Watching my best friend fall apart

[ncs]

My best friend has BPD. We have been close for a while and both work in the same field.

She was doing really well for a while. She had a great therapist, but that therapist left the practice and couldn't take her with them. Sometimes she still does well, but her current life situation is like watching a ship sink. I don't know what to do or how to be okay simply watching it happen. TLDR: How do I watch her fall apart?

I'm watching my friend struggle with employment while bills loom that she and her husband can't pay. They have two kids and are looking at losing their house. There is nothing I can do and I'm really struggling with watching this happen, listening to her in crisis mode, trying to share love and advice (when she is in the place for it), and waking up every morning anxious that I will have texts about how horrible things are. She has a history of suicide attempts, a couple of which I have been the one to call 911, and I'm always scared that will happen again. My husband and I helped financially when the business was new and we were more able. We have helped with bills, etc, but are now unable to. I'm also worried that I will try to step in with those again because I don't want to watch her and her family be evicted from their home. It is looking like, if she doesn't land a job, I will have to watch that happen, though. And I'm almost certain that, if it does, she will take her life.

She has a history of not being able to hold down a job. She is highly skilled and intelligent with a master's degree. She ended up starting her own business, which is doing okay enough, but isn't meeting the needs of her and her family bill-wise yet. It is slowly growing, but she recognized the need for a second job so she could help pay rent. Her impulsivity and spending issues are a big reason why they are in this position and she has recognized that. Now, as she looks for jobs, she has 1000 reasons why one won't work or the other. Given her history of being fired (not for her skill, but for being hard to work with I suspect...you can get fired without cause in this state) as well as getting to interviews, those going well, and then not getting jobs (again, I think she gets a bit too intense following up), she has zero confidence she will actually get something in time. There is a lot of self-defeating. Today she said she thinks she wants to give up her business even though she identified ways to cut costs so that it is making some money (still not enough for rent, but not a bad amount and it is still growing). But goes between "I won't get a job" and "I can't run this business and have another job".

Anyway, I know this is a lot. I just need help knowing how to potentially watch her ruin her life. This is awful.

[SonofThunder]

NCS, welcome to Out of the FOG.  Im sorry your BPD friend's ship is sinking due to self-sabotage. All of us here have a personality disordered person(s) in our life and we all have the same set of tools, found in the Toolbox tab in the upper right of every page.

I will suggest you pitch your tent at the Toolbox and absorb the teaching. Imo, boundaries are a foundational tool and therefore I recommend you have a strong understanding. There is a fine line which you may find yourself operating, should you try and balance an adult friendship with a borderline disordered person while strongly protecting yourself and your own family & assets. 

Boundaries are only about controlling our own actions and reactions in self protection of ourselves and others who we may have responsibility to protect (such as minors, elderly and animals). They are not about controlling the actions and reactions of another adult. You may choose to remain alongside this person as an adult friend, but you have no responsibility in the sinking of her self-sabotaged ship and at some point, may have to back away and let it sink. 

Calling 911 in an emergency is a very appropriate and lawful thing to do when we are in the proximity to witness an emergency and make the call, and I hope for you, that the responsibility for that call is not yours to make again in the future. 

See you around the boards. 

SoT

[bloomie]

Hi ncs - adding another warm welcome to you. How sad to see your dear friend self destruct in this way and fear for her stability and that of her family.

You sound like a wonderful, compassionate and loyal friend. How blessed this friend is to have you in their life.

Staying within the limits of what you have to give is so important, I have found. If we don't, we are at risk of allowing someone's issues to dominate our life to the point we are burned out and can find ourselves resentful and yet still giving to our own detriment. 

Your friend seems to have more advantages than many out there being highly educated, having a business that is growing, having had access to therapy, having another adult in the home to work with and tackle their problems, and they clearly have a wonderful friends in you and your husband.

Part of my own healing journey has been to better understand what loving and supporting someone looks like. Love could be silencing the alerts on your phone and answering if/when you are able to protect your own emotional peace. Love could be reserving your resources - emotional energy, finances, mental space, by limiting how often or how long your engage in the round robin of chaos and catastrophizing for your own health and well being. That is love for yourself as well as your friend.

Ultimately, the 3 C's Rule has been a mantra that I return to almost on the daily even after years of recovery work: "I Didn't Cause it, I Can't Cure it, and I Can't Control It"

I hope you will keep sharing and coming back as you find your way to a healthier, more settled place in what seems like an intense and challenging friendship!

[lkdrymom]

You sound like a caring friend but this isn't your problem to fix. Nothing will change until your friend changes.  You can't force her and propping her up just delays the inevitable. My cousin was highly educated but had such an abrasive personality she rarely worked because she too could not keep a job.  When someone shoots down every suggestion, they really don't want to fix their issue they just want to talk about it.  Honestly all you can do is listen, but don't offer advice other than asking her what she plans on doing.