Need help putting the rejection behind me...

[Phantom Muse]

I've been working with a wonderful art therapist for about 9 months now, and I have embarked on a journey to reduce my people-pleasing tendencies (because that's when I get hurt).  To this end, I've finally found the courage to confront the relationships I have with my siblings.

I come from a large blended set of siblings with 7 brothers and 1 sister.  My three oldest brothers passed when I was between the ages of 16-26.  I am a few decades from that now. I was the youngest until my little brother was born when I was almost 11 years old.

I've avoided trying to think about why I was always seen as an outsider and often treated as if I was not welcome. I've missed sibling reunions—because I wasn't invited.  I am phoned by my sister and younger brother only when they need my help.  There has never been any reciprocity there.  I have another brother who tells me I am a failure, and one more that consistently has betrayed my trust and relegates me to the "back of the line." 

That leaves one brother with whom I still can speak somewhat freely.  We have different political and religious viewpoints—but we manage to make it work.  He does rely on me for support—but sometimes neglects to reciprocate.  However, he is light years more kind to me than the others.

You'd think I've seen them for who they are for a long time—but I honestly just really "got it" this week.  I am now swimming in the hurtful memories and the feelings of rejection.  I always wanted to believe they cared—but I now can see that any care is minimal at best.  I am so profoundly hurt, a little bit angry, and I find myself turning my feelings inward. It was a little thing that triggered me (my sister ignoring a condolence text from me while, at the same time, acknowledging every other sibling's condolences).  It's a control game she has played with me in the past, I think, to make sure I know how little she values me.  But it really slapped me in the face this week.

Are there any resources (videos on YouTube or books) that you have found helpful in accepting the reality of your relationships with PD siblings—and that offer some techniques to move forward in peace, self-esteem, and happiness?  Thanks so much!

[LemonLime]

Hi Phantom, welcome to the Boards.
I have found Jerry Wise You Tube videos very helpful.

[Phantom Muse]

Thanks, LemonLime!  I just took a look at his youtube home, and I will start watching tonight.  I appreciate the suggestion!

[Invisiblewoman]

Hi Phantom Muse,

I understand the hurt and bewilderment especially at their lack of empathy. Like, do they really not see me, or do they think I deserve it. For me it was hard to find a single person I could trust because it seemed short lived, and in the end some members betrayed my trust.

They'd rather have a scapegoat and keep things the same because allowing reality to take shape was more frightening than allowing certain members to seem unflattering. It's easier to maintain control that way.

[Danie]

Hi Phantom Muse. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, but it's good you're taking a look at it to help yourself manage it.

I have 2 sisters from my family of origin and 4 step-siblings from mom and dad. I also have some first cousins that were close growing up. With divorces, mental illness and addictions there has definitely been lots of unkind and cruel treatment. I found myself to be the scapegoat when my dad's drinking blew up. Which was weird because as a little kid I was his favorite (which was also wrong). Someone told him I lined up an intervention on him - which was totally untrue. I've been called all sorts of names and labeled doing dysfunctional behaviors ("you always want to fight"). Yes, years of pain and trying to survive while trying to get a crumb of something loving and good.

Most of us are still in touch! It's not great, but its' all we got. I can say I'm very self-reliant, but also seek out good relationships with nice people and people that care about me!

When one of my sisters announced her divorce 6 months ago, I can tell you I wasn't surprised. She has been the most unkind of all. As much as I don't want her to suffer I can't blame her husband. Even when I try to help her through her day she winds up attacking me. She's totally unable to look at herself. I've never in her 66 years heard her own a thing. This also validates her terrible treatment of me was all about HER.

My point is believe in yourself and your goodness. It can get confusing and overwhelming to be mistreated by the people you want to love you. It's not you; you have to believe it. Stay the course and let the hurts be water under the bridge, and find better friends.

[mary_poppins]

Yes, Narcissism Survivor talks a lot about siblings and how it is hard to have relationships with them if you're in an NPD family. That channel inspired me to stop reaching out to my brothers, understand them or have relationships with them. I also understood it is not me, but my mother who created the abuse.

She turned my brothers against me and so now, they don't connect with me in a way a normal person should connect with their sibling. I really can't do anything about it and I'm at peace with it.

Wishing you peace, I know it's hard.