Sister out of control after dad's funeral

[walking on broken glass]

My dad's funeral was on Monday. I came back home, essentially fleeing the toxic environment my sister had created, that made it impossible for me to stay and support my mum. Sis is out of control. Yesterday she made my mum so upset over a trivial bureaucratic thing that my mum was crying. She was then refusing to put her on the phone for me. I don't have the energy for her viciousness and her mind games. But I can't avoid her while she is still there. I feel sorry for my mum who doesn't realize how badly her mental state is affected by my sister but unfortunately she has nurtured this dynamic for years. I don't know if I will manage to go through more conversations with sister without blowing up. She is truly a horrible person.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Sending condolences. So sorry about the passing of your dad.
 
I think those with PD are in their "element" during such times. So much that fuels them is readily available. Usually there is plenty of drama and some chaos mixed in with several people around to utilize. As long as that remains, I think the energy is too rich for them to easily leave.     
     
It is difficult though to see them impact someone else especially at a vulnerable time.
   
I think what you mention about a parent nurturing the dynamic for years is a very real aspect though. I see the same with my sister and feel like some of it is of my parent's own creation. They never told her to take a hike when she behaved ridiculously. Now they are sleeping in the bed they have made. Sometimes it helps ground me to realize that I did not cause it, it is not of my making, and is out of my reach to fix.
 
I am glad you are now away from an environment that was, to say the least, difficult. Take time now to care for yourself.
 

 

[bloomie]

walking on broken glass - how heartbreaking to see your mother, grieving and adjusting to the loss of your father, in such a toxic atmosphere.

You describe so well the reality of a parent nurturing an unhealthy dynamic in one of their children and the consequences to their health and well-being from that choice. So often the extent of the stress and anxiety brought to our elder goes unrecognized by our parent. It's just so strange.

There are those that are so dominate and controlling that even having a conversation with your mom over the phone is truly impossible until they leave. I have been in a similar situation where an elderly loved ones' land line, cell phone and mail were so powerfully controlled it was extremely difficult to even speak with the loved one. Any hope for privacy in a conversation was just not happening.

I can imagine how hard this is to bear witness to. My hope is that you can protect your own peace and continue doing what your are able under such hard circumstances.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you blueberry pancakes and bloomie.

I see the same with my sister and feel like some of it is of my parent's own creation. They never told her to take a hike when she behaved ridiculously. Now they are sleeping in the bed they have made. Sometimes it helps ground me to realize that I did not cause it, it is not of my making, and is out of my reach to fix.

This is spot on. I know that they created the problem and my mum is now suffering the consequences but it is still painful to watch. At least I removed myself from the situation, as you said.

There are those that are so dominate and controlling that even having a conversation with your mom over the phone is truly impossible until they leave. I have been in a similar situation where an elderly loved ones' land line, cell phone and mail were so powerfully controlled it was extremely difficult to even speak with the loved one. Any hope for privacy in a conversation was just not happening

This is exactly what has been happening. I cannot talk to my mum on my own, sis is either completely monopolizing the conversation or she is lurking in the background, listening to everything. As a result I keep the conversations very short and factual. I think my mum is also in a hurry to hang up because she knows sis might create problems or that I don't want to talk to her. It's so frustrating.

The other day my sis dragged my mum to a phone company because she wanted to get a number (she has one only for the country she lives in and wanted to get a local one). Somehow she managed to convince my mum it was a good idea to get a contract paying a monthly fee and leave the number to my mum when she leaves. Mind you, my sis comes to the country once a year for a couple of weeks and my mum already has a number and does not need a new one. She convinced her that the deal she got is better than my mum's deal, so mum now will have two numbers to handle, two contracts to pay for- and she is not even technologically savvy. I was fuming but they both seemed to think this was the perfect solution. Sigh

[LemonLime]

Walking, I have an uPD sib who lives out of country, and for decades has managed to convince my loving parents to finance her off-the-grid adventurous lifestyle.  It's a humble lifestyle, to be fair, but why my parents should be giving her interest-free loans (or maybe grants?) for her various small houses, I don't know.  Somehow, her need for a cell phone when she is in-country here ends up being my mom's problem, and sib is charming all the way.  Somehow she has enough charisma and fun storytelling and flattery that people seem to line up to give her things. Go to the store to buy her what she might need, store her Eurovan at their house free of charge while she gallavants around the world.  Of course, boundaries are non-existent in my family, so ........
People seem to live vicariously through her adventures.  So I believe part of her tendency for drama and embellishment is to play to her "audience".  If there's no show, not sure people would be so enraptured with her.

