Struggling Tonight

[JustKeepTrying]

I'm struggling tonight. I felt I needed to turn to all of you who understand on a fundamental level what it is like to survive. I know I haven't posted in a long time but I needed to live outside it and I found that you take it take it with you. I tried to incorporate it; look at it with radical acceptance.  All of that. And it took one phone call to send me right back.


There have been severe repercussions from the divorce and my OCODex abuse. My autistic son dropped out of college and is in recovery for alcoholism. He began having flashbacks and confessed that he witnessed the physical abuse. One daughter's partner is like my ex and I have begun to see that dredded cycle. And I need to work with my ex to support them because I can not financially do it alone. And hearing him on the phone just set me back. Why did I ever think I loved him.

My winter was difficult. I was farther from my home base than ever before. Ran into a man vs bear situation and I had to leave for my own safety.  The bear is definitely safer. Left me shaking for weeks and I am still feeling it. I was sick and had to drive myself down a mountain road two hours to the er where I passed out in the parking lot. My rv needed massive work and I spent three weeks in a hotel. Not a good winter

But to count my blessings, I am back in my home state and waiting for another grandchild. I am dating and we spent a week together at the beach. He is in many ways like my ex. The similarities are stunning. But in the ways that count, he is not. In the ten months we've been seeing each other, he has encouraged my travel; no passive aggressive comments; wants to do his own thing and wants me to do mine; is kind and attentive.  Is this what healthy looks like?

As I sit here tonight, in the heat with a broken air conditioner, I can still hear my exs voice on the phone call. That rambling repetitive voice that just dominates the conversation and you can't get a word in and you end up doing the monosylable response to just end the call. It was a group call with my eldest and sil to discuss my son's treatment and payment. So he was on good behavior But when it ended I had to leave and just sit in my anger that came out of nowhere. Anger at him; at me; the situation and hating being pulled back into this mess. His mess. That he has never owned

I dream of just leaving. All of it. All of them. And starting over 

But it's a dream only. I feel a bit better. For sharing. And knowing you all will get it

[SonofThunder]

Hi JKT,

I'm sorry you have experienced such struggles and also for having to endure the hardships as a mom when unpleasant experiences happen to our children. There were some positive parts of your sharing and I am grateful you have found some joy in amongst the difficulty.  I wish you both happiness in your dating and also continued high radar as love-bombing is such a sinister period so a huge congrats for not rushing into any relationship.  Prayerful thoughts toward your current hardships and I'm glad that you dropped in for an update.  You are not alone and it is good to hear from you. 

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

 
Sending you a big hug. You are so brave and I admire your tenacity with the dating. Just continue to be cautious.

[JustKeepTrying]

thank you SOT and notright - i am doing better this morning. i found a place to land in this miserable heat wave so i am safe for the time being. as for the dating, we have been seeing each other since last September. there has been no love bombing and he encourages my travel and has joined me when he can. he is still working and not ready for retirement for a few years. so far it has been a relationship of do what you love and let's make time when we can - fully supporting each other's interests and friendships. feels very balanced and there has been no rush to do anything more. after my post the other night, i felt like i dropped the poison of the phone call and was able to step back into a life of gratitude. i have worked hard to build this life - it is very much like a well baked cake.  and he is only the icing.  Not needed but a very nice complement.  thank you both for allowing me to share the burdon.