Being rejected in your career

[mary_poppins]

Hi, how is everyone here dealing with rejection? I'm talking about being rejected for jobs (I am looking for one right now) and side-career (I am a fiction writer and just sent some pieces for publication-got rejected)
Last night I saw the e-mail from the editor on my phone but didn't read it. Why? I thought I didn't wanna cry myself to sleep because I felt it would be a rejection letter.
I checked the email this morning and IT WAS a rejection letter.
On top of this, I get rejected for the jobs I want and for those I don't want, too. It feels like nothing is working for me lately.
---
Rejection feels bad due to how often I WAS rejected by my PD mother and father as a child. I remember it was on a daily basis. So I got used to this, so much so that I don't know what is the opposite of rejection. To win at something, to have success in life.  To be chosen.

I'm tired of trying so hard and not succeeding and I'm not getting any younger. How are you coping with rejection in general? Have you found something that works?

Mary

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think rejection feels bad to everyone, but yeah it's a double-whammy when rejection has been basically our default expectation throughout life. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time finding work right now. You're far from alone in that at present.

When I get down and feeling rejected, it does help to speak back to that, "I've never even known success," self-pitying kind of talk. Because I HAVE had success in life, even if I've never had a career. What is your definition of success first of all? Can you achieve it even if nobody else ever picks your manuscript for publication? I think so! What in your life are you proud of now or been proud of in the past? What steps can you take now to build on those successes? Maybe it's a story of yours you think is particularly good, but got rejected. Is there any helpful feedback in those rejection letters? Is there maybe a better market for it than where you've tried already?

I'm not trying to negate the frustration of needing to find a job. And certainly taking some time for self-care after another rejection makes sense. But I do think that there is power in looking at yourself through the lens of being your own biggest cheerleader. It feels weird, maybe, especially if like me you have a deeply internalized taboo against "tooting your own horn," or "getting a big head." Believe me, my self-esteem used to be LOW. I think that showed in interviews, and has hurt my prospects in the past.

You and I both come by it honestly. My parents never missed an opportunity to "put me in my place." But I have no intention of staying down. Basically I've gotten angry and I've turned that anger into fighting power. My life looks different than the career path I'd assumed I would take a young adult (that my parents chose for me). But I can see where the emotional energy from grief and anger got diverted into creative power, to stupendous and at times unexpected results. If I do say so myself.    I bet you can find a way to make a similar shift in your life. This has been the case for many artists of all kinds. And a LOT of artists get rejected! It doesn't really say much about the quality of their work or their talent, just that it's tough to break into that kind of work. You're doing a brave thing!

One more thing: Why are you applying for jobs you don't want? I think another reframe might be helpful here. If it's a job that would possibly pay your bills and be a stepping stone to a better job, then that sounds like a job you would want. If it's a job you feel nothing but relief when the rejection comes, maybe skip that help wanted ad next time. Shot in the dark, so ignore if it doesn't fit, but if you're showing up thinking you don't really want the job, that will show. You can respect yourself by choosing to think positively and optimistically about any opportunity you've chosen to pursue. Best wishes for the future, Mary!

[Rebel13]

Hi Mary, as usual, Cordelia has terrific advice!

I'm going to chime in on the micro level, because that's usually where I need the most help. After rejection -- actually, after many kinds of social interactions even if they DON'T involve rejection! -- I get, like, "shame attacks." A memory or thought about the experience kind of sneaks up on me, and I get a gut-punched kind of feeling, and a kind of electric shock-like sensation that travels over my body, and then that incredible sinking feeling in my stomach and chest, of shame. Do you get anything like that? For a long time it was pretty agonizing for me, and I didn't know how to cope with it. I'm learning, slowly, to talk back to it, using Pete Walker's ideas about dealing with emotional flashbacks. When it's really bad, and/or fresh, sometimes the best I can do is take deep breaths and tell myself, "It's OK," or "You're OK." Then, I try to remind myself that the acute phase won't last forever -- the attacks will become less frequent and less intense over time, and they do. Then I can use some other techniques.

During my second-to-last job search, I asked a couple of work friends for their opinion of my strengths -- and then, during bad moments, I had those lists to read to myself. In a good time, you can make a list for yourself to use like this, if you have the ability to identify and appreciate your strengths (still working on that too!).

During my last job search, I got a career coach, and she helped me a lot to approach the entire process of interviewing more proactively. Most importantly, she supported me to go into an interview with the mindset that I was interviewing THEM. That really helped dial down the breathless, insecure, panicky "pick me!" feeling. I was more able to observe people's patterns and interactions, and ask good questions, to figure out if I liked THEM and wanted to work with them; to get as much of a sense as I could of the workplace culture, and try to notice any red flags.

After the interview, I tried to think consciously about the whole interaction, instead of collapsing in exhaustion from the emotional stress overload. I thought about what I liked and didn't like about the people and the job description. I thought about what had gone well in my own performance, and what I would like to do differently -- were there questions I didn't anticipate? Times that I rattled on too long or trailed off without a definitive ending to a statement? Questions I wished I had asked? I made notes and filed all that stuff away for the next time.