It's maddening to watch them manipulate.  I can relate.
Just remember....Karma!

[walking on broken glass]

Hello LemonLime! It is truly maddening. Tonight she decided that my mum needs a microwave oven, even though my mum has never owned or wanted one...

[walking on broken glass]

So I haven't been in touch with sis after she left and that's helped greatly. I can also finally get video calls with my mum on my own without sis interfering. However I am in a bad shape. I have been trying to keep it together all this time, be strong for my mum, not let my emotions overwhelm me. I find they now creep up and it's hard to control them. What makes everything 100 times worse is that I am going through a difficult application period, and I have an interview next week for a job it would be great to have. I need to be able to focus and it is so hard. My stomach is tied in knots, negative self talk has gone through the roof, and I still feel I didn't have a moment to grieve. It's horrible. I don't know what else to do but ride it out.

[Rebel13]

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you're experiencing the fallout of the stress of the past few weeks? months? It's so hard to go into a job interview when you are feeling insecure and unsure of your worth let alone finding the time and energy to figure out how to put the pieces back together personally.

Here's something I'm looking at for a couple of stressful events coming up in the future.
https://dbt.tools/emotional_regulation/cope-ahead.php

I don't know if it would be helpful to you, but I'm going to try it. My therapist suggested a couple of breathing exercises as the step 5/relaxation component, and adding a step 6 of giving myself praise for having done a difficult and important thing. If you try it, maybe we can compare notes!  In any case I'm sending you lots of good wishes as you grieve and try to heal from your dad's passing.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much, Rebel. I will give it a try. I was this close to pulling out of the interview today

[walking on broken glass]

I checked the link. I like the idea of imagining you cope effectively. I keep thinking that everything will go wrong and I will make a fool of myself.

[walking on broken glass]

So I passed the first round of interviews and next week I will have to make two presentations and have another interview (second round). I felt I could barely keep it together for the first round and I am not sure how I will cope with the stress and the preparation for next week. I can't concentrate, I can't think clearly and I can't sleep well which certainly doesn't help. I am terrified that I am going to perform badly and ruin my chances for a job I really want and would be good at. It's the only job that has come by in my field in the place where we live (I am an academic). I don't know what to do. I need to keep my head straight and be confident and most of the time I just feel like crying and staying in bed. How am I going to do this?

[Rebel13]

Congratulations on making it through the first round! Your message makes me remember when I got some good medical news and immediately went googling for the next bad possibility.  When I told my doctor this, she said, "Let's go back to being happy for a minute."  LOL Really, spend some time feeling good about getting through a job interview when you have been feeling so stressed and poorly. I know a little bit about academic job interviews and they are grueling!

I think probably you will "do this" i.e., take the next step, the same way you have gotten this far. Use whatever has worked for you! Trust that you can do it. Believe that being kind to yourself and getting rest and comfort are just as important right now, if that's what you feel you need, as is more formal/traditional interview prep. (I.e., no beating up on yourself if you need to sleep late, go to bed early, etc. rather than studying for the interview.) Read inspiring career advice, like this: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/qualifications-important-mojo-key-your-success-liz-ryan/

Don't discount that jolt of adrenaline that will come along in the moment, when you are in the interview situation, meeting new people, shaking hands etc. That can give you the extra little boost you need right at the right time.

