Ostracized by family cult patriarch uNPD cousin

[Unbroken1]

Hi everyone - it's been a while since I posted here, but I've had such a bizarre experience with my maternal cousin that I have to get it out so I don't continue to ruminate. I apologize for the length of this post - but the experience I had with this person is the most bonkers I've ever experienced and the resulting cognitive dissonance is an itch I just gotta scratch.

I was married to a uNPD (covert, communal variety) woman for 14 years out of a 23 year relationship. Her final discard was abrupt, brutal, and vindictive, both emotionally and financially. After the divorce, I had to get away from the NYC metro area town we lived in, so I wouldn't have to be around her and our mutual (former) friends who bought into the false narrative she spread about my failings as a husband because my "anger" issues (ie, reactive abuse provoked by her 2 decades' worth of invalidation).

Anyway. I have no family to speak of besides cousins. No brothers, sisters, or children. I grew up in Texas, and after living on the East Coast for 25 years, there was no way I was going back, not the least because of the repressive political and social climate there. My dad's side of the family lives there and since discovering the concept of the narcissistic family cult, I've realized that I am largely invisible to that side of the family. I attended a wedding of my second cousin last year and was confirmed in this all over again during the two days I was there.

My other family, my mom's side, lives in the Seattle area. Naively, I thought that being close to that side of the family would be welcomed, so I packed up and moved 3000 miles to be near. How wrong I was. My male cousin, same age as me (67), has evolved into the patriarch of the family. Until I relocated, our relationship was cordial but now I recognize him as the scapegoat of the family. His older brother appears to have been raised as the golden child. He is mommy-enmeshed, and has become the caretaker for my aunt, who is now 92. His birth father died in a plane crash when he was 4, and in the mid-60s, my aunt married a widower with 4 older kids. Her second husband was an emotionally manipulative, severely abusive alcoholic, which was a family secret all my life until I moved here. My cousin is the youngest, with an older brother by a few years (who is the grandiose counterpart to his younger brother). On top of that, their older sister was killed in an horse riding accident at the age of 12. Lots of family tragedy to go around.

After moving to the area, I was welcomed to family gatherings like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Fine with me. It meant that I was just far enough away that I could be with them, but not close enough that I would become my youngest cousin's go-to for being the emotional dumping ground for his many victim-posture grievances. One night, I witnessed him instigate a full-blown rage tantrum when we were out to dinner. As we strolled the area after leaving the restaurant, he stopped to monologue at a shop clerk, and his wife and daughter just continued on their way without waiting for him. Several minutes later, he caught up with us and had a public hissy fit, loudly yelling and whining about how unfair they were being, they always ganged up on him, etc etc. I was shocked that he would do that, and realized from their reaction that they had been through this before. My eyes were now open to what I began to suspect was a highly toxic individual.

A short time later, my fave Texas cousin and his wife came to visit (also both high on the NPD spectrum, I now understand, with a high sense of entitlement, and major freeloaders). I belatedly realized they were getting a cheap vaycay by inviting themselves to stay with me. But I digress.

I thought that introducing my Texas cousin and wife to my Seattle cousin and family would be a nice part of their trip, so I emailed my aunt to ask if she would be interested in joining us for dinner with her son and his wife, and that hopefully my cousin, who is a huge snob about food and wine (I think the latter is a mask for his own alcoholism), would be able to suggest a restaurant, not too fancy or touristy, but acceptable, without too much drama. BIG mistake.

I didn't know it at the time, but my cousin monitors my aunt's email. As an IT guy, he set up her account (and phone too) so that he could spy on whatever she was communicating to anyone outside the family. So the evening out was destined to fail from the get go. My cousin arrived late (he and his wife are chronically late to everything), and even before he sat down at the table, starting making passive aggressive comments out loud about me to everyone at the table. I tossed them right back and said out loud that I didn't appreciate what he was saying. As we left, and my cousin had gone to retrieve his car, I remarked to my aunt that it was unfortunate her son had decided to behave like a jerk.

What happened after that was related to me later by my aunt. On the drive home that evening my cousin erupted into a volcanic rage and took it out on her and his wife in the car. My aunt said in all her life, she had never witnessed that level of anger from him. Now I feel like I'm partly culpable for having placed them at risk from someone who was also likely pretty inebriated by that point, simply for triggering him by refusing to accept his attempts to verbally and emotionally intimidate me. But I suspect my aunt may be in the habit of provoking him herself, since my mother used to do the same with me. Family dysfunction, amirite?

