They thought "I was back" when resumed contact for six weeks

[Blueberry Pancakes]

For six years I have been NC with my sister and VLC with elderly parents.

I resumed contact last month however as I realized parents had become quite unwell and moved them to assisted living. I rushed through the move in order to get it over so I could go back to my peaceful life of NC/VLC as quickly as possible. I re-engaged with my sister during this time which was the toughest part. 
 
During the weeks of contact, I kept the boundary of discussing only the tasks involving the move and logistics of setting up parents' ongoing care. I never explained my NC/VLC or revisited hurts of the past. I never discussed my personal life, nor did I ask about any else's. I withheld any display of emotion about the challenges of the situation. One week after parents were moved and things seemed settled, I reduced contact again. I took a vacation with my darling husband and it was fantastic.
   
Two days into my vacation however, my sister was texting me twice a day with non-critical things about our parents such as she was going to get dad a cane or some gossipy tidbit about my mother's hair looking awful. I never responded to her. I think she expected I would continue to be accessible to her. Her last message was "we need to talk... why aren't you calling me?" It took her less than one week to make demands on my time and attention and act aggressive when I did not comply. I put my phone in my suitcase and never looked at it again.   
     
I realized my dad had called a couple days after my sister's last text. He left a message asking if they still had the correct phone number for me because nobody had heard from me, and said they were so happy I was "back on speaking terms" with my sister and hoped it would continue. Clearly, my sister ran straight to our parents with her complaints about me ignoring her and was not deterred from such triangulation by parents being ill and in assisted living. It took less than one week for the cycle of triangulation, anger, and blame to spin.   
     
These people seem unable to hold it together or behave in any restrained manner. I believe this shows that they thought "I was back". If accurate, I find it ridiculous that anyone would allow a relationship to simply resume after six years without any reconciliation. None of them seem able to realize my duration of contact was only to address the parent's obvious need.   
               
I remain non-responsive to all of their displays, calls and messages. I am not explaining anything to anyone. It never helped and is only more crazy-making to try. I suppose their reaction is common, or at least to be expected - right? 

Thanks.   

[notrightinthehead]

Seems like it's hard for your FOO to accept the message when they thought you were back in the fold. Of course they would be disappointed and feel rejected. They will just have to learn to cope with these feelings, while you continue to behave in a healthy and - for you safe - way. Sounds like you got this! Congratulations!

[NarcKiddo]

I guess the reaction is not surprising. And, if you tried to explain they would likely turn the blame on you. "How were we expected to know?" blah blah. They probably also think they were being nice by accepting you back into the fold without question. Actually, what do I know about what they think? But that is what my FOO would think.

I was thrown out of the fold years ago when I ran off with an unsuitable man and married him. In hindsight they were correct about him being unsuitable but that was for me to find out. Unfortunately my mother starting missing my supply so she "forgave" me and got back in touch. I foolishly welcomed this. My father remained steadfast in keeping me out and away from my younger sibling. But when I left the unsuitable man they swamped me, and immediately started providing financial help (not requested). I was only young and still enmeshed when they thew me out so it is no surprise I got sucked back in. But it was a mistake on my part. I should never have accepted my mother's "forgiveness" and should have stayed well out.

We live and learn. I am glad you are holding fast. You know from experience it will do no good to cave in so  it is good you are not doing so.

[moglow]

Oddly I guess we should have predicted that, except I didn't realize it's been that long for you. All or nothing thinking at its best. Md would regularly throw down then back off (or I did), eventually she'd come sniffing back around as if all was right with the world.

You really would think after several years silence one wouldn't simply flip back over as if it were just a few weeks ago. Their "So happy you're back on speaking terms" doesn't mean anything has changed for you. You went well above compassion and care for other humans in need, and saw to it *their situation* was resolved. For them to take that and run with it is mind boggling.

But no one noticed you were strictly business, doing what needed to be done as quickly and painlessly as possible?? Nothing has changed for them, they are still all they see. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Notright, Narckiddo and Moglow.   

I do think they likely feel rejected again and agree it shows all or nothing type thinking. I think maybe they accepted my presence because they did not replace the supply their scapegoat gave them so were not going to question when it returned. 
         
Yes, also I do think this shows that 'they' are still all they see.

I did go above and beyond in offering compassion by making long term arrangements for the parents. I sort of resent it and sometimes wonder if my actions showed an element is still present in me with the "O" of FOG. At the time, I thought without an interception, they were on a crash course for disaster that may have caused injury to others or a life-ending accident. I thought it would have been worse for me to live with in the long term.     
                   
I am still recovering from all the contact though, and it has been one more eye-opener why I was NC/VLC. Thank you.   

[moglow]

Blueberry, you did the good,the compassionate thing there. You didn't make promises or grovel you way into anyone's good graces. The way they choose to see it isn't your stuff. 

Remotely curious what sis "needs to talk about." Surely she can sweep up remaining loose ends for mom and dad, she doesn't actually need your input or discussion. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Blueberry, you did the good,the compassionate thing there. You didn't make promises or grovel you way into anyone's good graces. The way they choose to see it isn't your stuff.

Remotely curious what sis "needs to talk about." Surely she can sweep up remaining loose ends for mom and dad, she doesn't actually need your input or discussion.

Gosh, thank you so much Mogolow for those insights. The clarification that my contact with them was not about groveling into their good graces is a good point. Also, how they choose to see it not being my stuff. It helps to detach any lingering entanglement.

Yes, my sister "needed to talk about" getting into our parents house to locate some non-critical tax statements. I have their key and made a copy for her along with giving her their garage door opener that allows access via an unlocked door. She had two ways to enter. When she attempted to get into their house, the key did not work. She texted "I gave her the wrong key". (I didn't, by the way. It works on the back door, not the front, which she did not try that.) She also stated that the garage door was locked so she made an hour-long drive for nothing. She was incorrect about the garage door being locked because the door handle does not twist, but you just need to push the door and it opens. 
 
I saw her behavior as a case of 1) creating a problem where the was none, 2) blaming someone else for it (me), and 3) demanding they fix it. I just ignored her texts, which I have since blocked.   

Thank you so much. 

[Rebel13]

Good for you Blueberry Pancakes! Your kindness to your parents is much more than I plan on doing for my mom with whom I'm no contact now.

I also want to quibble with the idea that they "feel rejected." I doubt they feel that, in the way that you or I would. I think you nailed it when you said they were pleased at the return of the supply that you had given them as the scapegoat, and now they're upset it went away again. Sorry they're hoovering and I hope they give up and go away soon, for your peace and happiness.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think you nailed it when you said they were pleased at the return of the supply that you had given them as the scapegoat, and now they're upset it went away again. Sorry they're hoovering and I hope they give up and go away soon, for your peace and happiness.

Thanks, Rebel. The aspect of them drawing supply and fuel in this situation was interesting. In reality, my level of interaction had nothing to do with them and was only about what I deemed appropriate in the situation.   
           
As for giving up, I feel like they will never just walk away. It somehow feels like sharks are circling in the water beneath me waiting for me to throw food at them. I can only keep them blocked, keep them out of my thoughts, and not respond to other attempts (which seem to have no bounds). Thanks.