Anyone else have fleas like these?

[Serendipity12]

It was at work recently that I pondered in why I often feel a sense of distance from colleagues - when really connection is what we all want and need as social animals, right? Then it hit me. I find it hard to see myself as equal to.  Either I am just not as good as person b who has just finished a great project (so I think I need to up my game and feel resentful) or person b has just made a load of errors and I feel a little resentful at having to be part of a team cleanup (and I might feel - ashamed to say it - a bit superior). Never do I feel equal to everyone else and we're all in this together.  I am constantly ranking myself and feeling insecure and that was exactly what my malignant npd mother would always, always do. Especially around vapid stuff like appearance.  And I hated it! Also should say that I really hate recognising that tendency in myself and feel quite ashamed. Anything at all that hints to me that I might be in any way like my mother is a major trigger.  She was/is such a destructive, awful influence in my life.
It has been roughly 8 years no contact and I was alarmed and a bit stunned to see this aspect of my narc fleas (I assume that's what it is) and I am going to have to work hard to eradicate them.  Anyone else had a similar experience? If so did you get past it? It has just underlined to me that this whole process takes tiiiimmme....

[bloomie]

Serendipity12 - Oh, how humble and vulnerable you are in this post and how much I appreciate it!! 

You sound... human, in the tendencies you describe. Especially given the atmosphere your mother created around you growing up!

And, if they are fleas and holding you back from engaging with compassion and understanding with others - even if only in your own head, how strong, wise, and brave to address these things!

[Serendipity12]

Bloomie, thank you so much for your kind reply.
I have to admit I was a little scared to check in on the forum as I wasn't sure what kind of responses would be there and it was wonderful and affirming to see your understanding and advice! I think part of the ongoing work I have to do is sorting through what is simply human nature and what may be narc fleas from my mother - regardless, if I can keep working towards more compassion and connection that has to be a good thing, right? 😊

[Call Me Cordelia]

Serendipity, you are far from alone with these feelings!!! Your post reminded me of a thread I started a couple of years ago about exactly this: I have trouble being equal.  https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=92744.msg792035#msg792035

I got super kind and reassuring perspective that I feel sure would be comforting for you as well. (Two years later, I'm still friends with "Susie." She's a good person.  )

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with bloomie. And I typed this reply before any other replies made it on to the thread so maybe I have missed something relevant, but...

As someone who is also triggered by any suggestion I may be like my mother, I would just urge some caution. Not with the aspect you mention, but in general. Beware of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I wanted to try doing some art work for enjoyment but was reluctant because my mother likes doing artwork. In the end my therapist pointed out that many people enjoy artwork. My mother does not have the monopoly. Enjoying it myself does not make me "like" her in any way other than happening to like an activity she enjoys, along with countless others who also enjoy it.

[Serendipity12]

Thank you Cordelia and NarcKiddo too.  You make really good points - I will check out the earlier thread and thanks for the link.  It is so reassuring to know I'm not alone with these kinds of thoughts. And a good point made not to be over-reactive in trying not to be like my mother in any and to find a balance, without throwing away positive traits and interests.  I am so grateful for this forum and all you lovely people who get it !

[frogjumpsout]

Hi everyone, just wanted to jump in and say yes, I definitely have fleas like this!! I think it's natural when brain development was shaped by some pretty hierarchical attitudes. I try to notice my mind going in that better/ worse than direction -- it can't make me act like a jerk if I'm noticing it.

[sunshine702]

I think 80 percent of the battle is realizing what is going on and that the programming is faulty.  My therapist talks to me about mirror work - maybe run to the bathroom at work and whisper to yourself out loud - I am just as good as Person A and Hey Person B made some mistakes but I have too - we are all trying really hard around here. 

[JustKathy]

It was at work recently that I pondered in why I often feel a sense of distance from colleagues - when really connection is what we all want and need as social animals, right? Then it hit me. I find it hard to see myself as equal to.

I definitely experienced those feelings. When I first entered the workforce I wanted so desperately to have friends and fit in, but I sabotaged everything by distancing myself. I felt that I wasn't on the same level as my co-workers. That I was somehow inferior and not worthy of their friendship. When I was invited to lunch with colleagues, I'd decline and eat alone in my office. I didn't go to company Christmas parties and events for the same reason. I also accepted whatever salaries were offered me, never negotiating a fair deal. I had some important jobs where I was barely paid a living wage because I believed I should just shut up and be grateful that someone wanted to hire me.

It took a very long time for me to recognize the problem and work toward improving it. At the start, I didn't understand why my mother treated me the way she did, and why I was unable to value myself. Once I understood what NPD was, I went into therapy and started to gain some self-esteem, but I don't think I'll ever fully be there. I'll never have the confidence that others do. As frogjumpsout said, I think this is normal as our brain development has been affected. But I'm aware of it now and am working on it.

I feel like I'll always be a work in progress, but I'm okay now, knowing I'm not alone. Sending you hugs...

[mary_poppins]

TY for starting this discussion. I have those fleas in abundance. Not feeling equal to people or feeling less than them (because of who my parents are; the shame of my abuse growing up makes me feel inadequate). It is toxic shame because of the initial emotional abandonment by our parents.
How I overcome this? I am in a 12 step group and in there we learn how to feel equal to other people. I don't think anyone is perfect in this world. I believe even those without childhood ptsd have issues that make them feel ashamed. Also, law of attraction content helps, too. In those text you learn that we are all one, coming from one loving source which is god or consciousness. Those texts and beliefs have had an incredible influence on me.