The Kitchen

[Queenfrog]

For several years I have acquiesced to being mostly barred from the use of my kitchen. My uPDh thinks I am too prone to damaging things, screwing up, etc. When I met him, I'd been doing all my own cooking - mostly from scratch - for about five years. I started learning as a child. I cook just fine. I'm not as careful as he is, nor am I perfect. And now I'm completely out of practice. Since we moved into our current place, I've used the stove only a handful of times.

When I last tried cooking, a pattern emerged. He wouldn't eat most of my food. (Admittedly, I was into authentic Indian spices at the time and some of them were challenging for him (devil's dung, anyone?). Plus, I only cook vegetarian and he's big on eating animal flesh.) A couple of times I hit on a recipe he liked. Then, it became a rigid thing where he would insist that I regularly cook that dish and only that dish. Until one or the other of us got tired of it. That's how my cooking petered out to nothing.

Now, I am restricted to assembling my own breakfast (with eggs he boiled) and grabbing snacks. Even that activity brings on criticism: how I shake the oat milk, how I hold things, what amount of force I use in opening or closing cupboards/drawers, how I put things in the fridge, etc.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to start cooking again. I haven't done anything about that until, because I am dreading all the conflict that's going to result.

I just announced that I'm going to be cooking at least one dish every Sunday evening and I'm open to requests for (vegetarian) dishes. He tried to talk me out of it but seems to be acquiescing. He said he won't eat any of it. Sure he's hoping I'll forget all about it.

I'll try to pick things he might enjoy, but I'm not going to play a losing game around that nor am I going to be tied to making the same thing over and over. I'll have to be poised for a quick exit from the apartment in case he crosses my boundaries (verbal abuse, etc.) Then I keep on doing it, no matter how the previous attempt failed.

He's very particular about his shopping and inventory management, so I'll probably need to buy whatever I plan to use - especially the fresh stuff.

Ugh. It's not going to be any fun. Still, I think it's worth the pain to regain some of my autonomous function in the home.

Anyone have similar experiences pushing back on controlling spouses? I'd be happy for some advice.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Not my spouse, but golly was my uOCPD father exactly like this! The everlasting nitpicking, control of all activities in the kitchen. My much younger sister and my mother suffered from it the most. I was grown and out of the house when this abusive behavior got much more extreme, and I stayed out of my house as much as possible and learned everything to do with cooking after I was grown. Once when I was visiting my (adult) sister was fixing herself microwave popcorn. When she left I asked my dad if he realized he criticized how she made popcorn five separate times? She used the wrong bowl, shut the microwave door too hard... Of course it was all her fault because she was completely incompetent and if he didn't manage things all the time no doubt she would burn the house down. And how dare I try to gang up on him, it's his house and he'll manage things as he sees fit. 

So yes, I do believe I understand where you're coming from with finding it easier to just not cook rather than deal with the nitpicking. That was how my mother and sister coped as well.

As PDs will follow patterns of behavior, I think it's safe to assume you are correct. Your reasserting your right to take up space and use your own kitchen for its intended purpose is going to escalate ALL the conflict.

Your uPDH will not take the loss of his control over you quietly. Are you prepared to stand your ground through the salvo? After salvo after salvo? If he makes it so horrible you need to leave in the middle of making your dinner what's your backup plan? What is the consequence?

I am so sorry you are having to fight for your right to freely exist in your own home. Making your own meals as an adult is pretty basic. You never agreed that he would control the kitchen. But I'm proud of you for your determination to break free of this particular dysfunctional pattern! It sure is a doozy. 

[Queenfrog]

Thanks, Cordelia. I appreciate the planning help! Your father does sound exactly like my hub. Poor guy: He's been too close to a couple of apartment fires in his lifetime, and I believe he started handling meals for himself and his no-good mom when he was still in grade school. There's known PTSD and OCD on top of whatever other anxiety and/or PD he suffers from.

I can turn everything off and walk out if I need to do that. I'm not going to continue if I'm under fire. Greenlight for me to enjoy dinner out (and order whatever I want!) If food needs to be put away, I'll tell him I can do that when I return. In fact, I should probably plan to leave if he starts to get angry or upset, even if he's avoiding insults or abuse. I'm honestly not trying to make either one of us suffer. The key is to try again the next week and not let the unpleasantness stop me. Maybe the added cost of me eating dinner out once a week will motivate him to be more cooperative!

He said he would insist on supervising the first time, which is obviously a delicate matter. It's not like I actually need any instruction or help of any kind. I've patiently listened to his instructions about things in the past and they can be pretty unhinged (like how to open and close the washer door). Still, since I've allowed it to be entirely HIS kitchen for so long, I can tolerate a bit of that. Gotta remember that I co-created this situation. Be compassionate, let him run through his script, don't JADE about anything, and proceed.

I might state in advance that he needs to stay completely hands off - of both me and the kitchen - or I'm out of there. I try not to do ultimatums like that, but we need some ground rules.

I'll start with something simple. Pasta or something. We'll see how it goes if (when) I don't try to do every little thing exactly his way . . . .

Next up: Opening and closing the balcony door!

[SeaBreeze]

Dig around on Out of the FOG and you will find the kitchen is a very common battleground for quite a few of us here. Between cooking, cleaning, organization, food preferences, and simply sharing space, the kitchen is a hotspot for PD nitpicking, control, and more. So much that I feel "The Kitchen" could be its own sub-forum here?! *Laughing but not laughing*

Several of mine and stbx uNPD/OCPDh's arguments started in the kitchen. Even when I cooked in there myself, stbx would inevitably go in there afterward to complain about the smell of an ingredient he disliked, a spot of grease overlooked on the stove, a pan I left to soak in the sink, the utensil he couldn't find after I unloaded the dishwasher... Or he would come in and start "helping", then complain if I got in his way?

