The need for an apology

[JLS]

Over a lifetime of slights, criticisms, rejection from my mother I have often asked for an apology or tried to fix things or get an acknowledgement of the hurt.  Recently after way too many years I finally gave up and am now NC. When I went NC I was still asking for an apology over a criticism she gave and even said to her 'are you really willing to give up the relationship rather than apologize', the answer was 'if you don't like it, it's best you leave'. I have so far, always gone back and so I assume she believes I will return again, not this time though.

I just had this thought.  The pain and hurt is mine. I came to see it's not about her.  I had in the past mixed it all together, I'm hurt because she said or did xyz and I wanted to heal or fix the relationship and I believed this would help heal me. But I had this thought that this pain is mine and mine alone. The only person who can heal it is me.

Then I realised how much power and control I had handed to her without even realizing it. In needing that apology to feel better or heal I had essentially given her power over my emotions.  I then realized that even if she did apologize it would be unstable.  She could at any moment say or do something hurtful, so essentially the apology is useless. I would still need to heal my own pain. But for so many years I really believed I needed that apology.  I was so hurt she refused. I needed to see some acknowledgement to see she cared about me.

If her MO is to put me down, take down my self worth then not only was she getting pleasure at the initial criticism but then again when she withheld the apology or acknowledgment. How much power did I give her?  The power to hinder and stop my healing, to stop me feeling better.  It now makes perfect sense why she never, not once apologised or acknowledged anything nor will she ever.  To do so may help my self worth or healing. The power and control is something I have only just understood.

I no longer need anything from her.  I no longer need to mix my stuff and her stuff.  Her not apologizing is all her.  My pain is mine and perhaps for the longest time I wanted my parent to help heal the pain of parental rejection but now I see really clearly, I can do that myself.  I can show myself self-compassion and love.

Often I've read that they don't know what they are doing or see reality differently or can't face it.  I have had doubts though because she would do it face to face but never in writing and rarely in front of anyone else.  If a person can change how they behave, to me this shows they show awareness of their actions.  So she can keep her apology, I no longer need or want it.  I have taken that power back.

I don't know if anyone can relate but I feel free from being entangled with her.

[Rebel13]

These are such great insights.  Thank you for sharing.

[Defiantdaughter1]

People with personality disorders aren't self aware enough to know they have done or said anything wrong. They truly believe the problem is other people instead of themselves. Some of them are very arrogant. My dad, who has a plethora of problems, has improved with age, but I'll never be able to live in the same house with him again. He denies or doesn't remember. Everything else can be justified, he believes. It's pointless and takes too much energy to make these people see the truth.

[bloomie]

I no longer need anything from her.  I no longer need to mix my stuff and her stuff.  Her not apologizing is all her.  My pain is mine and perhaps for the longest time I wanted my parent to help heal the pain of parental rejection but now I see really clearly, I can do that myself.  I can show myself self-compassion and love.

Wow! Powerful, life-changing cognitive shift you describe here, JLS. 

When we get to this level of knowing, or inner boundary work where we take back to ourselves everything bit of our experiences and how they are going to inform our choices and behaviors going forward, it is like a rebirth.

Putting aside our innate need for our caregivers to love us and engage with us, to make things right when they have gone wrong, to show tenderness and mercy, concern for us and the relationship is heavy lifting kind of recovery work.

We realize that, though it would've been pretty great to have these things in our lives with our parents, we no longer need them. Our emotional well being is no longer in the hands of anyone else. Especially one who would not handle our hearts with care.

Thank you for sharing this important shift and insights. I can relate to every single word! So grateful you have broken free!!!

[JLS]

Thanks Rebel, Defiantdaughter1 and Bloomie. Yes it does feel like breaking free, I don't have the same fear around them now.  However, I also recognize that the healing process doesn't really have an end date and that's ok.  I used to think there would be an end and I'd be healed but now I see it's just gradual change and every now and again something will pop up but I've learned new ways of managing my emotions and stress so as you say Bloomie my emotional well being isn't in the hands of someone else.