Writing him a letter?

[daggmus]

My dad has always been difficult in the sense that he was always right, never consistent and never sorry about any of his actions. I learned that the way it all worked out better for me was to avoid confrontation, or when having an argument agree to disagree and walk away. Never did I win any arguments, and if I did he resented me for it and made me pay later by smug comments or nasty attitude. Since I was 15 (am 31 now), I didn´t live with him, I stayed with my mother. But I did visit my dad's side of the family because I have two (much) younger brothers as well as a stepmom I grew up with and adore.

On occasions his behavior has been so foul and so unpleasant I really don't want to be in his vicinity, because I know he can lash out at any time. And it's not against me, rarely is, because I've always avoided him and considered my behavior as to not bother him. No, his comments are mainly against my stepmom. And he's in one of his eras again, and I won't have it. He's picking on her, making accusations to her as a person and being negative about every, single thing she does or does not do. She can handle herself well, but he also does this in front of me (and at other times in front of my siblings) and last week I told him off when he attacked her. I told him I thought it was uncalled for, that he was being disrespectful, and that it wasn't okay. After me leaving the room he got angry and went to bed. And the next day we didn't speak of it. And later that night at a party we were hosting he found some insignificant thing that "I did", called me out on it, calling me inconsiderate and bitchy (and other things), in front of people we met the same night and my brother's girlfriend. I sat there, keeping my voice monotone and repeated the phrase "okay..." after every comment he made about me until he left.

And at this point he's being so negative towards my stepmom that I don't want to visit him. I still want to visit my stepmom and my brothers, but I feel like he's bringing way more negativity than anything else at this point. And I don't know how to act because if I tell him off everything goes to shit. And if I don't I'm enabling and not setting boundaries for myself.

I though about sending him a letter, because there's a small part of me that thinks it might help. Maybe he'll understand something and change. He has, after all, been a really positive part of my upbringing and a very upbeat and optimistic individual. But he's lost it more and more. And nowadays he has bad hearing (which he won't go to doctor about), and I think it makes him more grumpy and irritated. But this letter I'm afraid won't do much or at worst it might make things worse for my stepmom. He's always seen it as us "being on the same side" and even though it comes from me I'm not sure he won't use it against her, in any way he can find.

Any suggestions on how to handle him? Writing a letter? Trying to stand up to him everytime? I just don't know how to approach him.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG!

So, what would be your goal in writing this letter? There's a small part of you that believes it will help, but your introduction of your dad would seem exactly contrary to that hope:

"My dad has always been difficult in the sense that he was always right, never consistent and never sorry about any of his actions."

I have a dad like that too. I think your instincts are likely to be correct given past behavior being the best indicator of future behavior. But if it would be helpful to YOU to express your thoughts on paper, to get your own observations crystal clear, I can see that as being a helpful thing, whether you choose to deliver it or not.

Have you looked around the website already? It seems like you've already figured out the techniques of grey rock/medium chill. Well done handling that confrontation at the party. That was some pretty vindictive behavior in retaliation for you defending your stepmom. I think you already have seen in spades how he responds to being told he's in the wrong.

If you want to visit your stepmom and brothers, but not your dad, how could you arrange for that to happen? Given the way he behaves, and it seems like everyone is well aware of the problem, simply reducing the time you spend with dad seems like a very reasonable approach.

[bloomie]

daggmus - Hi and welcome! I am glad you found us, but so sorry the relationship with your dad is challenging!

Count me in as another person here who sees the wise and mature way you have learned to navigate a father who is unpredictable and refuses to take responsibility for their words/actions that hurt and harm others.

When confronted with your father's disrespect and mistreatment of your stepmom it seems like you said what you needed to say in the moment knowing full well you most likely were going to encounter some pushback.

When confronted with your father's disrespect of you in a group setting it sure seems like you used great tools to avoid escalating your father's wounding behavior and words. Bravo!! 

Here's the thing... if there is something you want to say to your father in written form that you didn't say for YOUR healing health and well-being, then do so, but if you are hoping to change him, or bring him to a place of self awareness and contrition... that most likely would be an exercise in disappointment.

A wise person once told me something like this: "Say what you need to say, one time, and then move on."

Did you say what you needed/wanted to say? If so, is it wise to redirect your energy toward healing and processing what is truly unacceptable, crappy behavior from your father to his family?

One of the hard things about coming Out of the FOG is that we have to learn how to hold to opposing truths about someone we love at the same time. For example you describe your father these ways:

My dad has always been difficult in the sense that he was always right, never consistent and never sorry about any of his actions. I learned that the way it all worked out better for me was to avoid confrontation, or when having an argument agree to disagree and walk away. Never did I win any arguments, and if I did he resented me for it and made me pay later by smug comments or nasty attitude.

and

He has, after all, been a really positive part of my upbringing and a very upbeat and optimistic individual.

Both of those things are your truth of your father. And yet, you have walked with extreme caution around him and not been able to live with him for 1/2 of your life. Sometimes, the one side is destructive and dysfunctional enough we have to distance ourselves, as you have done. Getting to a place of reasonable level of acceptance of what you cannot change, and getting more comfortable with the discomfort of those two opposing truths, is possibly part of your inner work going forward.

Something else I would point out.. your describe your stepmom as strong and able to handle herself. Has she asked you to intervene? Is there any reason to believe your father has added physical abuse to his verbal abuse? Is your father verbally and/or physically abusive to your brothers? (you don't have to answer these questions, just food for thought)

Maybe the conversation that would bring you the best sense of what is yours to do in all of this would be with your stepmom and brothers?

Just my thoughts. How it works here is we jump in and offer you our thoughts and insights given the tiny bit we know from what you have shared. Then you take what is helpful and leave the rest!

Keep coming back and sharing! It helps lighten a heavy load!