Replacing their children

Mathilda · June 30, 2024, 05:38:12 AM

When I was 10 years old, there was a girl, J., on my sports team that my mother particularly liked. She lived only a few blocks away from us, so when we had a competition my mom would drive both of us to the sports field. My mom was also a volunteer at the sports club, she would make tea for the whole team to drink during the match break and she was our coach for a few months (which was horrible, thank god it was only a temporary job because our coach fell ill but recovered).
During the car rides my mom always chatted cheerfully with J. while never paying any attention to me, during the breaks J. would help my mom making tea and after the game they were together on the sports field. Anyone who didn't know any better would have thought J. was mom's daughter. I can remember feeling very sad, lonely and confused. A little while later I had to stop playing on the sports team due to a knee injury, mom stopped being a volunteer and I forgot about J.

But there were others. Female friends, only slightly older than me. She befriended a whole family, celebrated Christmas with them (oh yes, I was invited too) and placed pictures of their young children on the cabinet.

I used to call these mom's "surrogate" daughters, and it did feel like she tried to replace me, but at the same time that seemed so off to me. We all know you can't replace your own flesh and blood. And maybe I was just jealous.

Last week I came across this article on the internet, seems maybe I wasn't so off after all.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202109/5-reasons-narcissistic-parents-replace-their-children

xredshoesx · June 30, 2024, 09:15:26 AM

gentle hugs mathilda- my mother did this too- she seemed to prefer kids about 12-13 who she could enthrall with whatever she told them.

one of the episodes is still very clear in my mind. I must of been 20-21, working in a gas station and we had been back in contact again due to a series of unfortunate events that started with me being in the hospital for an allergic reaction to meds and then ending up moving back with her and her parents. anyways, I was at work and she came hot rodding in blasting her music (at the time it had switched from lite rock/smooth jazz to straight 70/80s metal) with the son of one of her coworkers who was 11-12. he was wearing her turquoise ring that I had admired and coveted for YEARS and she would never let me see it/wear it. it cut me to my core and I think that was when I really started thinking about trying to get out and on my own again.

Rebel13 · June 30, 2024, 04:31:41 PM

My mom did this too. She was a teacher so she had lots of candidates. She preferred kids in the age group she taught, and kids from troubled homes. Her explanation always was "I want them to see what a loving home is like." Bwahahahahahahahahah.

Mathilda, your story reminded me of this video from Ingrid Clayton about the silent treatment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VofrCehgZQ Maybe your mom talking to J. and ignoring you wasn't the silent treatment, per se, but my mom also did this all the time, carrying on conversations with others and ignoring me. It was usually such a relief to not be the focus of her critical attention that I'm not sure I noticed it or felt hurt by it as a kid (vs. when she would explicitly freeze me out when she was angry with me for something), but she did it last year when I saw her for the first time in a long time, and it's part of what made me decide to go no contact with her, finally. Now she can talk to whoever she wants, whenever she wants -- just not me.

Mathilda · July 01, 2024, 12:52:15 PM

Quote from: xredshoesx on June 30, 2024, 09:15:26 AMI was at work and she came hot rodding in blasting her music (at the time it had switched from lite rock/smooth jazz to straight 70/80s metal) with the son of one of her coworkers who was 11-12. he was wearing her turquoise ring that I had admired and coveted for YEARS and she would never let me see it/wear it. it cut me to my core and I think that was when I really started thinking about trying to get out and on my own again.

How awful of her to give a ring that meant so much to you to the son of her coworker! I'm sorry she did that to you. I understand how hurtful that must have been. I totally get why you wanted to get away after that happened!

Mathilda · July 01, 2024, 01:00:48 PM

Quote from: Rebel13 on June 30, 2024, 04:31:41 PMMathilda, your story reminded me of this video from Ingrid Clayton about the silent treatment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VofrCehgZQ Maybe your mom talking to J. and ignoring you wasn't the silent treatment, per se, but my mom also did this all the time, carrying on conversations with others and ignoring me. It was usually such a relief to not be the focus of her critical attention that I'm not sure I noticed it or felt hurt by it as a kid

Sorry your mom did the same to you, Rebel13.
Until the thing with J. I thought mom and I got along fine. OK, she didn't give me a lot of attention, but she didn't critize me either. J. was a pretty little girl, with her blond hair and blue eyes she looked like a doll. She also had a helping and serving character and she liked being around my mom.

I was completely different, I was a bit of a tomboy, I didn't like wearing girls clothes and I loved reading. Things got worse when my mother became coach of the team, I rebelled against that and I think that's what really triggered her.
I have a picture of the team that I made myself, my mother is also on the picture. She has her arm around J. and she smiles at the camera (me), but her eyes are on fire. So yeah, it think it's possible that she gave me a 'silent treatment'. Will watch the video!

Rebel13 · July 01, 2024, 06:21:31 PM

Yes, my mom wanted a little dolly princess too, and she got me instead. Like all of my family, I'm a big person, and I hate fussy clothes and dresses and love reading and being outside. I was a kid in the '70s and my mom would say lots of feminist-lite things, like "Girls can do anything boys can do!" And then she would offer me $5 to wear a dress to school.

We were fine just the way we were, Mathilda. There wasn't anything wrong with us. It was all them. What kind of person doesn't value a child for the person they are? Not someone I want anything to do with.

Mathilda · July 02, 2024, 02:25:28 PM

Quote from: Rebel13 on July 01, 2024, 06:21:31 PMYes, my mom wanted a little dolly princess too, and she got me instead. Like all of my family, I'm a big person, and I hate fussy clothes and dresses and love reading and being outside. I was a kid in the '70s and my mom would say lots of feminist-lite things, like "Girls can do anything boys can do!" And then she would offer me $5 to wear a dress to school.

My mother told me once how disappointed she was because in 5th grade, I no longer wanted to wear dresses. I grew up in the '70s too, no other girls in my class wore dresses, we all wore pants. One time (I was an adult at the time) she called me a "feminist", no idea why. I wasn't exactly a women's lib activist or anything like that.

Quote from: Rebel13 on July 01, 2024, 06:21:31 PMWe were fine just the way we were, Mathilda. There wasn't anything wrong with us. It was all them. What kind of person doesn't value a child for the person they are? Not someone I want anything to do with.

Marianne · September 07, 2024, 03:43:05 PM

I am so sorry. So very sorry.

I remember my mum...she was very ill (cancer). Our relationship was troubled. I don't know if she had narcissism or something else. But I tried to reach out...wanting healing for us both before she died. And got little response. She made very little time for me. Saying she was busy, with a lot of appointments with random acquaintances.

In her last months...a friend of my brother was a physiotherapist...she'd help my mum..and I think they spent a lot of time together. Going for walks many times. She was my age. It hurt.

She even...she promised me a special dress she loved. To inherit. And during her last months, she suddenly promised it to this girl. It really stung. I thought it was me being jealous. But this post of yours really suddenly made sense.