Some hard won progress

[Sapling]

Hi all,

I haven't posted on here in a long while, but I wanted to share about how the results of working on myself have really started to show up in my life recently...
My backstory is: I came here a few years ago after a friendship breakdown resulted in the penny-drop we all know well. I had no idea what a PD was or how much my upbringing had primed me for relationships with people with these traits. Being on the boards helped make sense of so much of the confusing behaviour which had come to be my norm.

In the last 5-6 years I've been seeing a really great therapist. I've also spent the last 3 years in a 12-step program for adult children of dysfunctional families and continue to go to those meetings. Game changer.

About a year ago I ended a one-year relationship with someone who began to show PD traits coupled with high-functioning alcoholism. Though it was painful and sad, it wasn't the drama it would have been years ago. I kindly and respectfully broke up with them and when they came back 6 months later, I recognized and resisted the hoover. It was as if- to use the "frog in the pot" analogy- I simply felt the water was getting a bit warm and hopped out before any damage was done. Perhaps because I got out this way, I was able to work through my anger and disappointment and sadness, but harbour no ill-will towards this person (and of course they have moved on with someone else). In a weird way, being able to leave this relationship at the right time gave me hope that I can find someone more appropriate.

Recently uNPD sis had some tragic news in her life. I was able to offer some logistical support and limited emotional support from a safe, detached distance. I've read on the boards here that PDs can feed off tragedy because it provides them with so much of what they are looking for- chaos, drama, attention from well-meaning others. From the safe distance, suddenly her behaviour looks quite predictable. I still have moments of disappointment and hurt that we aren't as close as we used to be. But I recognise that she has a condition that is beyond my scope to deal with. I understand it is not about me.

I've spent a lot of my life being fixated on other people's addictions and dysfunction, trying to find the right combination of words/actions to get them to meet my needs. These two recent happenings are an indication of a huge shift for me. I just wanted to share my hard-won growth and newfound hope here.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this journey
There can be light at the end of these dark tunnels.

Sapling

[notrightinthehead]

What a wonderful update! Thank you for sharing this with us.

[SonofThunder]

What a wonderful update! Thank you for sharing this with us.

+1

A warm welcome back to Out of the FOG Sapling!  Great to have you drop by and best wishes for your continued progress!

SoT

[bloomie]

Oh, Sapling! How beautiful is your growth! Thank you for sharing with us and inspiring the whole community to keep moving forward!

Might be time to change your forum name to Tall Strong Tree! 

[xredshoesx]

sapling we are all so proud of you and your progress in the journey <3

[Sapling]

Thanks all! Your support has made such a difference.

PS. I still visit the toolbox regularly to keep myself sane and bolster my confidence in setting healthy boundaries.

Bloomie- Haha not quite the Tall Strong Tree! (yet) but I am getting there

It's a lifelong process for sure. Keep trucking my friends 

[mary_poppins]

Hi Sapling, this is great progress. Congratulations!