How to deal with PD Mother meltdowns/ rages

[sweet1987]

Wondering if anyone has any advice or examples on how they maintain a relationship with their PD parent.
I've tried to implement certain boundaries with mine like, messaging only mostly. And only calls when I feel it's safe, then seeing my mother as less as I can in the circumstances. So most rages happen via message but it doesn't change the impact, shaming, blaming guilt tripping, passive aggressive and sarcastic etc. But then eventually being nice after.
I tend to ignore it then just limit my contact until things settle then things are fine until the next time. But I'm not so sure if this is a solution.
Although when I do try to call her out it tends to end up in a back and forth match and I honestly don't have the mental or emotional capacity to deal. But am I letting her just run all over me by not telling her I don't like some of the messages.?
Any who welcome any thoughts on best ways to avoid, defuse, manage the relationship. I do want her in my life and know I can't change her.

[NarcKiddo]

Boundaries are things you install for yourself. They do not necessarily need to be communicated. If you do communicate a boundary then I think you also need to communicate a consequence for violation and then FOLLOW THROUGH.

So, with phone calls you might not say in advance that you will not tolerate shouting. But if you have decided you will not, then the first time she shouts you calmly tell her you will not engage with her when she behaves like this and end the call. Then you do that every.single.time she shouts on the phone. No blaming, no argument. Just "I will not engage you with you when you are shouting. Goodbye."

With messaging you can do similar. It may not be worth actually calling her out, but simply stating that when she does X you will not be engaging with her any further. And then you simply ignore all further messages and do not reply. Block her for a while if you need to. I find that telling them what you do not like can often give them ammunition. They either keep doing it to test your boundaries or they work out a way of doing the same thing that looks sufficiently different. So if you complain they can say "well, I am not doing the thing you dislike. You're so unreasonable blah blah blah..." The least said by you, the better. At least that is what I find with my mother.

[sweet1987]

Hi NarcKido,
Thank you for your reply. Yes I agree with it given them more ammunition, I find with my mum it just gets thrown back as if I'm attacking her.
Definitely think I need to reevaluate my current boundaries.
 

[mary_poppins]

I've been there.
I thought that if I didn't express how I felt to my mother meant letting her walk all over me. But, from many confrontations I had with her, she would ALWAYS win or at least, be in the right (to make me feel like I didn't know what I was talking about-so what I thought had no value). And so, I decided that using 'grey rock' is more important than being assertive, what I felt I deserve and so on. Now I ONLY grey rock with her and the fights are inexistent. She always wins, she is always right even when she blames me for something she has done and then she realizes that (so disgusting to do this to a person and then not even apologise) and I am always the inferior being who is less important and less worthy than her (I am the bad one, she's the awesome one).

This method of letting her win even she's in her psychotic phase, worked the best for me at keeping my mental state. I'm not yet in no contact but until I can implement that boundary, I will grey rock.

From my understanding, if you grey rock a PD person you are taking care of yourself and protect yourself from their emotional damage. But it is not an easy thing to do because it involves you listen to a long list of why you are bad and then agreeing with her or not reacting to the guilt and the blame.

That is why I think you should consider no contact as an option if your mother takes that much of energy out of you.

Hope this helped.

[Liketheducks]

Oooh boy.  I've been there.   Particularly lately.  Sadly, my youngest brother took his life last Christmas.  It has stirred up so much for me and our family.   None of us could be at our best in such intense grief.   Early after his death, my mom raged at me and my surviving brother.   It helped me to remind myself that we were all going through a terrible time.   And, when I needed to say..."I'll not be discussing that right now"...or "This isn't the time to rehash things from 7 years ago" ... "or I'm going to need for us to be gentle with each other today"....I could.   When I would set down boundaries for what I would and wouldn't participate in....she would walk away in a huff or have some cutting remark.   I would remove myself from the situation and call a supportive friend.   
It has been challenging.   My mother sees it as I'm being cold and distant....where I feel like I'm just taking care of myself as an adult.   That being said, she has apologized for saying things to create distance.   Honestly, I don't think she knows when or how she does it.   Hang in there.   I was virtually NC for about 2 years.   The distance took the sting out of many of her behaviors for me.   I can see them for what they are now and react accordingly.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi,

I think that the reason we try so hard with our PD parent is because we want them to figure out what is going on. But by definition, a personality disorder involves deficits in their ability to figure things out and figure out why they act like they do, and change it.

