Ex boyfriend with BPD willl not leave me alone (broken up 10 years)

[lilo8]

Hello everyone, I'm sorry this might get long. I could really use some advice I am completely at my wits end and don't know what to do.

I was in a relationship 10 years ago with a man with BPD and Autism it was incredibly abusive, physically and emotionally and sexually. I had a traumatic childhood where I was permanently in the caretaker role to my alcoholic father and it made me into a person who struggles to put down boundaries and say NO, just some context to explain why I tolerated most of the quite extreme incidents in the relationship and afterwards when we were "friends", for so long.

This man, I will call him "Joe", immediately upon meeting me he was all over me and very intense. I was nervous and didn't say no, when I should have. I immediately felt sick around him and he set me on edge. Within 3 weeks Joe wanted to have sex, I shook my head and he tried to force my legs open. I shook my head again and he threw a hissy fit, calling me frigid and childish, saying he'd never met a woman so cold and weird. He said he'd leave and never turn back and that no man will ever want me. I was crying and apologising and ended up having sex with him to stop him shouting at me, dissociating throughout the whole ordeal. Joe then began the horrid cycle of lovebombing, calling me the love of his life, to devaluation and splitting. He would say I was stupid, ugly, weirdo and how he regretted ever meeting me. He would pick on my intelligence constantly and tried to drive a wedge between me and my family (who I am close to). I was on the highest of highs and then crashing to the lowest of lows. He started to hit me, often while I was in a vulnerable state such as sleeping, I had swollen bloody lips and was covered head to toe in bruises. One night my dad called me, crying, begging me to leave Joe because he believed he would kill me one day. It carried on for nearly a year, my relationship with my family was strained and Joe was completely taking advantage of me. He was unemployed and used my money that I had earned from working my butt off to buy himself cigarettes, he stole cigarettes from my mom who I lived with at that time. He would force me to have sex with him when people were home and walking around and belittled me for still living at home (I was only 18). Eventually it all came to a head when I was taken to hospital in an ambulance, after Joe and his neighbour drugged me. I finally grew a back bone and ended it. He made it difficult but after the hospital incident he had split me to black and "hated" me, so it was easier to leave.

Around 6 months later, I got into a relationship and was with this man for 5 years. When we broke up, Joe came out of the woodwork and seemed different. I know, so incredibly foolish of me. It was a hoover, he apologised to me profusely over a period of 2 months. He would message me daily and tell me I was the one who got away, that how he treated me is the biggest regret of his life. I stupidly believed him and developed a twisted sort of friendship. Joe had abused me so viciously and yet I was telling him it was ok  So eventually, his real personality started to come out. He said he was going to kill himself and I was sobbing on the phone begging him not to, he said if you tell me you love me I won't. I said I love you. He was fine, absolutely fine and laughing. I was terrified and knew I needed to get away again, only he told me if I stopped talking to him he would end his life. I managed to get away from him and blocked his number.

2 years later I see a police ad on Facebook saying that Joe was missing and to call 911 if sighted. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and escaped, and was living on the streets. I made the stupid mistake of asking him on message if he was ok, and then it stated again. Couldn't get rid of him. And this has been the cycle ever since. Joe will message me and I just can't get rid of him, and I'm truly scared and don't know what he will do to himself if I told him to leave me alone. Right now he won't stop messaging me, stalking me on social media platforms and guilt tripping me into staying in contact. His sister killed herself and that is how he trapped me into being in contact with him this time.

This is such a mess  I really need help, how do I distance myself from him permanently? If I block him he will find another platform, and I would be scared at what he might do.
Please help.

[Phantom Muse]

Dear Lilo8,

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  I have been involved with a diagnosed borderline narcissist, and he threatened suicide multiple times (and attempted once). He has told me repeatedly that his attempts were my fault. He was unhoused for a short period of time, and he has dealt with multiple job firings.  He has also told me none of that would have happened if it wasn't for me and my terrible self.

The truth?  None of it has anything to do with me!  Think about it; if we could control what others do or say—or don't do or say—this world would be brimming with happy, well-adjusted, kind people! You are not responsible for any of his actions. 

That being said, the onus lies on you to create rock-solid boundaries.  Yes, block him on all social media.  Block his phone number. Go to the courthouse and secure an Order of Protection.  Tell the presiding judge all about his harassment and provide proof, if you are able. Call the police if he shows up and won't immediately leave. Tell your friends what he is doing and ask if they will come when you call, if needed.  Often people with these personalities hate to be publicly found out. Finally, consider calling an agency that provides immediate phone support as well as referrals for women who have been treated as he has treated you.

