New here, seeking advice on what seems like the worst attitude ever

[lovingsister12]

Hi everybody. This is my first post ever on a family/support forum for people with loved ones with BDP. My younger sister received what we finally believe is an accurate diagnosis of BPD after a lifetime of confusing diagnoses and struggling (along with other comorbid issues, an eating disorder, extreme anxiety and depression, OCD, and some substance dependence). We are very close, we always have been, and probably in recent years too close for my own good. The main issue right now (on a seemingly endless list) is her absolutely horrible attitude. She is convinced she has tried everything and nothing works for her and she is doomed to a life of misery and suffering. She will not accept that she has ANY agency or control over her attitude/mindset, especially when it comes to treatment and therapy. She has had two therapists tell her they can't help her anymore and recommend a higher level of care. Just this week she was rejected from a prestigious IOP advanced DBT program because her attitude was so angry and horrible. They said to her face (for the first time) "the reason therapy isn't working is you". They recommended an inpatient program, not because she is in crisis and needs stabilization, but because her angry and terrible attitude she brings to therapy and group therapy ensures it will not work and she won't even entertain the idea that some of this is could be within her control. I am extremely frustrated by this lack of agency because she is extremely smart, high functioning, capable, and I do ultimately believe she has it in her to accept and try treatment and recover significantly. It feels like it is in some ways easier for her not try. It feels like she would rather continue to suffer and make everyone around her suffer than just give it her all and give DBT/therapy/treatment a real go. She tries something once and going into it thinks it won't work and then of course that gets confirmed and then we are right back where we started (meditation, journaling, yoga, breathwork, she says NOTHING works or helps).

Has anyone else experienced this with a loved one who is convinced they have absolutely no control? She says "I don't know how to change my attitude. No one has the answer and everyone makes it seem like something I can just do and am choosing not to. When I try to drown out my negative thoughts the voice that is at my core says you're hopeless and this isn't working. Do you see how being told that your suffering is within your control is horrible? I have spent years trying to feel better what am i doing wrong?" I don't think she can acknowledge (at least not yet) that some part of her is fulfilled by an extreme victim complex and learned helplessness. She always wants an outside fix, a pill or an expert to tell her what to do from an external source that will magically make her pain go away. I'm sure it is a painful truth to accept that the only person who can ultimately really change things for her is her. But why not start now? She says "If i don't feel in control how can i control it? I can' sit and will myself to be a different person. I've tried." What do you say to someone like this? I'm at a loss. I'm out of answers. I always indulge her and try to be positive and encouraging while validating and acknowleding her pain and suffering. But she just is looking to argue and can find something wrong with anything you say. It is a pointless loop of circular reasoning that gets neither of us anywhere.

What do you say or do with someone who refuses to believe they have any power over their own life and healing? I swear to god she has the worst attitude of anyone ever. I love her more than anyone else but she has put me and family through so much (emotional abuse, financially, guilt tripping, blackmailing, lying). We need her to step up and take things into her own hands and give treatment a try. But of course the only person who can do that is her and she doesn't want to. But she wants to feel better and not suffer. What is there to do or say? Sorry for such a long first message. Sending lots of love and healing. 

[Rebel13]

Hello lovingsister12!

It is always so difficult to watch someone we love struggling and not being able to get out of their own way.

You seem very aware that your sister is the only one who can make her life better. That's something we talk about a lot here -- that we can't fix or save another person. Unfortunately there are lots of messages out there telling us we can, and should, and that's why we keep reminding ourselves of the truth -- that we're not that powerful.

I would venture to suggest that your sister's current attitude is not only self-defeating. It's also bringing her a lot of energy and attention from you, her loving sister. What do you think might happen if you stopped offering her that "reward" for her behavior? What might happen if you tried using some of the techniques from the Toolbox here -- I'm thinking maybe Boundaries might be a good topic to think about, and maybe Medium Chill. Maybe even a degree warmer than Medium Chill, for example, "Wow, what you're struggling with sounds really hard. I don't have much experience with that. What are some things you could do to work on that problem?" And then stop talking, and listen. And repeat as necessary.

There are lots and lots of resources and modalities in the world to help people who are struggling, but no one can dig someone out of an entrenched position except that person, when they are finally motivated or desperate enough to help themselves.

I wish you good luck and peace in this difficult situation, and I know others here will have good thoughts and ideas for you.

[lovingsister12]

i think you're probably right that her attitude earns her attention and energy from me and my parents. Something in her is fulfilled by that but it's never enough. I have to try some boundaries and stepping back, for both her sake and my own. Endlessly indulging her ultimately doesn't help either of us. She claims she is desperate and motivated to get herself out, but I can see that she is not yet. It's hard to accept that there's not much else I can do until she gets there herself. Thank you for your words and thoughts   

[Defiantdaughter1]

Has her outlook interfered with her professional and academic life?

Is there any activity that makes her happy? Does she have hobbies?

[lovingsister12]

She does excellently in school, straight As, and performs well at work, but has trouble maintaining friendships and romantic relationships. She finds some joy in a few activities but most of the time says her pain numbs all her joy and she can't even experience joy at all (not true, she just can't see beyond the present moment). She enjoys music, musical theater, fashion, exercise classes. But she will deny that any of these things bring her joy or the minimal joy they do bring is completely overshadowed by her pain.

[bloomie]

lovingsister12 - hi and welcome to Out of the FOG! What a challenge to learn to navigate well the type of mental health issue in a beloved family member that always feels urgent. I am so sorry your whole family is suffering along with your sister.

I would point out something ever so gently... from what you describe here your sister is very powerful. She is controlling an entire family system and refusing to cooperate with highly trained, skilled programs and individuals over what sounds like years.

There are those that control through weakness and vulnerability and as you said, learned helplessness. That your sister can function highly in academic and work environments, but not interpersonally is interesting and helpful for you to see. Those environments have limits, boundaries, deadlines, a payoff your sister seems to care about for performance. Relationships are, by nature, intended to be reciprocal and negotiable.

Something I would suggest is to begin to shift your focus from what is going on with your sister to how this is impacting you and your own independence and achievement. How much is your mental health and energy taken up and used by your sister instead of by and for yourself?

You have come to the right place as you think through limiting and setting boundaries. There is a great deal of good information and help for you in this community as you consider how to do that.

It is important to base limits and boundaries on what does and does not work for you and in the knowledge of where you end and another begins. It is a jumping in place to know we live out limits and that boundaries are always about what we are going to do or not do, allow and not allow.

Take some time to read through the articles and information here and join the conversations.

Here is a great article about boundaries to get you started: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0

And most importantly, keep coming back and sharing as you go forward. It helps to lighten a heavy load!