Telling my parents?

[HowDidIGetHere]

When is it ok to tell my parents what's going on with my wife? What is and is not appropriate to share?

I know my wife would want me to say nothing. But I don't think that's the right answer.

There was an incident this morning after a couple weeks of relative calm that had me shaken.

My day started with my wife telling me that there was a big wet spot on the floor and carpet in the den. She as convinced I spilled something last night and didn't notice or clean it up? I said it's more likely that the dog peed (he's house trained, but has a medical condition that makes him pee more).

I forgot to give him his meds last night (hardly ever happens, totally my fault). I also "took the dogs out too early (930pm vs 10pm) so this is clearly my fault. She's upset with me and raising her voice. I tell her I'll clean it up, just take the baby and feed him in the other room.

QI wipe up the floor, put a towel under the wet part of the rug. Tell her I'm gonna use the floor cleaner and carpet cleaner. By this point she's mad and tells me to leave it and she'll just do it herself "like everything else". I feel this is a trap. So I (stupidly? Input desired) continue to clean the floor as described.

After I was done she started yelling at me, swearing, and calling me names for using the carpet cleaner and not listening. For not using an enzymatic cleaner (which we don't have). That I ruined her whole day. That she and the baby couldn't be in that room because it smelled sooo horrible. (We've def used that carpet cleaner before then occupied the room right after.)

I told her that it's ok to be upset but she can't speak to me like that. She said she can speak to me how she likes and I can't control her. I said you're right I can't control you but I can control what I subject myself to and if you talk to me like that I'm not going to engage. She kept doing it so I went upstairs to get ready.

As I was going upstairs she said she'll never loved me. Said that she made a mistake and told baby she's sorry I'm his dad 🤷

I came downstairs and asked if she wanted me to take the babies so she could get ready or me breakfast or whatever. She said what I want just to get the last 6 years of my life back and go back and have never married you. I said that's not what I asked

She kept swearing and stuff so I said okay I'm going to take the dogs for their walk. She got upset, got in my way, started crying, kept swearing and all of that started raisng her voice.

She was holding the baby, and he was scared. So I told her you are scaring him. He looks like he's about to cry. She said that she was crying and that I obviously don't care about her and she kept shouting. So I said it again. She said I don't care about how you feel. (But I honestly think she was about to say I don't care if she was making him upset)

Amongst all the telling me how shitty I am, I mentioned a week ago when she was saying how I do so much and she's so thankful to have me and that I do way more than most husbands/fathers and that she feels guilty.

She basically said that yea I'm helping with the baby, but i don't do anything for her. I don't support her or love her and that she has to "beg for affection".

And like. Yea. I'm not very affectionate. Because you tell me that I don't love you and you don't want to hear it. That half the time when I say it you don't say it back. That you bite my head off for the tiniest things.

Called into work today. Wife doesn't want me around, so I'm just spending the day sitting in a parking lot feeling quite dead inside.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Also, what do you all think about apologizing for continue to clean the floor when she told me not to? Good idea or bad idea?

On the one hand I feel like I should because I did something she explicitly told me not to do. On the other hand I don't want to encourage all of the other stuff by apologizing.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry this is happening. Do you think your child is safe with your wife? I ask because whatever is causing your wife's comments and behavior, the well-being of your child is paramount.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Yes, I do think the baby is safe with her. She's not physically violent and her rages are always directed towards me.

[square]

Oh boy. Yeah, that's not cool at all.

When you mention "baby," I've got to ask about post partum depression. I understand it can cause some really abberant behvior. So, is there a history of this behavior, and has PPD been considered?

The behavior is unacceptable regardless, but if it has a treatable organic cause, that's the first thing to look into.

If not, yes, seek support where you can. If your parents are safe and supportive, yes, you can share your concerns. And read and post here, because your parents may not be experienced in this kind of behavior.

You were put into a no-win situation. So don't worry about whether you chose the right thing (keep cleaning or not) because you would have been punished whether you chose Door A or Door B.

Personally, my choice would have been Door B, hand over the cleaning, and hike on outta there. To keep cleaning just continued the engagement. Yup, you'll be blamed for "making" her clean up but I would personally be quite immune to this charge from someone who demanded this.

Should you apologize? Well, if you want to make the effort to resolve this, maybe ask her why she said she felt unloved. I can't tell you if her feeling unloved is based on anything real or not, but if you wanted to try to work on it, that's where to go. But it might just lead into a void that can never be filled, I don't know.

I hope you're feeling a bit better. I know those meltdowns are super stressful. And so confusing.

[Queenfrog]

That sounds awful, Howdidigethere. And so, so familiar. I'm so sorry. It sounds to me like you handled the whole situation fairly well and I agree with Square's comments. I'd have been out of there too. But I can't see why you should apologize for continuing to clean the floor during your wife's tantrum. She can still clean it with enzymatic cleaner if she wants to, right?