He will change if—and only if—HE decides he wants to.  The chances of that are likely tiny, so you must protect yourself.  In my experience, even the worst person will move on if they can't get from you want they want.  It seems he has done this off and on, so seek support here and through your in-person circle to help you break the cycle one day at a time. You can do it!

[MaxedOut]

 

All of this. You are not responsible for his actions. It sounds like he will emotionally blackmail given any chance/inroad.

[blunk]

After I separated from my bpdxh, he would use threats of suicide to get me to do what he wanted. He threatened to harm me, our dogs, and himself, and to burn the house down if I didn't. When I refused he would tell me...whatever I do now is on you. It worked for a long time. After spending time on Out of the FOG I came to realize that none of it was my fault, and that it wasn't on me, even if he did choose that path.

What worked for me was to tell him, once, if you make a threat like that again I will not engage, I will call the police and have them perform a wellness check.

I don't want to say that you shouldn't take self-harm statements seriously, but there is a good chance that it is manipulation. Look at your scenario, he got you to say exactly what he wanted...but not out of love, it was out of fear.

Once the divorce was over, I was able to block him and go completely NC. It was honestly the best thing I have ever done for my mental health.

[lilo8]

Dear Lilo8,

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  I have been involved with a diagnosed borderline narcissist, and he threatened suicide multiple times (and attempted once). He has told me repeatedly that his attempts were my fault. He was unhoused for a short period of time, and he has dealt with multiple job firings.  He has also told me none of that would have happened if it wasn't for me and my terrible self.

The truth?  None of it has anything to do with me!  Think about it; if we could control what others do or say—or don't do or say—this world would be brimming with happy, well-adjusted, kind people! You are not responsible for any of his actions. 

That being said, the onus lies on you to create rock-solid boundaries.  Yes, block him on all social media.  Block his phone number. Go to the courthouse and secure an Order of Protection.  Tell the presiding judge all about his harassment and provide proof, if you are able. Call the police if he shows up and won't immediately leave. Tell your friends what he is doing and ask if they will come when you call, if needed.  Often people with these personalities hate to be publicly found out. Finally, consider calling an agency that provides immediate phone support as well as referrals for women who have been treated as he has treated you.

He will change if—and only if—HE decides he wants to.  The chances of that are likely tiny, so you must protect yourself.  In my experience, even the worst person will move on if they can't get from you want they want.  It seems he has done this off and on, so seek support here and through your in-person circle to help you break the cycle one day at a time. You can do it!

Thank you for your reply sorry for only just responding today, I finally said to him that I don't want to be in contact anymore and he handled it surprisingly well, time will tell but he didn't react with the level of theatrics I have come to expect from him. I have now blocked him so hopefully that will be the end of it. Thank you so much for your advice, I don't know why I struggle so much to realise and understand that what he may or may not do isn't my fault. You are 100% right thank you again I will take your words and advice on board and I keep away. I really don't think he can change this is who he is and I can't stop thinking of the abuse I went through it keeps running through my head on repeat, all the bruises and suffering I just hope he will leave me alone for good now

[lilo8]

All of this. You are not responsible for his actions. It sounds like he will emotionally blackmail given any chance/inroad.

Definitely, i have now finally blocked him and I hope that will be the end of this mess

[lilo8]

After I separated from my bpdxh, he would use threats of suicide to get me to do what he wanted. He threatened to harm me, our dogs, and himself, and to burn the house down if I didn't. When I refused he would tell me...whatever I do now is on you. It worked for a long time. After spending time on Out of the FOG I came to realize that none of it was my fault, and that it wasn't on me, even if he did choose that path.

What worked for me was to tell him, once, if you make a threat like that again I will not engage, I will call the police and have them perform a wellness check.

I don't want to say that you shouldn't take self-harm statements seriously, but there is a good chance that it is manipulation. Look at your scenario, he got you to say exactly what he wanted...but not out of love, it was out of fear.

Once the divorce was over, I was able to block him and go completely NC. It was honestly the best thing I have ever done for my mental health.

I'm so sorry you went though that, it feels like you're living in a true crime documentary when you are involved with someone with BPD, my dad begged me to leave him and interestingly like your ex husband he had a thing with fire and even told my poor old dad that he used to dream about setting himself on fire and my dad believed he would end my life that way. That is very true, all his threats he's never followed through. I blocked him shortly after I made this post on here, before I blocked him I told him that I didn't want to be in contact anymore and he was somewhat understanding and no theatrics. I hope that this will be the last I hear and I can move on with my life. Thank you for your advice that is extremely helpful

[sunshine702]

I am going to reiterate IT'S NOT YOU. I know it feels like some days.  I just got out of this type of relationship.  It is their brain

Journal each day!  Seeing something I had written three years ago and two years ago with fresh eyes really rocked me

I am sorry that sounds TOUGH