Sister out of control after dad's funeral

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Rebel, that's all very useful information 😊

[Rebel13]

I'd love to hear how it goes for you!

[walking on broken glass]

I haven't tried meditation yet but came back here for advice on new stuff arising.

We have a holiday home. My parents build it on three separate levels with the idea that sis and I will get one each when older. When I come in the summer I live on the first floor and my parents (now just my mum) stay in the ground floor. Now that my dad died, the top floor belongs legally to my sister and apparently she decided to rent it out. She lives in another continent and rarely comes here, which of course means that my mum has to do all the labour for her: clean the apartment and remove all the stuff and furniture from it and take care all of the other aspects involved in having a tenant. I don't think she can even imagine how much work this is. And she will be sharing the garden with other people, and lose her peace and quiet. I am sure ideally she would never want to have a tenant but she will never say this to sis.

Of course sister is legally the owner and has the right to do what she wants with the property. But renting the flat had never occurred to her before, when my dad was alive, because he would never agree to it. She doesn't need the money, it's just another ploy to create problems and exercise her control. Unfortunately my mum is a huge enabler. If she weren't, she could have told her to find an agency and deal with everything herself but this is never going to happen.

I haven't spoken to sis at all since I arrived here and I intend to keep it this way. The problem is my mum is trying to involve me in sister's drama. She is asking me to clear some stuff from the top floor. I am ok with doing it insofar some of these are my childhood items but today she said if I want the desk from upstairs in my flat. I said I have no need or space for a desk and now she wants me to move the dining set to my flat before we leave. She says it won't be a problem since you won't be here, so we can just store it away for now. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be tough with my mum and cause problems while she is grieving but I don't want our flat to become a dumping site and I don't want us to have to deal with my sister's s**t and get steamrolled. I get the feeling that if I give way now, more and more requests will come. How do I stand my ground without offending my mum? I am thinking of having a discussion with her about this to say that she shouldn't be taking on all this work (she recently had a hip replacement surgery!) and that I don't want to store stuff we don't need. But I am sure my mum will just get annoyed with me for not be willing to roll over backwards for sis. Once more, I will be the problem.

[bloomie]

. How do I stand my ground without offending my mum?

Here is the thing... we set boundaries around what does and does not work for us. What we are or are not going to do. We have zero control over what someone else does and we have zero control over the emotions another may feel when we set limits.

Your mother is entitled to help your sister as little or much as she wants. If your mother hasn't asked for your opinion or what you think about her choices... it might be most respectful to let her make her own choices and live with the consequences.

All you are required to do is respectfully say something like: "It doesn't work for me to move anything else to my flat."

If your mother is offended by a reasonable, respectfully said boundary she will need to work through her feelings on her own. You didn't create the situation and you didn't agree to be responsible for any of this. Your mother and sister did.

From where I sit, what is yours to do is to protect the peace of your own flat and limit your involvement.