Since leaving stbx, one thing my adult kids and I enjoy in my apartment is the fact we can cook and just hang out together in the kitchen and it's FUN!!!

Best of luck to you in reclaiming some space and control, not only in your kitchen but in your home, your relationship,  and your life. Put on an apron, break out the cookbook, put boundaries in place,  and just enjoy yourself!

[notrightinthehead]

I am just here to cheer you on. So exciting to learn about your progress!

[IsleOfSong]

This thread is ringing many bells. If it can be controlled, there will be an attempt to do so! Driving, of course, is another hot-button control area for those of us married to PDs. Anyway, try not to absorb his poisonous "help," and exit immediately if your time in the kitchen ceases to be fun!

[Queenfrog]

This morning when assembling my breakfast, I was corrected on how to wrap the half-avocado (he re-wrapped it), where to set my tea cup, and where to peel the egg. At least I was able to make the toast without incident lol. 

I have tentatively selected a simple pasta recipe for Sunday, using only ingredients that he frequently uses. Very similar to how he cooks, except I'll be marinating and baking some tofu and I'm going to follow the techniques in the recipe.

Also, I'm being careful not to do anything too out of the ordinary or push any other agendas between now and Sunday. He is such a delicate flower!

I know you are all on the edge of your seats to see how it goes.

[Cascade]

My PDhusband does not try to control things in our kitchen, but he does other things that I suspect are PD related. For instance, he's been arriving home from work an hour or two before we normally eat dinner, and he is so hungry or impatient that he makes himself something to eat, even if I've already started making something. This "snack" is as large as a full meal, so then skips eating the meal I made. He also eats far more than his fair share of any treats or deserts.

[Queenfrog]

So this morning, I announced that I was about to make my breakfast. He was in/around the kitchen, so I gave him the heads-up. He responded with something like "Don't break anything. Watch what you're doing. Do things right. No shortcuts. Wash your hands." (That last one is funny because I wash my hands frequently and thoroughly, and he doesn't.) I'm really not in a mood to be spoken to like that. Reminder: I'm a mature and competent adult.

I work from home sometimes and in the office sometimes. I have a super easy commute and a comfortable office. I was planning to head into the office after lunch anyway, because it's Thursday. So instead of arguing (no JADE!) I started preparing to leave. He vehemently criticized my choice of clothing. I left, picked up some breakfast at a nearby coffee shop, and now I'm in the office. Looking forward to a peaceful and quiet morning without drama or chaos. I could get used to this.

He thinks I exited because of the thing about my clothes, but it started with the thing about the kitchen. I'm not even inclined to explain it to him (no JADE!)  He's calling and texting, upset partly because I'll be buying two meals out. He doesn't consider that's a lot cheaper than my renting an apartment and moving out.

[square]

10/10 pro boundaries anti JADE mode.

[IsleOfSong]

Well done, Queenfrog. And spousal support is more expensive than two meals out, too.

[Rebel13]

Hi Queenfrog, just wondering how things are going with your desire to have reasonable use of the kitchen and set boundaries? I hope you're doing well!

[Queenfrog]

I'm baaack! I went quiet on the boards for a time, especially after I postponed my plan to cook something in the kitchen after years of being banned by my uOCPDh.

Now I'm planning to cook a vegetable dish for the family Thanksgiving. Yesterday, I told my spouse about this plan. He initially said no way, but he backed down immediately when I insisted. Now he wants to pick up the ingredients for me at the store. He's the only one of us who goes to the grocery store, which is mostly due to his COVID concerns. (His COVID concerns still rule our lives, but that's another topic for another day.) I will allow that. Next, I will choose a recipe and give him the list of ingredients. I already warned him that There May Be Butter, thus opening the door to other ingredients that he frowns upon. So far, so good. Baby steps.


I've continued to read all your posts and been inspired by the strength, wisdom and resilience that I see in this forum. I'm hoping that this time around I can post about my own follow-through. My spouse seems to have mellowed a bit. He's been self-medicating with CBD and I think it's helping. Time will tell.

[Queenfrog]

Update: I cooked avegetable dish today and it went well! I was very worried that my uPDh, who controls the kitchen with an iron fist, would be unable to stand by and watch me operate the range or use a hot pan, and there would be a big blowout. There wasn't. As I planned and expected, he was full of tips about how to cut the vegetables, how to use the pan, how to use the range, etc. etc. They were offered in a positive and supportive way, though. I kept having to tell him to give me some space and I could see he was trying to honor that. This was not easy for him. He did move in and work with the pan a couple of times, and he also did some of the measuring, pulling together supplies, etc. All in all though, he did great and I told him so. He even complimented my work a couple of times. I am encouraged about doing more cooking in the future.

Phew! It took me a few months to get up the courage to follow through on this, but I also think it helped that he had some time to get used to the idea.

Next up in reclaiming some of my power at home: Purchasing a chair for the balcony and using the balcony door. Not a rush - it won't be warm enough to hang out there for a few months now.

[MaxedOut]

Excellent update Queenfrog! I appreciate you sharing specific ways you worked/planned for success and approached with a mindset calibrated towards his range of responses.

And, LOL, the patterns with PD folks - upvote for pinned threads like:

• The Kitchen
• The Car
• The Holidays

[square]

I love how you both seemed to be supportive of each other. His actions are, shall we say annoying, but you practiced acceptance of his limitations and he seemed to give this venture his best effort. Great work from both of you.