Update on Couples Counseling

[Fae Greenwood]

I wrote a wandering thread a while back about my current experiences with couples counseling and thought I'd post an update. I feel like I've stepped out of the emotional maelstrom I was in a year ago.

My husband's behavior has improved. There has been a sharp decline in angry outbursts or blaming me automatically. There has been a limited improvement on him adding positive behaviors.

I did start being intimate with him again with the clear statement that I would never again have sex without my wishing for it. It doesn't happen often, maybe once per month at best, but it is happening. I hadn't had any pleasure from the act in over 8 years before so that was a nice change.

We are still seeing the counselor and I plan to make that permanent as long as I still live with him. My original goal was to give my uNPDh a realistic chance to make changes in his behavior so that, when I left, I could do so believing that I did give him a clear and reasonable chance to change. That goal has changed to getting him the emotional support he needs from another source. The counselor keeps emphasizing that he's made improvements and wants me to recognize that and soften my boundaries with him. I do recognize the improvements but we have not dealt with any of the damage done to me over the years and I don't think we ever will. I've been down this road before with him. He's hoovered me back in with better behavior years ago but he always reverted to the dark side. If past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, then he'll behave badly again. I found myself hoping for reconciliation. Forgiveness is a person letting go of their anger and right of revenge and can only be done in the heart of the wronged one. It does not change the relationship. Reconciliation is two people acknowledging that the relationship cannot continue in its current form, acknowledging the hurt they have both inflicted and experienced, and choosing to build a new relationship on the ruins of the old. I can give him forgiveness but it's clear I won't have reconciliation. I'm working at accepting that.

I've realized that he pushed his anxieties on me, and I mean ALL of them. His difficulty at work meant that I had to be punished. Fear of a medical issue meant that I had to be punished. His being overwhelmed by a difficult time meant I had to be punished. So that is a recurrent theme in our sessions, that he can't use me to manage his anxieties, he has to find another way.

We've also begun using a fiduciary financial planner. He'd spent years refusing to tell me what was going on with our money and now that is all documented by a third party. That's been a huge relief to me that we have a third eye on that. And, with narcissist logic, we pay someone a fair amount to give us advice so that advice is being followed.

I'll continue to attend the sessions as long as they are not damaging to me. I am backing away from my hard dates to leave but the option is most definitely still open.

And my signature is still valid. I rarely get to spend screen time without his inquisitive eye. Thanks for listening. I do check in on read only and see what's going on.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh Fae! Thanks for the update. So glad that you are able to take back some control and that the couples counseling is helping. I hope for you that you can build up strength and keep a clear mind while you give your marriage another chance.

[Cascade]

I'm glad you've seen some positive things by going to counselling, which is uncommon from what I've read. Hope it continues.

[bloomie]

Fae Greenwood - thank you for the update! It is good to hear of some good progress and that you are carefully considering all of your steps with your needs and protection in mind.

I really appreciate this clarity in what you wrote - so helpful I am adding it to my journal:

Forgiveness is a person letting go of their anger and right of revenge and can only be done in the heart of the wronged one. It does not change the relationship. Reconciliation is two people acknowledging that the relationship cannot continue in its current form, acknowledging the hurt they have both inflicted and experienced, and choosing to build a new relationship on the ruins of the old.

The hope for reasonably equal consideration and taking responsibility for the damage done is understandable, but can also lead up to crushing disappointment if it doesn't come to pass. Sending you wisdom and strength as you accept what you cannot change and change what you can!

[Fae Greenwood]

NRITH and Cascade, I had little hope for counseling success so partial improvement is much more than I anticipated. And I'm not sure I'm giving my marriage another chance as much as choosing to limit the familial, social, and financial damage of my divorce. There are things I can do for our adult children and their kids that can positively improve their lives now and in decades to come. Much of that dries up if I leave my uNPDh. As long as his behavior remains within acceptable limits I'll likely stay. If the darkness returns I'll have to leave and deal with the consequences. I'd really like to keep my full retirement and my community but my mental health is important too.

Bloomie, accepting that I am not and have never been responsible in any way for my husband's behavior through commission or omission was a huge step forward. I can take responsibility only for my words and actions. After years of his rages, constant criticism and evident dislike, I'm working out if his current behavior changes are enough. Occasionally I'm overwhelmed with anger at what he put me through for nothing. Thank you for sending me wisdom and strength, I can certainly use it. My mental fortress is still up and manned though it is no longer enduring an active siege. No wonder I'm often so tired! I'm constantly on guard!

And I want to say how much I've learned over the years from so many in this forum. Thank you all.