With all of that ammo, the shame attacks were MUCH reduced, and much easier to deal with. I could answer those global "I suck!" thoughts with much more realistic, specific positive reframings -- "You did not suck, you answered X question really well, and described how you handled Y work situation very clearly. Remember how interviewer A smiled and nodded when you were talking about Z? AND, let's work on rewriting the answer to that one question that came out of nowhere so it doesn't surprise you next time." More like how a good, positive, helpful parent would talk to me about a situation like that.  LOL, wish I'd had that back then!

Overall, I can't recommend enough the work of Liz Ryan, particularly her older stuff on "mojo" and interview prep. Here's a good example:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/qualifications-important-mojo-key-your-success-liz-ryan/ .  She wasn't my career counselor, LOL, but she writes a lot about how to be self-referential in the job search process -- funny how that's a big thing we need to learn to do in so MANY areas of life after growing up with a difficult parent! I wish you a lot of luck in coping with this, it is NOT easy, but with work it has gotten easiER for me and I hope it will for you too.

[Rebel13]

Hi again! I came back to say, here is maybe some more content for positive self-talk when you have received a rejection. This is specific to job applications -- I'm sorry I don't have much experience with having creative work rejected.

Anyway, I have been on both sides of the job interview table multiple times. When I'm on the candidate side, EVERYTHING feels super personal. But I can tell you, from being on the other side: many, many times the hiring decision has very little to do with the characteristics of the candidates that AREN'T chosen.

For example, where I work, if there is an internal candidate who is AT ALL reasonable, that person is going to be chosen. You could be a LITERAL WIZARD and you aren't getting that job.

Another example is when someone has some kind of niche talent or experience. You could be a stronger candidate in most ways, but another applicant knows how to use the exact billing software the company uses, so they won't need training and will come up to speed faster.

If the hiring manager isn't the greatest, it could just be that they have an interest in common with one applicant, or they know someone in common, or the manager just liked their blazer better than yours.

That's not even mentioning discriminatory reasons. Discrimination is a real thing, it happens, and it's not your fault.

Sometimes the reasons are really, really subjective, even stupid, and if you've never been part of the hiring process, you wouldn't know that. Having seen things from the inside has helped me talk myself down better after not getting a particular job. You can tell yourself that it's very possible that the reason someone else was chosen over you was something you have no idea about and had no control over.

I hope that helps!

[notrightinthehead]

You received really good advice already. Just wanted to add something I heard on a podcast recently- a salesperson who makes cold calls said that they prepare themselves for the inevitable rejection by reframing it as "I am working on my tolerance for frustration ".

[mary_poppins]

@Call Me Cordelia
Thanks for your feedback. I agree and I don't have much to add to what you said. The letters did say something important-the editors enjoyed what I wrote but it was not a good fit for their magazine. I did some journaling after this and calmed down a bit.

[mary_poppins]

@Rebel 13 I get shame attacks, too. Did you come up with that term? It explains why the feeling is so overwhelming (I guess it's shame or humiliation). Idk if you had your parents shame you for doing something that made you feel good (example I would dance or write or draw and mom or dad would throw digs at me or say something mean about it.
And thanks for all the advice. Glad you have an easier time with the interviewing/job hunting process.

[mary_poppins]

Hi again! I came back to say, here is maybe some more content for positive self-talk when you have received a rejection. This is specific to job applications -- I'm sorry I don't have much experience with having creative work rejected.

Anyway, I have been on both sides of the job interview table multiple times. When I'm on the candidate side, EVERYTHING feels super personal. But I can tell you, from being on the other side: many, many times the hiring decision has very little to do with the characteristics of the candidates that AREN'T chosen.

For example, where I work, if there is an internal candidate who is AT ALL reasonable, that person is going to be chosen. You could be a LITERAL WIZARD and you aren't getting that job.

Another example is when someone has some kind of niche talent or experience. You could be a stronger candidate in most ways, but another applicant knows how to use the exact billing software the company uses, so they won't need training and will come up to speed faster.

If the hiring manager isn't the greatest, it could just be that they have an interest in common with one applicant, or they know someone in common, or the manager just liked their blazer better than yours.

That's not even mentioning discriminatory reasons. Discrimination is a real thing, it happens, and it's not your fault.

Sometimes the reasons are really, really subjective, even stupid, and if you've never been part of the hiring process, you wouldn't know that. Having seen things from the inside has helped me talk myself down better after not getting a particular job. You can tell yourself that it's very possible that the reason someone else was chosen over you was something you have no idea about and had no control over.

I hope that helps!

This is cool and it helps.

[Rebel13]

@Rebel 13 I get shame attacks, too. Did you come up with that term?

Not sure. I could very easily have heard/read it somewhere.

Idk if you had your parents shame you for doing something that made you feel good

Ha! My mom is the Queen of Shame and Head of the Gang of Joy Thieves. Although I know she has a lot of competition here.

[mary_poppins]

UPDATE: My work was finally accepted for publication by a magazine in California. YAY!! This proves that you should never give up when you want something really bad.

[Rebel13]

Oh congratulations! I hope you do lots of nice things for yourself to celebrate this success.

[mary_poppins]

Thank you so much, Rebel.

[frogjumpsout]

CONGRATULATIONS, Mary!