enF health failing - used as bait

[RebelYelll]

Wise ones,

I've not posted in a while, but I lurk, absorbing the kindness and wisdom on the Boards.

I have been VVVLC with enF for about 2.5 years now, we exchange cards with a brief message (always the same) at birthdays and Christmas.  He is otherwise blocked on all channels.  He did send a letter once but, after a great deal of thought, I did not reply.  I didn't want to set a precedent and become scared of the letterbox.

His health is failing now.  I know this because enSis keeps me informed.  In between times she is telling me how awful he is and how his UNPDSO 'needs time out'.  They gang up on him.  He had to move out to a motel for a week to 'work on things'.

His health problems are another stick to beat him with.  He doesn't go out any more.  He is not perfect but nobody deserves to be treated like that.  And I cannot help him, because the mire in which he lives is just too toxic.

We used to have a great relationship: some years ago prior to his current relationship I would not have believed that we'd be where we are today.

If things were normal, I'd be supporting him, visiting, taking him out, taking an interest.  But I really don't want to and I feel bad about that.  I want nothing to do with any of it, with the pair of them or with him.  And there will be those who will judge me for doing what I have to do for my own health, when of course I would be there for him, were it possible for me.

When we were still in touch and I refused to come into their house or engage with his wife, he used to ask me if I'd be coming to his funeral.  What a sick question.  I used to wish he would get on and die so I wouldn't have to do the fortnightly duty calls and have him ask me, over and over, to speak to his wife, or whip out a nasty remark that he knew would hurt.  Which was sick of me, too.  I stated a boundary that I would end the conversation if he asked me to speak to her and, when that didn't work, it escalated to ending the visit.  So then he would just wait until the end of the visit to ask so it wouldn't matter if I left.  My life is so much better now we are cards only.

This behavior was purely because of his miserable home life – passing on the misery as someone on here put it - but it did throw into stark relief his character flaws.

So I guess I'm after insight on how to deal with the conflict of feeling I ought to want to be there now his health is failing, but I really don't.

[bloomie]

RebelYelll - thank you for sharing a bit of this terrible double bind you find yourself in with an ailing and vulnerable parent who has made a bed of sticks and stones and now is lying in it. So hard to see all of this happening. I am very sorry!

What is yours to do in all of this? That is where I start out with these hard situations.

If your father is being physically abused, neglected and mistreated you can make a report to adult protective services or similar in your father's neck of the woods. If his safety is at risk then it would take highly trained professionals to intervene and work through the options.

Has your father asked for you help and intervene in his living situation? Does your father communicate with you directly about his SO's and your sister's treatment of him? Do you have another outside source that could verify what is going on? 

I ask these questions because, living at a distance, and not actually seeing him in person or speaking on the phone, makes it hard to know the veracity of these claims and how serious this all is.

No matter what your LOC with your father, sister, father's SO, this is going to be hard, right? As described, it is a dysfunctional and unhealthy dynamic for you to be too close to.

When we step away from this kind of toxic relational pattern in our FOO inevitably health crises, financial difficulties, tragedies and even death come up. And when they do, it can do a number on our peace of mind and faith in the decisions we have been forced to make to distance ourselves, leading to self doubt.

From my own experience, there will always be deep sadness when someone we love, who is not safe to be close to and hands on with, is suffering. The reality seems to be that your father is not healthy enough or trustworthy enough to be a good enough parent to you. 

How tender your heart is to him in spite of that. That's beautiful to hear and inspiring to see your resolve to not go back into a closer relationship with him and the rest for your own good.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Rebel - Sending my support to you. I like what Bloomie has posted. 

I take a deep breath reading what you are experiencing as I have been dealing with similar the last few months. If it helps, you are not alone. 
 
You state you cannot help him because the mire in which he lives is just too toxic. That seems like a very good clarifying statement. I see your boundaries in that. I see someone who has acknowledged dynamics that perhaps have had impacts on you personally. In spite of all that, you (we) still feel love. I think boundaries are not based in lack of love, but instead come from self-preservation. 
 
You say your life is better being on a cards-only communication basis. That is fine. It tells me your boundaries are serving you well.

I personally assume as parents become ill we may continue to feel the bind of what we "should do" as they become more vulnerable. I think it is OK just to acknowledge the feelings, but not take action on them. My thoughts are to keep your own wellbeing a priority. I know it is one of the hardest things. Sometimes however our parent has indeed made a bed of sticks and stones and is now living a life they created by their own hand.
         
(BTW, I say this as a daughter who did step in to move parents to Assisted Living as their conditions at home became unsafe. The "unsafe" factor in their life was what drew me back. I have since stepped back to VVVLC. However, those few weeks of contact really took a toll.)     

[SaintBlackSheep]

If things were normal, I'd be supporting him, visiting, taking him out, taking an interest.  But I really don't want to and I feel bad about that.  I want nothing to do with any of it, with the pair of them or with him.  And there will be those who will judge me for doing what I have to do for my own health, when of course I would be there for him, were it possible for me.

This is my life right now with my nMom and enDad. My mom has dementia and needs help. I am their only kid and only non geriatric relative. I moved a day's drive away as a very young adult to leave their toxic insanity behind, but I still love them. I think what's been so hard for me, and what might be the case for you too (maybe) is that we WANT the type of familial relationships where we'd be there for those who needed us and they'd be there for us too. For years, I fell into the trap of thinking if only I'd be a "good" daughter, I'd have "good" parents. But I can't even get parents who are reasonably decent. I can't even get them to behave with basic courtesy a stranger would receive. No amount of "good" behavior, being there, supporting them, using my few vacation days to drive up there for their MANY medical "emergencies" will ever be enough to get them to treat me with basic decency. It took a combination of my teen daughter getting old enough to see what was happening and telling me they don't deserve me, in addition to physical health problems that were brought on by toxic levels of stress, to get me to see that I can never earn their love because they are incapable of truly loving anyone including themselves or each other. So, for what it's worth, here's my permission for you to put your needs first, because someone has to. Hugs!

[RebelYelll]

Thank you for your kind and wise replies, as always.

Dear Bloomie,

I have considered reporting a safeguarding concern on many occasions, and sought a professional opinion, but enF is where he is by choice and without his asking for help or admitting the abuse, nothing can be done.  As far as I know no physical violence has taken place, though he admitted to me once on direct questioning that it had been threatened in the past, though I've not had direct contact for some time now so would not know.  I am realistic that there is absolutely nothing I can do about the situation.

I know enough of the MO of his UNPDSO prior to VVVVLC to guess what is going on, and there are patterns and indicators in what enSis says - which is likely embellished - but whatever, I want no part in the dance.  I don't know of anyone who can independently verify what is occurring as I don't think anyone else has been exposed to it apart from enSis.

I imagine I will go to the hospital to see him when the time comes; I don't think I could live with not doing that.  As for the funeral, at the moment I think I might not go to that because it would really not be good for me, but who knows what one will feel in the throes of grief. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Dear Blueberry,

It is indeed his choice, not mine, to live like that and it helps to remember that. 

I read your updates regarding your parents.  It was noble of you to intervene even knowing there would be a cost to your own health.  Enjoy the peace.

Dear SaintBlackSheep,

I am sorry to hear of your difficulties with your own parents' failing health.  At least I have enSis to take the flak and keep me informed of any health issues.  It's odd that however much one does, it's never quite enough, or not quite right, or you should have done something else or what you did do was only what would have been expected...  How wonderful that your daughter is aware enough to highlight to you the dysfunction!

I am lucky that I have a partner who is realistic about the situation and totally supportive of my decisions to protect myself – I get lots of hugs from them.

Best wishes, all.