Paying for college with OCPD xH and hidden $$

[Moving]

Hello everyone! I haven't been on here for a long time...which I guess is a good sign but I am stumped with this one. I have been divorced for 11 years and parallel parenting with my OCPD (NPD traits) xH. It has been a loonnnggg 11 years and we have been through it, court, no contact, evil emails, verbal attacks in public, control, control, control over daughter's life. She has missed out on so many opportunities due to him I can't even count. She is now 16 and graduating early from high school. She decided last year that she wanted to get away from him (we have 50/50 custody) so she opted to graduate as a Junior. She is going off to college in August on the East Coast...we currently live in Ca but are moving to Georgia in June. She chose the East Coast because she wanted to get away from his control and she wanted to have a completely different experience. She also wanted to be close to me...and she will be about 3 hours away from me.

Here is my dilemma...my xH won't tell me what how he intends to pay for college. He has told her numerous things...lies, truths, I don't know. First her told her he had 300k saved for her college, then he told her he would give her 15k a year...mind you...her school since she is out of state will be 40k a year. I have tried on several occasions to talk to him about this. I suggested we sit down with her and discuss college and how we are going to pay for it. He refused! So I tried through email to get him to give me some kind of info...even told him I was willing to pay half. He will give me NO INFO on his plan. The last email he sent me when I asked for his plan said "I am not counting on you to provide any help with Daughter's college.  For many years, you have told the court that you are unable to provide support to her and requested court orders to take money from me.  Has something changed?" This is complete BS but there is no point in arguing.

My fear is that if I don't get loans to pay for half that it will come down to the wire (time to pay) and he won't pay or expect me to pay. I don't want to put her through that. What should I do? Do I go ahead and secure the loans and pay for half? Do I secure the loans and wait and see?

Help! Thank you!

[SonofThunder]

Hello Moving,

First, a warm welcome to Out of the FOG. Second, since Out of the FOG is searchable to the online public, I choose not to include specifics (places and/or names) on my Out of the FOG posts that may allow someone to connect the dots and identify me or family members.

My experiences with the two PD's in my life have taught me that where the potential for control exists, my PD's will capitalize to create hardship so they can feed from the manipulation of their target victims.

I have therefore purposefully removed my situational connections with PD's to reduce/eliminate the control and it has been very effective. My PD's take advantage of offensive (vs defense) situations as it helps keep the target victim(s) on their heels in defense, and the PD in offense, already knows the plays unfolding, while defense is trying to figure it out, which is disadvantageous.   

Therefore, my experience is to maneuver myself secretively into an offensive position even if it is a financial burden (but still doable) to me. My PD's loathe being on defense because to them, they believe it makes them look weak, and they will then go overboard in attempt to recover their assumed, dwindled reputation.

If I was in your situation, I would act as if my child's PD parent was financially uninvolved in support of the child and make decisions accordingly. My desiring my self-protective offense position (vs a PD's controlling offensive position) would cause me to run my offensive plays before the PD becomes aware. If that meant I needed to secure funding for my child for college, acting as if the spouse would be contributing zero, I would fully put that plan in motion asap in an offensive (vs defense) manner. Doing so, helps to keep my child calmer, knowing that the protective non-PD is on offense, no matter what the PD parent chooses for themselves. 

SoT

[Rebel13]

If I was in your situation, I would act as if my child's PD parent was financially uninvolved in support of the child and make decisions accordingly.

BAM! Nailed it. That's what I was going to say too. Act like he isn't going to do anything for her. Then, if he does, it's the icing on the cake, and you can refigure the situation then.

And good luck! I'm sure it has been awful, but the finish line is in sight!

[MaxedOut]

 

[Breadroll]

Great advice above-

Also let the college know what the situation is so that no further confusion can be created behind the scenes -  that's another one to watch for.