I think my mum is a narc and sociopath

[peachblossom222]

Hello, my therapist recommend this group to me. My mum who's 75 has moved here after to moved 3 states to get away from her 3 years ago. She's textbook narc and now I think she might also be sociopathic. Currently she's talking suicide and accusing me of keeping her grandkids from her. It's too much. I'm working full time, study part time and have two kids with challenges. Her abuse is getting too much to take. She love to ghost me, let me know I'm in trouble etc. I bought her a gift and lunch for Mother's Day and she spent the day with the kids and the next day she's telling my brother I'm keeping the kids from her and told me husband I'm not talking to her. I reached out but she's not answering me as I didn't reply to a text I wa so busy at work. She's now happy I've reached out and has the power and now I need Xanax to cope with my day as I know I'm in trouble. I've moved 3 states! I was just starting to get my life back and now this. What can I do? She's told me I'm too weak to not forgive her and that everyone just uses me. I'm sick of feeling sick with stress over her. I've now got chronic diverticulitis because of her. I don't know what to do. I love my life here till she came.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group peachblossom, i'm sorry you find yourself here with the situation you are now in with your mother. 

for the past few years you've had the boundary and gift of being distanced from her by that 3 state buffer and different kinds of boundaries may help you protect your peace now.

i feel that using a suicide threat is an extreme attempt to manipulate you.  other members who have been in similar situations have responded to that threat with a boundary of calling for a welfare check EACH and EVERY time that card is played.  would that be an option for you so you can protect your peace and your physical health?

other boundaries could be you don't respond to her text until you are ready too, like when you are off work, or you don't respond to her texts at certain times of the day/night when you are managing your own household.   

it sounds like you are an only child so there's nobody else for you to team up with to protect yourself from her too which makes it even harder.  remind yourself DAILY that she's a grown ass woman who can't make you responsible for her/ her choices bc she doesn't want to make the effort to adult for herself.  SHE chose to move three states away, SHE can make her own new friends and hobbies so the brunt of entertaining her in her twilight years is not your responsibility.

it's also ok to say NO to her to access your children unsupervised.  my uPD biological mother's greatest failing was allowing her parents to have access to me when she didn't want to be a parent and i'm still having blowback from the abuse i endured- let's just say i get why my mother was disordered.....

sending gentle hugs today.  you've got this and we've got you.  i'm glad to hear you are working with a therapist in IRL as well. 

[bloomie]

Adding another warm welcome to you, peachblossom222. I am really sorry for the upending of your life that your mother's move has brought. I am thankful you reached out to the community. There is good support and so many great resources here for you.

The toolbox above is a good jumping in spot if you haven't looked through for insights and tools to use when faced with specific traits in your mom.

My own mother was one who had strong histrionic traits and threatened self harm many times from my early high school years. Just to me. A young teen. 

The pressure and sense of responsibility that brings to our lives is awful. This went on for many years until the last time. The last time I alerted everyone I could think of.. siblings, father, pastor, friends... and she was forced to either stop or be held for a psych eval.

I share this to say a few things. You are not alone and yet, I imagine it feels like it. Is it possible to get your brother on the same page with your mom's threats and distortions of the truth about how best to handle it together?

I applaud you for protecting your children from someone so emotionally labile and unstable. And someone who is not truthful.

Maybe living at a distance has put off the hard work of really knowing where you end and your mother begins. The road ahead, from the little I know, is one of building and living out your boundaries and focusing your emotional energy on your priorities for your life and family.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. We are here and we will support you on this journey! 

[bloomie]

I wanted to pop back in and recommend a book that was a huge help in my own sorting through the difficulties with my own parents. It is full of great information.

Here is a link to a book review for: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86816.msg762739#msg762739

[Rebel13]

Just adding another welcome and seconding some of the suggestions already made!

i feel that using a suicide threat is an extreme attempt to manipulate you.  other members who have been in similar situations have responded to that threat with a boundary of calling for a welfare check EACH and EVERY time that card is played.  would that be an option for you so you can protect your peace and your physical health?

This is a great suggestion with no down side! If she's truly suicidal and needs help, she will get it. If not, and she's angry with you for involving others, you can say, "You said you were suicidal and I was very concerned!" In my opinion this is the quickest way to stop someone using suicidal threats to manipulate you.

other boundaries could be you don't respond to her text until you are ready too, like when you are off work, or you don't respond to her texts at certain times of the day/night when you are managing your own household.     

This is great too, and you can even tell her! "Sorry, I can't reply to texts when I'm at work/making dinner/in the evening caring for the kids." And then stick to it! Give yourself those times of peace and freedom.

Also seconding Bloomie's recommendation of Lindsay Gibson's book. I found it really helpful, and she has several follow-up ones that I'm looking forward to reading, focused on recovering from that kind of parental abuse.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, peachblossom!

Welcome.  How interesting that your therapist suggested this forum!  I am glad you are getting therapy to help you cope with all this.  I can relate to a lot of your post about your mom, and I know a lot of people here will feel the same.  You are in good company. 

What does your therapist suggest as far as boundaries in dealing with your mom?

[olivegirl]

My mother is def a sociopath!

I found Dr. Henry Cloud's book "Safe People" to be very helpful in outlining boundaries and how to navigate parasitic individuals.

My mother actually asked me to buy her a place in my state—I moved 1000 miles away from her almost a decade ago.

That prompted me to go NC!

I just blocked all communication with her and told everyone that I am NC with her.

I learned that with sociopaths, even a little bit of contact is too much bc my mother sadistically enjoys orchestrating chaos and turning people against me.

I won't let her do it to me again.