One More Loss

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I've written here before about how having a uNPD marrying into the family decimated my FOC.  I still find it jaw dropping, the power of one determined, extremely controlling, abusive person to rip things apart.

That loss was staggering and I'm not over it yet.   But I've had a handful of very close friends I really appreciate. And one family member who remained the closest and shared important times and holidays with me. 

That person has had to move far away and there will be little contact because of cognitive decline.  I'm very sad and miss them terribly. 

Every loss brings back the huge loss of FOC from a few years ago. It was like an abduction or something -- such an unnatural separation of people who each expressed their strong desire to join, have fun and be close together.  It could not be allowed to continue because it threatened the PDs sense of domination & control.

I guess I still have trouble coming to terms with it because I believe people who love and enjoy each other should be able to come together; that I, and all of us, are being denied something wrongly.   It's hard for me to think how to frame it in a positive, or even neutral, way.  Have any of you had success doing this?   How did you  end up framing it in your mind?

[Breadroll]

This also a situation in my FOO. It's devastating - and sorry you are also in this position.
The older member with cognitive decline that you miss, I understand too.

I go through phases of acceptance , and then grieve the loss of what could have been. Try to be thankful for what remains, and maintain friendly  links with younger members.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, Breadroll.  I'm sorry for your devastation and grief.

FOO is virtually gone.  One with dementia recently having to move, parents dead and others VLC.  It is the next gen FOC that is the recent years' loss that has been so shocking and heartbreaking.  My heart and my door stay open.  But PD's can make the price of connecting with others so high, I'm not expecting anyone to buck that.

My PDex, while we were still together, did the very same thing - tried to obliterate my relationships with my FOC and friends.   I didn't cave quite as easily, but of course I paid dearly for that.  This all reminds me of how fortunate I am to have broken free from him.  It was a very hard thing to do and took a few tries.  But I don't live under that kind of tyranny anymore and I am incredibly thankful!

I relate to what you call the "phases of acceptance."  This recent loss of the one family member I have shared holidays, etc. with has brought its own grief and with it the other grief, too.  It's a process and when it's a huge loss I guess it just takes a lot of time. Thank God for close friends!  Good luck and blessings with your situation, as well.

[notrightinthehead]

I am sorry for your losses. 
Personally, I chose another route in my family - I use the strategies of the Toolbox and treat the person with PD politely and respectfully but mostly with medium chill. Luckily this does not provoke her enough so that I can remain in contact with the other members - so far.

Ultimately we all have to do what best ensures our mental health and happiness. And only you can best judge what that means for you.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, NRITH.  I hope your "never provoke" method continues to work for you so you can enjoy your family.

That worked for me for some years, too.  Thinking back, I can't remember a single time I've ever spoken up on behalf of myself to this person, ever.  I just consider the source and figure the uNPD can't really do any better.  Having grown up with a PD parent, I've always known that trying to appeal to their sense of decency is useless at best.  The doubling down, "You're going to pay for that!!,"  the "Oh, you didn't like that? Now I'll do 10 times worse!" reactions are very familiar to me.

It all worked until I saw the young, vulnerable ones being targeted for exclusion from the family or things much worse than that.  I knew I'd pay for it, but I couldn't remain silent.  My communications were respectful,  not adversarial.  I even consulted with my PD-experienced T beforehand for advice.  I knew I might be completely cut off, unable to have any contact with any of that family ever again. Instead I was just mostly cut off.  I suppose I can be grateful for that.

I never speak up unless the situation is dire for the vulnerable one and my T also believes it's too egregious to be silent about, so it's only been a handful of times.  I've swallowed it hundreds of other times when I saw someone being hurt. Watching them hurt your loved ones can be torturous.  Especially when they're children.

[mary_poppins]

I'm sorry for your loss.
I hope I got this post, so you're referring to having to lose people in our extended family due to being away or going no contact with our PD parents?
For me, no contact instantly brings a cut off from other family members as well (two brothers) and relatives. I have a younger cousin and an older one who I hope to stay in touch with after NC. But knowing how powerful my PDs are, they will probably be brainwashed with hpw terrible of a person I am and will lose them later on. I have already made my peace with it. It is the 'price' I need to pay to have freedom from abuse. It is a high price but it is what it is.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry for your collateral losses, Mary Poppins.  I didn't initiate NC or LC in this case, but I can see how it's very similar.  I guess anyone in a narc's circle has to choose sides if the narc decides someone should be blackballed.