when that parent is not pleased with us, or we put our priorities elsewhere.

Like our health and wellbeing and our family's needs. 

The work of Pete Walker, M.A. has been so helpful to me in understanding triggers, how to shrink the inner critic, how to recognize I am having an emotional flashback, and so much more. If you haven't seen his work here is a link of free articles to read through and see if anything is of help to you: http://www.pete-walker.com

It also helps to know you are not alone. It makes perfect sense to be anxious and fearful around someone who has traumatized you. It's not silly at all and I am so sorry that your mother was never able to do the work she needed to do to be a healthy and sacrificial mother that you so deserved.

[sweet1987]

Thank you so much bloomie,
This really means allot and yes I recently read something about fleas so will definitely look into this further.
Yes that inner critic is very much loud and constant at the moment like a continuous nag!

Really appreciate you reading and your reply. 

[bloomie]

Yes that inner critic is very much loud and constant at the moment like a continuous nag!

May the voice of truth of who you actually are, your good and kind character and traits, drown out the lies today and everyday going forward, sweet1987! I am cheering you on! 

[NarcKiddo]

Definitely read up about fleas. But also, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. I was chatting to my T a while back saying I really wanted to try some colouring books to help me unwind. But I was reluctant because my mother likes artwork and is constantly showing off her efforts for us to ooh and aah over. I do not want to be like her. T pointed out that she does not have the monopoly on artwork and I am perfectly entitled to enjoy it myself. It is not as if I am going around sticking my efforts under people's noses demanding praise. So, when you are considering fleas, just give a thought to which things are actually fleas that you want rid of and which things are characteristics that might be similar to some of your mother's but which are not inherently bad.

[Rebel13]

So, when you are considering fleas, just give a thought to which things are actually fleas that you want rid of and which things are characteristics that might be similar to some of your mother's but which are not inherently bad.

Such great advice, thank you NarcKiddo! I struggle with this myself at times.

[sweet1987]

Definitely read up about fleas. But also, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. I was chatting to my T a while back saying I really wanted to try some colouring books to help me unwind. But I was reluctant because my mother likes artwork and is constantly showing off her efforts for us to ooh and aah over. I do not want to be like her. T pointed out that she does not have the monopoly on artwork and I am perfectly entitled to enjoy it myself. It is not as if I am going around sticking my efforts under people's noses demanding praise. So, when you are considering fleas, just give a thought to which things are actually fleas that you want rid of and which things are characteristics that might be similar to some of your mother's but which are not inherently bad.

Thank you for this! So true, and really hard not to panic at times when I notice these things. But just need to keep reminding myself I am not my mother.

[sweet1987]

Yes that inner critic is very much loud and constant at the moment like a continuous nag!

May the voice of truth of who you actually are, your good and kind character and traits, drown out the lies today and everyday going forward, sweet1987! I am cheering you on! 

Thank you!! 

[TiredGirl]

Hi Sweet1987,

Sorry to hear tour story. My story is exactly the same....on top of that I am not even married of have children to love..

You are going trough classic Narc abuse symptoms. Just wanted to ask - have you had therapy  if so what kind of therapy? What therapy helped? How did you afford to pay for it as my insurance doesn't  cover it.

I suggest you listen to Yout ube videos of Dr Ramani for help.

take care,
TG

[mary_poppins]

Sweet1987

Yeah, I do think some behaviors I have are my mom's behaviors. Some thoughts are like ripped from her own head. I think when we see these behaviors, we are growing because we are more aware of how our PD mom affected us. Having self-awareness is crucial in recovery.
I react with the first negative thought in my head (or overreact) when something bad happens. Mom reacts by yelling (to make herself heard) and assuming something negative about someone or a situation. It is a poor way to respond to life, but that's the environment she grew up in.

I sometimes 'watch' how I behave or the thoughts I have when someone triggers me or does something I don't like. The behavior is a copy of my mom's behavior so I try to stop it and do something else.

Also, the way PD people respond to being triggered and having difficult feelings: they avoid their feelings or deny they exist. They watch TV all day and pretend there is nothing bothering them. I used to have this behavior but I can say I'm almost cured of it. I practice emotional regulation and have to be careful of when i try to 'escape' a feeling.

You being here and asking all these questions is a sign you want to grow. You are not like your PD mom but some of your reactions, thoughts and behaviors resemble hers. It is normal though, you were brought up by her. This doesn't mean you're 100% her. You're changing every day.