How to find help for the non BPD

[Mad Dog]

Hello everyone. By way of introduction I'm a 71 y/o married for 48 years. After extensive therapy for me and limited therapy for my spouse, I'm seeking advice and guidance for myself in dealing with a spouse with undiagnosed BPD. I say undiagnosed because after individual therapy for both of us, limited couple therapy, including 2 sessions with a therapist who specialized in high conflict couples. That therapist didn't last because after driving 45 minutes for a scheduled visit she forgot. This was enough for my uBPD wife to say enough. We had both signed consents for the therapists to collaborate with are sessions. My take away? After continuing with my individual therapist for several more visits and pressing for some answers, she steered me to "Quit Walking on Eggshells" which she said was recommended by a colleague. She wouldn't say who. After reading the book several times and visiting both Welcome to Oz and this website, I'm seeking help. My biggest need right now is finding a psychologist who can help me as a non BPD spouse with 3 grown dtrs. with families of their own. I have been told not to discuss my wife and their mother with my dtrs. I honestly don't know how to find someone. I have scrolled thru page after page of therapists on psychology today and just get frustrated. I have spent a small fortune over the years on therapy. The BPD has recently come into play, however my wife remains undiagnosed, primarily because she doesn't want therapy. As she stated, I am the problem. My eyes have been opened and I now need guidance in my life. I am having difficulty dealing with the overall situation, my self esteem, as well as help with my family. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for taking the time.
Mad Dog

[Rebel13]

Hi Mad Dog,

I'm so sorry you're in this tough spot. I hope you find someone who is helpful to you.

There is an article here about how to choose a therapist:  https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=87492.0

I have recently gotten back into therapy and I could so relate to your comments about having spent a small fortune on therapy in the past, and also scrolling in confusion through all the therapists on Psychology Today! Me too! I will tell you a little bit about how I found the person I just started working with. I've had three visits and I'm cautiously optimistic so far.

I started by trying to figure out what was important to me. You specifically mention a "psychologist" and if you meant someone with a MS or PhD in psychology, that's an important thing on your list. For me, it was important to find someone who was somewhat close to my age. The sex of the therapist was also important to me. I thought about whether I wanted to meet in person or online. Then, I thought about what was most important to me to work on, what I was having the most trouble with, and searched the Psychology Today list for people with experience in those areas. Trauma is a fast-growing area of specialization, and people who are trained in dealing with trauma seem to often have some knowledge of the dynamics of difficult relationships, which might be helpful to you. Or some other term might seem more important and more likely to match you with people who have the knowledge and experience to help you. You mention self-esteem and family difficulties, for example.

Once I identified someone, I set up a brief consultation and made a list of questions to ask.  Things like, "Do you have experience with ____?" and "You say in your profile you are trained in ____. Can you describe how you would work with someone on that topic/with that method in a therapy session?" and "Would you be comfortable helping me to _____?" or "...working on ____ with me?"  I also had in my mind an idea of what I would like the answers to be, what I wanted the person's attitude to be like, what kind of language I would want/not want to hear from them.

You can interview and even have some appointments with someone, and then switch to someone else if it's not working. I know it's a huge investment of time and energy, but if you've been in therapy as much as me, you know that the relationship is super important to what you can accomplish, and you really want to find the best match you can.

I wish you so much luck in your search and also in your work on yourself and your relationships.

[Mad Dog]

Thanks for you insight. I am seeing a therapist for the 1st time today. I'll try and post again later.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!
Have you read "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad?
Also - I found 12 step meetings for Co-Dependency CoDA very helpful.
Good luck on finding a suitable therapist!

[Mad Dog]

Thanks. I found a therapist I have started to work with. It seems like this journey will be never ending.