If your parent has the signs of a mood disorder, then she's going to have these rages because that is what she does to get rid of her stress, temporarily. And a lot of people with mood issues, are in denial that it's actually a mood disorder. They argue that they are normal and their moods are normal and their rages are because of us, or something that happened to them, that caused their mood to spike, and that we should understand this and forgive it.

I grew up with a parent who had meltdowns and rages, and no one told me what to do when those happened. I had no idea that she was so disordered, that she thought I was supposed to rescue her from her mood issues. Which was completely inappropriate of her to think and expect of me. It was extremely disordered of her to expect her kids (of any age) to deal with her when she's enraged. She knew enough not to have many rages in public, which shows that she did know how to control them when she was in public, but not when she was at home with us. Part of the problem with having a PD parent, is that they hide their symptoms when they are in public, so most people have no idea how these PD parents act when they are in private with us.

I suspect that you've told her more than once, what she does and how it affects you, and so what would happen if you stepped away from her for a while and let her think about what you've already told her. She probably thinks its normal for her to rage and then be nice. I've met a lot of people who think that their mood issues are not mood issues at all, and that this is "who they are".

Her rages are probably about control. And not feeling in control. Raging is a very strange way to exert control over other people, but it is effective when it's part of a cycle. They are nice during the other part of the cycle, and this works in families because we are all trying so hard to keep our family relationships going. If she wants your help with her disability, she should learn how to control her anger when she's talking to you / texting you.

Trees

[hhoorruuss]

To think I ended up here because of instagram Ai. I feel so seen. Thank you so much for all your helpful info and experiences.

[TimetoHeal]

Very much in the same boat here.  I thought limiting contact to messaging would be easier and less emotional.  I found that actually, my mom rages the worst in texts and emails!  Maybe because she can't see an actual person attached, and has no filter.  Phone calls are only slightly less abusive and abrasive.  In person, she is actually the most pleasant, although she can only maintain it for short periods of time.  So, for me, I try to text her as little as possible.  I ignore her rants, and if it really starts to get to me, I silence her.  I do not respond to emails at all. I pretend they get lost in my hundreds of other emails, which sometimes they actually do.  I visit her when I feel like it (at most once a month) and stay for about 30 minutes tops.  That's about how long she can go without starting into a rant about politics, religion, family, etc. 

This is what works for me, but you may have to do some trial and error to see what works for you.  Good luck!

[sunshine702]

The rages really are debilitating.  Self care.  Think of if like your brain having the bruises after.  Sleep, heathy foods, soft clothing, a treat, a puppy snuggle, a trusted friend chat, us! 

[j.banquo]

If your parent has the signs of a mood disorder, then she's going to have these rages because that is what she does to get rid of her stress, temporarily.

Off-topic but that isn't how mood disorders work, a mood disorder is something like depression or Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2. A person with a mood disorder is certainly not necessarily behaving badly towards someone else to "relieve stress." Do you mean personality disorder maybe?

[InvisibleDaughter]

I'm so with you on dealing through messages versus phone calls. It's easier for me to end texting versus a mean rant on a phone call.

Dealing with my NPD Mom reminds me of the Sour Patch Candy commercials, where all the candies are really mean, then they act nice.

Boundaries have been tough for me, because I need to be LC to maintain my mental health. It's like my Mom feels me pulling away and starts acting nice to suck me back in.