Also remember that if things don't go your way in the end, this time, it isn't your fault or because you "performed badly" or anything else about you. I wrote something about this to mary_poppins a little bit ago: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=95633.msg810187#msg810187

You are at a fork in the road, and whichever way you end up going, you'll probably be OK, and you'll make the best of it, and you won't know what would have happened if you had taken the other path.

Rooting for you and wishing you the best!

[bloomie]

walking on broken glass -

congratulations on making it through the first round of interviews!

Going to be bold and speak to you as if you were my adult kid... You are the only one who can exercise inner boundaries and redirect your thinking around your ability to offer your best self and professional qualifications for this job in round two.

Do not let your emotions run the show. You are strong, smart, equipped, capable, and this is something you are positioned to do and do well.

Every single one of us has to get up each day... good night of sleep or bad night of sleep, having had a bad few days or good ones and focus on the life that is before us.

Replacing your dialog of can't and I don't with can and I will - empowering yourself by believing in yourself. Do not take your mother and sister into this wonderful opportunity with you. Leave them where they belong.. in the personal area of your life while you boldly step into the professional part of your life.

However this works out with the second round, you are learning and growing a lot through the process and possibly realizing just how much all of your FOO stuff has the potential to sabotage your life... but, only if you let it!

Thinking of you in the coming days and sending you the strength of lions! Get in there and fight for what you want and whatever the outcome - be at peace knowing you have done your best and will keep pushing forward toward your dreams!

Let us know how it goes! We are here with you in spirit!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Rebel and Bloomie. I feel better today and will do my best to prepare this week. I am thinking that, whatever happens, at least I can take time off after to recover. I will keep you posted about the outcome.

[walking on broken glass]

It's been a while. I did survive the interview! I did really well actually but the job went to someone else. It is fine though; I am proud of how I handled myself and how well I did, especially under the circumstances.

My partner and I have now come to my mum's holiday home for a long summer break and things are challenging here. My mum speaks to my sis on Skype for hours every single morning, so I keep away (we are on two separate floors) and engage with my mum when sis is finally asleep and offline. So far I have managed not to speak to her at all. We haven't been in touch since she left after the funeral and I am so happy about that. But she just messaged my partner to say "I heard that you are unwell, I hope you get better soon" (my partner just got Covid). It's so ludicrous she tries to show that she cares about my partner's health while we haven't spoken in ages, and it is so transparent she wants to cause problems because she is livid that she has no access to me at all. After her behaviour when my dad was at the hospital and after the funeral, I despise her even more, I simply can't stand to talk to her. I know that at some point I will need to have a difficult conversation with my mum who is completely blind to the situation and pretends everything is ok. My dad was the one with whom I had all the conversations about the relationship with my sis, and even though he was also pushing me to talk to her, deep down he knew why I couldn't have a relationship with her. He hardly talked to her on Skype himself and had admitted that he had resigned and left her to my mum to deal with. With my dad gone, all the family dynamics have changed: my mum is totally enmeshed with my sister, they have become even more codependent than before, and there is no one to push back to her nonsense. She is like a tyrant.

There is nothing new here really. It's just the realisation that I really want nothing to do with her that has hit me harder than ever. I had a conversation with my mum about inheritance and I asked her to please not leave any property to us split 50/50 but just divide things up, and I offered to get less than sis but my mum wouldn't have it. She said she doesn't see any problems with sis and I co-owning family property and why am I being difficult? She doesn't see that sis will use this as an excuse to cause problems in the future, control and pester me. But I very well know how problematic this will be. I tried to use reason to change her mind, saying that we live in different counties, it will be difficult to communicate about these things, she might have different ideas about the property etc but nothing worked. I will be tied with sis forever 

[Rebel13]

Congratulations on getting through the interview and feeling good about your performance! That's a triumph right there, if you ask me.

I'm really sorry about the situation with your sister and mother. I worry some about inheritance issues with my brother; so far he's staying out of the middle between me and my mom, but I know things can change once someone dies.