I also struggle with how much to tell family members (and friends) about what goes on in my marriage. In my view, one thing to consider is whether your parents have a good relationship with your wife now, and whether you want them to have a good relationship with her going forward. I have sometimes found in the past that after sharing information with others about my spouse's problematic behavior, I felt like I had turned them against him and I regretted it. I have recently started opening up with my family more, because it's been at least 20 years since he cut off all contact with them. He doesn't want relationships with them, so what am I trying to protect?

In any event, I think that when talking about it with others it may help to start the discussion in terms of her illness and suffering (not that you should neglect your own suffering), rather than engaging in a complaint and blaming session. Relatedly, consider your true purpose in talking with your parents about it. Are they a good source of support for you?

But what do I know. I've been putting up with verbal abuse for almost 40 years, so my advice should probably be taken with a pinch of salt.

[NarcKiddo]

Relatedly, consider your true purpose in talking with your parents about it. Are they a good source of support for you?

 

My inclination in such circumstances would always be to try speaking to a friend rather than family. But my FOO is highly dysfunctional and dangerous. They would like nothing better than to turn me against my husband completely were I to discuss issues with them.

However, family dynamics can be tricky, and even the most well-intentioned parents can be prone to give advice that favours their own child over the stability of a marriage. Which is one thing if there is only a couple to consider, but quite another if there is a baby. So my advice would always be to consider very carefully what and how much you might wish to share with parents.

I wish you well.

[sunshine702]

I can totally picture you there in the parking lot feeling in bits.  I am so sorry!!

This is NOT about the wet spot or the cleaning or not cleaning this is SOMETHING very much else indeed.  Power / control/ love / connection -  in a few days over a CALM dinner maybe ask something like "you seem really upset with me lately can I ask what you are feeling? 

Again that is super sad.  Relationship woes and feeling alone.

I second a trusted friend or a very wise and kind family member -but then I have TOXIC parents. 

[MaxedOut]

You were put into a no-win situation. So don't worry about whether you chose the right thing (keep cleaning or not) because you would have been punished whether you chose Door A or Door B.

Either choice would have led to a meltdown. And had you followed her request, explaining or pointing out you just did as she asked wouldn't have mattered. In this case, probably would have even been the same accusations. It's not about logic or there being the right thing to do or say.

She was dysregulated and unless she is specifically working on catching that, basically there is no right answer until she is able to reregulate. You are not responsible for reregulating her emotions, not are you responsible for her emotions dysregulating.

There may be things that are unhelpful and helpful for that, but, again, you are not obligated to put her regulation issues ahead of your well-being or your child's (if those are in conflict). Often they aren't; a bit of time and space often helps all around.

It sounds pretty familiar to me (unfortunately for us both) including the part about the parking lot. It is really easy to spend "exiled" time wrapped up in the whole conflict that preceded. But again, there was no right choice and nothing good happens until she deregulates.

As the non-PD person, we typically do have (or can have) more ability to break from emotional flooding. I wonder what it might look like if you took that exiled-time to do something caring or grounding for yourself?

(Though they don't know the details, my parents sometimes get a call or visit from me at these times as it is really good to be in that space of love, healthy communication, normalcy, and support).

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

When is it ok to tell my parents what's going on with my wife? What is and is not appropriate to share?


So, my first thought is what do you want from your parents?  support?  just to listen?  love? Sharing with family can be tricky as other people noted, yet.....not sharing what you are experiencing is tough. 

I think figuring out what you would like from your parents and then how can you get "that" with sharing as little as possible?

I started to avoid my parents because of my marriage - the process of isolating myself - I certainly do not suggest that - if you have a decent relationship with them, please make sure you keep that going.

[notrightinthehead]

In addition to all the good advice you have been given already- it really made a big positive change in my life when I broke the silence. Keeping my partner's behavior a secret somehow made it unreal and allowed me to tolerate it much much longer than I should have. So if you have safe people you can open up to - it might really help your situation.

If you can, try to record your wife's disregulated rants on your phone. Again, it will make it more real.
And I would worry about the baby. Even if she doesn't physically abuse him, there are many ways you can abuse children.
Also- you do need support. Do you have a therapist, counselor, support group? If not, make an effort to get one.

[blacksheep7]

This is NOT about the wet spot or the cleaning or not cleaning this is SOMETHING very much else indeed.  Power / control/ love / connection -  in a few days over a CALM dinner maybe ask something like "you seem really upset with me lately can I ask what you are feeling? 

Again that is super sad.  Relationship woes and feeling alone.

I second a trusted friend or a very wise and kind family member

I agree that it is not the carpet etc...  Something else is up and it was just an occasion to lash out at you.

So sorry that you have to leave your own home.  I can relate having done the same with toxic bfs.

I also agree with NRITH about the baby not being safe, continuing to yell, scaring the baby in her arms.

Does this happen often? Something to look into indeed.