Boundaries

[StillHere1976]

How do I let myself get pulled back into his web. - I just retired 2 months ago and have been determined to live my life happy and peaceful, which was going amazingly well. After sitting behind a computer for the last 45 year,I am exercising and utilizing my time with our grandkids, which I ask him every time I plan a day with the kids or a peaceful walk, if he wants to go. He always says no. I have been the only one working for the last 15 years - hold on I just heard him fall, he has been on a 5-day drinking binge from 8 in the morning till, well wee hours of the next morning. Back to being drawn into the web, which feel so insane about letting myself go there. He has no drivers' licenses due to a DUI in 2011, so he wanted me to go to the store and buy him cigarettes. I told him we discussed this  when I quit smoking, him smokes 3 packs a day and I won't buy cigs or alcohol, so he called me fridged and I don't understand why you won't do this for me, he also made a statement the men in the neighborhood can't wait to watch me on my walks with their tongues hanging out, I let that go. Mind you I am a 67-year-old women.  Then he preceded to tell me I was self-righteous and started cussing and carrying on and told me to give him a break and get off his back. So I said nothing, went and got my purse got in my car, I told him he I don't want to spoke to like that and left, had to go back in to grab my phone, then he is begging me to talk this out so there I was back in the saddle again. Help me continue on the right path. Need input....

[Cascade]

Hi, welcome to this forum. Wow, that sounds really tough. If you post in one of the other areas of the forum, you'll get more responses.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Check out the Toolbox for a start and the Committed to Working on it and the Separating boards. I think you might find some interesting information there.
Good for you to get up and leave when he started abusing you! No need to stick around. Do you have a safe space in your home? A place where he can't get to you? If not, can you create one?

[Rebel13]

Hi StillHere, it sounds like you are having a really hard time.  You wrote,

How do I let myself get pulled back into his web.

Questions like that go through my head quite a lot, but sometimes I don't take the time to sit still and REALLY ask myself, if you know what I mean? So maybe it would help to spend some time considering that question. How DOES it happen? Why DO you "let yourself"? Why do you stay? There are probably LOTS of reasons, some very realistic, and some maybe not so much, and maybe some you don't know you have, or don't want to think about. (I say that because I am going through something similar, becoming aware of some things I am carrying and how much I don't want to think about them, even though it might help me a lot if I did.)

At the same time, it might be good to congratulate yourself for what you HAVE done -- congratulations on your retirement! I love that you are doing activities that you enjoy and that matter to you. That's so important. It's also terrific that you are setting and holding boundaries for what you will and won't do for your husband.

I wish you so much luck and peace. Like notrightinthehead and Cascade have said, check some of the other forums because there are lots of kind people here who have experience with difficult partners and are great resources.

[bloomie]

StillHere1976 - welcome! I am glad you reached out to this community of fellow travelers and yet, so sad to think of this wonderful season in your life under the specter of your H's addictions and toxic behaviors.

You have already made some important decisions - to enjoy this time, get out and move with your precious grandkids, to refuse to enable and purchase cigarettes and alcohol for your H. To pursue peace.

Part of empowering ourselves is to think about how we communicate both verbally and nonverbally...

I told him he I don't want to spoke to like that and left, had to go back in to grab my phone, then he is begging me to talk this out so there I was back in the saddle again.

If you hold the standard that you do not allow verbal abuse from anyone, then in a calm, sober (on his part) moment you communicate that you do not allow anyone to verbally abuse you and you will leave the conversation if that begins. Then you do it. Every. Single. Time.

This is not something you are asking for or want... this is something that you will do in response to abuse and disrespect.

This is one example, but taking time to read through the toolbox and trait info at the drop down menus, packing a go bag to keep in your car for such moments, refusing to engage in unproductive manipulative conversations with a hung over person, are good starting points.

My sense is you have been in this relationship a long time and the shift of you being home together is exposing how deep the issues are with your H and how they are negatively impacting you. Peace in this season is worth working toward.

I love the work of this guy: https://www.youtube.com/@UcanOutdoors

The short vids (friendly reminders) cut right to the heart of it for me.. each ending with "know your worth, protect your peace" which has become a mantra of sorts and these reminders may be a boost to you, too!

Another mantra that means a great deal to me that I learned when I arrived here is The 3 C's Rule
which says: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it"

The only one we can control, cure, change is ourselves. So glad you are here and looking forward to cheering you on as you strengthen your boundary skills and continue reaching for peace!