It sounds as though you are handling the immediate situation really well by taking the distance that you need and refusing to be pressured into having contact you don't want. Regarding future possibilities, it might be best to worry as little as you can about that right now. You expressed your wishes to your mother, which is great, but her decisions about her will are up to her. The future is in general pretty uncertain; a lot could change between now and the time any inheritance issues need to be decided. If it helps, you could spend some time thinking about your options and making tentative plans -- perhaps hiring a lawyer or professional mediator to represent you when the time comes, and having them communicate with your sister on your behalf? At the same time, just remember that you won't know how things will actually play out, until they do. It's very hard to live with uncertainty, as I'm learning after my health problems last year.  I'm listening to meditations and reading articles to help cope with anxiety about the future. You could try something like that, if it's helpful to you.

It sounds like things are going pretty well in other areas of your life and I'm so happy to hear it!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Rebel it's nice to hear from someone else that I am handling things ok. You are right, I will try to stop worrying about things that are not in the immediate future and over which I have no control. One step at a time
I have never tried meditation, does it work for you? I like exercising and yoga, I feel it helps me get rid of tension and stress. It's really hot where I am right now so rigorous exercise is challenging (unless it's swimming!)

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi walking on broken glass,

I second what Rebel13 wrote, about making plans for yourself, and getting your own legal advice if needed.

I think the idea of a 'safety plan' might be helpful to you since you foresee future events where your sister spins out of control and causes you headaches (regarding the 50/50 property). Before I went NC with my disordered relatives, I would sometimes create some plans such as "when so and so does this, I'm going to take these steps". And the plan was for me to feel more reassured-  steps to remind myself that I could deal with the situation calmly, and feel prepared (for them to be the disordered human being that they are). No need for denial or FOG about it right? We know how they are going to behave - that is what you tried to tell your mother when you tried to tell her it is a bad idea to split the property ownership 50/50. Did your mother sweep your concerns under the rug? It kinda sounds like it.

I cannot imagine co-owning property with any of my disordered FOO so I get it. What a stress you don't need. I guess if your mom was to believe you, about how this is a bad idea, she'd be admitting to herself that the situation is not what she wants it to be. Its so hard when our parents stay in their FOG.

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

Hi trees,

Thank you so much for your answer. You are absolutely right about the plan: it helps to feel that, when my sis gets out of control, I will know how to handle it. My mum is very deep in the FOG, so I can't really hope that she will change her mind about this. I think she secretly hopes that sis and I will keep in touch and draw closer by sharing property. Forced contact - that has been my parents' strategy all their life, not realising how misguided and deluded they were.

At least I am not in the FOG, haven't been for a long time. The cost of clear vision is watching others suffer without being able to intervene.

[Rebel13]

I have never tried meditation, does it work for you? I like exercising and yoga, I feel it helps me get rid of tension and stress. It's really hot where I am right now so rigorous exercise is challenging (unless it's swimming!)

I have tried meditation on and off many times over the years, and never gotten too much out of it. I just started working with a trauma therapist who is trained in mindfulness practice (? not sure exactly how they say it). She approaches it by addressing the physiological changes that happen under chronic stress -- basically the fight/flight/freeze response being activated more than I really need it to (since I'm rarely about to be attacked by a bear). So I'm taking tiny steps and I do feel a bit better, calmer and less anxious. I'm using the Insight Timer app to do focused breathing 2 minutes in the morning and at night, and another app called Mindfulness Bell which I have set to ring at intervals through the day, which reminds me to check in with how I am feeling, the state of my body (tight shoulders!) and take a few slow, deep breaths. This video from Emma McAdam/Therapy in a Nutshell explained a lot of this to me.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcoIE3Yiaw0&list=PLiUrrIiqidTVqab7pZivzb-e-tMA8qjd-&index=22

It's pretty hot here too, so I also like swimming. Sometimes I can almost use water walking as a walking meditation, or use it to stamp out the stress and frustration of the day. Whatever works!!!

treesgrowslowly, I love the insight that making a plan is about feeling calmer! Not a list of rules that I have to follow no matter what, or ignore until the time comes. But a tool that I can look at when worrying and reassure myself I'm capable of handling the situation.