Never calls me but gets mad that I don't call

[TimetoHeal]

My uPD mother, who is on the elderly side now, absolutely will NEVER pick up the phone and call me.  But you'd better bet she is counting the days, hours, and minutes since I last called her.  I want to say, "The phone works both ways", and I think I have said that in the past.  But her excuse is something like, "Well, I know you're busy and I don't want to bother you.  You can call me".    Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she doesn't call me all the time.  But I find myself, the longer I go in between phone calls, dreading finally calling her, because I know I will get the guilt trip. 

[bloomie]

TimetoHeal - I know how frustrating it can be to try to establish even a reasonable level of reciprocity in initiating contact with an elder who is stuck in their view of 'how it should be' and shames when their expectations are not met. I am sorry the phone calls have taken this turn.

A couple of things came to mind...

Could you develop a few pat phrases to help you respond and redirect your mom when she complains and shames you? Example: "Well, I'm calling now, is this not a good time?" or "Well, that's not a fun way to start the conversation and here I am taking time out of my day to call you..." and change the subject to the weather or a new recipe you cooked?

Another thought would be to let your mom know at the end of the conversation it is her turn to call you next because that would be a nice change for you, and if it is not a good time you will tell her. Then you have to follow through and not call her first.

Just because she offers you a ticket on a guilt trip doesn't mean you have to punch it and take the ride.

You've got this!

[TimetoHeal]

Just because she offers you a ticket on a guilt trip doesn't mean you have to punch it and take the ride.

I love this quote so much!   

I love your idea of having some phrases ready!  I don't know why I haven't thought of that before!  Thank you so much, and I will try it next time!

[Catothecat]

My narc mother was like this.  Would almost never call because she never did the heavy lifting in a relationship and expected everyone else to come to her.  Then would complain how no one was in contact with her.  I always wanted to ask, what's wrong with you making the contact?  But I knew she wouldn't understand.

When I would call, she would start up with the guilt.  Eventually I realized that even if I called every single day (I live in another state) it still wouldn't be enough for her.  As a narc, she needed constant attention and none of my efforts were ever enough.  Finally, I just stopped listening when she would start up with the guilt.  I didn't respond, just waited until she was done then went on with the intended conversation. 

I don't know how your mother would respond to such an approach, but mine eventually learned to react to my silence by allowing the conversation to proceed and not get bogged down in who was supposed to call whom.  If she started up again, I would just go silent or say, oh? oh? and refuse to acknowledge what she was saying.  To do so would somehow validate it and that would only encourage her. 

[bloomie]

If she started up again, I would just go silent or say, oh? oh? and refuse to acknowledge what she was saying.  To do so would somehow validate it and that would only encourage her. 

Love this option Catothecat has suggested for you, TimetoHeal. Silence and refusing to engage in the shaming.

[moglow]

Familiar. And when I did try to share anything she talked over or disregarded me, and babbled inanities about the dog barking or a car turning around in her driveway. If I have nothing to say, I don't call. It's not like she's going to listen anyway. 

[Catothecat]

I am oh so familiar with that behavior, moglow.  It was like talking to a wall and I learned at an early age that almost nothing I said was being acknowledged or possibly even heard.  She would either interrupt as soon as she could get a word in, or listen and not comment and change the subject.

That indeed was one of the reasons I so seldom called her because I'd think, why?  Unless it was negative news on my part, she really didn't seem to care.  It was only as she got older and after my father died that I started calling regularly out of concern and a sense of duty, not that her behavior changed and suddenly we could have normal "talks".  It always hurt no matter how used I got to it because I felt I spent my entire life never being heard by my own mother.

[blacksheep7]

My uPD mother, who is on the elderly side now, absolutely will NEVER pick up the phone and call me.  But you'd better bet she is counting the days, hours, and minutes since I last called her.  I want to say, "The phone works both ways", and I think I have said that in the past.  But her excuse is something like, "Well, I know you're busy and I don't want to bother you.  You can call me".  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she doesn't call me all the time.  But I find myself, the longer I go in between phone calls, dreading finally calling her, because I know I will get the guilt trip. 

The eldery generation expect their children to call them, it's a generational thing.
The pds all have the same phrases, passive-aggressive remarks if you don't call as much as they would like.

My covert M's greeting was «no news is good news» every single time, for decades! Not «hello (my name) how are you?» I would call every two weeks by obligation.

I once asked her why she would say that and her reply was «well, you're the only one who doesn't like it».  Mind you, I never said I didn't like it even though it was a fact.  She knew damn well.

She would listen to half of what I said. I would sense her being else where, anything but attentive.

[TimetoHeal]

I don't know how your mother would respond to such an approach, but mine eventually learned to react to my silence by allowing the conversation to proceed and not get bogged down in who was supposed to call whom.  If she started up again, I would just go silent or say, oh? oh? and refuse to acknowledge what she was saying.  To do so would somehow validate it and that would only encourage her. 

Cat,
This is pretty much how I have been handling it lately.  I used to try and explain or have a short answer like, "Ive been so busy with work" or whatever.  I stopped doing that, and now just pause in silence and then carry on with the conversation.  Our last conversation, she worked it in to the middle of the conversation, which threw me for a loop.      LOL.  I'll try going silent again or saying "oh" with no emotion next time. 

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you Bloomie and Moglow!    Moglow and Cat:  Yes, I was just telling my therapist that when I talk to my mother, I could literally be any other person or even a brick wall.  It does not matter that it is ME there.  I am not really a person to her, just a place to trauma dump.  It leaves me feeling so icky, to put it mildly. 

Blacksheep, my mom has those "phrases" too.  Her favorite is "Do you still live in (city where we live)?" or "Oh, did you just get out of prison?".  What's just ridiculous is that she told me that her father used to use these exact same phrase on her, and it made her mad as hell.  Why do to your own children what your parents did to you that made you mad as hell?   

[Call Me Cordelia]

I used to get, "Well, hello, stranger!" or, "Well, it's good to hear your voice!" We'd talked about five days prior on average at that time.  There was no good response to that so I too just stopped taking the bait.

I don't believe it's just a generational thing. There are definitely parents of the same Boomer generation who annoy their kids by calling too often. PD and non. People of any age bracket can be equal opportunity annoying. Fortunately the toolbox is helpful for all the boundary-busting behaviors, whatever the reasons for they act that way.

[Rebel13]

But I find myself, the longer I go in between phone calls, dreading finally calling her, because I know I will get the guilt trip. 

Oh gosh, I so know how you feel! The guilt and the dread were major reasons behind me choosing no contact with my mom last year.