I think I figured it out

[HowDidIGetHere]

This year I haven't been keen on celebrating my birthday or father's day.

I've never liked being the center of attention, but this year I spent those days feeling pretty down.

My wife tried to make both my birthday and Father's Day nice and low key at my request (as always). But I still end up feeling sad. And I think it's because it feels so disingenuous.

After the yelling, and name calling, and truly horrible things she's said to me, I can't help be think "what the hell? You're capable of being nice. So what the hell?"

And there's an element of "how dare you". How dare you care (or act like you care) on these days.

And I *know* you bought my gift on the day you called me names and yelled at me and called me a horrible husband and said. Will I ever be able to look at that gift and not think about that? I'm pretty good at forgiving (probably too good), but I normally don't forgot.

What the hell.

[SonofThunder]

Hello HowDidIGetHere,

In my experiences, married for three decades to a PDw and raised by a NPFf prior to marriage, the "disingenuous" is real.  In my opinion, it is all part of keeping the hamster wheel cycle going; the IDD cycle AND the drama triangle dance.  My opinion is the Karpman drama triangle roles are a cycle that fuels the larger IDD cycle (Idealization, Devaluation, Discard).  The cycle must continue for the PD to continue being supplied the fuel they need from the non, their emotional host.  PD's are like parasites; like a predator feeding on prey.  My PD's would push me right up to the edge and then pull me back with a gesture of kindness. On the Karpman triangle, that is the PD being the persecutor (insults and manipulation) and then switching to the rescuer (kindness, gifts), so they can ultimately land on victim (their ideal goal, making us non's the persecutor to provide them their victimhood).  PD's rotate around all three roles to keep confusion occurring and imo, it ultimately drives the larger/longer IDD cycle so that a relationship continues on for years/decades/lifetime. 

I believe you are correct in recognizing the "disingenuous", and as sad as it is, its wonderful that you see it for the truth. It's merely a tool to keep the cycle of abuse going for the PD, which is a fuel for the PD who cannot host their own emotions, so they feed off the non's emotions. If the PD doesn't spin the hamster wheel of these cycles, the prey will eventually run away, leaving the PD to face their truly empty self, which is unbearable.   

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

That's the nasty side of living with a person with a PD - we can no longer enjoy the good times because we are wary and on edge and wait for the other shoe to drop. And we are resentful and sometimes bitter even if they are being nice.

I often wished for a re-start button, hoping to forget all that happened before, but then, the good times never lasted long. The best you can do is work on yourself. Create your own happiness, be careful how you behave, give yourself compassion and kindness. And remember your worth is not determined by how others see you.

[IsleOfSong]

Man, I could have written the original post here myself. The whole "playing house" thing when it comes to birthdays and Father's Day... I dislike these celebrations as well, and I've come to realize that it's because I feel like a phony for going along with them when my wife can be so cold and uncaring to me (and more often these days, our son). But in my case, my wife loves to look publicly like the supportive spouse, so she's gonna do what she's gonna do when it comes to these celebrations, including lovey-dovey social media posts about me. It's not a great way for us to live.