Maybe that was the trigger. Or maybe it was something else I said that evening which he found offensive, because a few days later, I got a call from his step-brother (youngest of the 4 step-siblings) who wanted to let me know just how upset my cousin was about whatever it was that I had said. Flying monkey enter stage left. Fortunately I could see what was going on and refused to buy into the implied threats that unless I apologized, there would be BIG TROUBLE. I said that my cousin could get directly in touch if he needed to talk and made it pretty clear that I did not appreciate the attempts to emotionally extort an apology for an unnamed offense.

This was in fall of 2019. That year I was invited to Christmas dinner by my aunt - over the objections of my cousin - who apparently had decided that I was to be banned from any more family events. I appreciate my aunt's compassion, but I also have to recognize that she is culpable in the creation of this extremely wounded, but malignant individual. Her excuse for him is that her now-deceased second husband emotionally abused him in his adolescence. And also that her son takes care of paying all her bills etc. and that she really can't blame him for his behavior. But she does recognize the evolution of someone who once had a gentle, kind nature into the rage beast he has become. But she doesn't understand the personality shift and radical change to this new version of him.

That was the last invitation I received to a family event. The pandemic hit a few months later. During that time I did not hear anything from my aunt, and did not for 4 more years. TBH I didn't know if she was even still alive, and would periodically search online for her obit since I know that is probably the only way I'll ever find out if she passes.

In 2023 I got a text from my cousin. It was a tentative attempt to get back in touch (can you say Hoover?), and I imagine my aunt and his wife were pressuring him to reach out. I ignored it. A few days later, the step-brother flying monkey texted and wanted to know if I would join the family for Easter. I replied that sorry, already had plans, regrets etc.

Fast-forward a year. An email from my cousin. A mealy-mouthed apology. Saying he was "mostly" at fault for our "misunderstanding" and can't we just let bygones by bygones? OK so by this point 5 years have passed. I had lost hope by then that I would ever have any type of authentic relationship with him, and now I was royally pissed at the casual chutzpah that he would try to weasel out of taking responsibility for his own behavior. I emailed back and let him know that I rejected his attempt to hold me responsible for the mystery offense, and set boundaries over what I would not accept. I also called him out on the fact that he banned me from the family, and for good measure, cc'd my aunt and his wife on that reply. You know, since he felt the need to drag his step-brother into our personal business, turnabout is fair play, no? Shine some light on that behavior.

I did get an email back from my aunt which affirmed my statements ("Well said!") and that she loved me and would stay in touch regardless of his attempt to control our relationship. I emailed her back to say the same and that there was no reason we could not get together, just the two of us. I also told her that his behavior was emotionally abusive, incredibly unhealthy and mentioned a couple of other things about his behavior that I found to be weird.

Remember, at this point I still didn't know that he could read everything I was emailing my aunt, who neglected to tell me that little fact. But the next (lengthy, blame-shifting) email I got was from his wife, who angrily justified his behavior, blaming it on his having to care for my aunt, how she had become problematic in her old age, was causing stress as her caregiver, excuses ad nauseum and so on. She even implied I was lying about a statement he had previously made to me - which I had related to my aunt as yet another example of bizarre behavior on his part.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. I realize now that I was caught up in narcissistic family cult dynamics. Whatever relationship I thought I had with this part of my family is destroyed. I have absolutely no interest in going back there, and TBH I believe my aunt is sincere in wanting to see me again but I know she won't initiate anything and I don't know if she is able to escape her son's extremely controlling grip since he's established a paranoid surveillance state around her. I even called WA state Family Protective Services to gilet them know I am concerned for my aunt's welfare. Unfortunately I have no hard evidence of elder abuse so it's unlikely anything will be done.

Thus endeth the tragedy. Hope anyone reading this can learn from my mistake.

Peace out.

[bloomie]

Unbroken1 - welcome back. I am thankful you reached out, yet so sorry for this awful experience with extended family when you were hoping for connection with them.

You seem to have a good grasp of how toxic all of this is and are wisely keeping yourself out of the line of fire, so to speak. Doesn't make it any less painful, though!

Do you think you will reach out again to your aunt and see her? If so, are her other avenues of communication monitored as well as her email?

Most of all I hope getting this out here in a community of fellow travelers will bring some peace and the support you deserve as you process all of this!