Is my therapist trying to be an influencer?

[Unbroken1]

During the pandemic, I experienced what some call "the dark night of the soul" as I rode out the isolation period alone, for the most part. I moved across the country in 2017 to get far, far away from my uNPD covert malignant ex and to make a fresh start. I am self-employed and able to work remotely, and have been doing that for the past 30 years. Just prior to that terrible period of self-quarantine, I discovered the concept of narcissism and devoured everything I could get my hands on to read about this disorder.

I also lost all my clients save for one, and had to go on unemployment - to my shame - and also had to take a $23,000 SBA loan since as a micro-business, I wasn't eligible for the first round of PPP grants. I will spend the next decade or so paying off the loan, and by the time I am able to do that, I'll probably be 75 and still working. The only thing that saved me from destitution was the fact that I had remodeled part of the house I bought as a vacation rental. My first guest was a traveling nurse who was supposed to be there for 3 months, but her contract ended after 3 weeks when a Covid outbreak happened out in the nearby hospital where she was working.

I was literally at my wit's end from the isolation, and self medicating with cannabis and alcohol. If it weren't for my two cats, I would have lost my mind. There were stretches of days when I had no contact at all from anyone. I've had no physical contact with a human (except for doctors) for 3-4 years now. I can't remember what it was like to hug someone. I'm on a dating app but the going is slow. I live in a rural area, and that along with my age group (60-70) means the interest level from potential partners is a lot lower. The huge number of fake profiles there have not made it any easier since I was catfished and retraumatized on a dating site right out of the gate after my divorce.

Since I was new to this area, I knew only a few people and was grateful for the friends I made, but eventually realized it was not a healthy group to be around since the alcohol consumption there was very heavy among them and almost raised to the level of being worshipped and glorified. That, and along with my growing realization that narcissistic traits and behavior were evident among most of those people, was the reason I started to distance myself from them. After that, I haven't felt like reaching out or making any efforts to find new acquaintances.

At this point in my life, I haven't seen that friend group for several years, even after being invited to their regular gatherings where drinking seems to be the bond that holds them together. I was also uninvited by the host from a Christmas gathering that supposedly was canceled due to pandemic concerns. I discovered later after she inadvertently exposed the lie when she let slip an anecdote about the party that I was not at, having forgotten that I wasn't there.

Anyway. I knew I needed help from a trauma-informed therapist who specialized in recovery from narcissistic abuse, so I searched online for one. Since in-office sessions weren't possible, I contacted an online therapist who is licensed to practice in my state. Since she charges $140 an hour (now $180/hr but I'm still paying the lower rate), I pay out of pocket and can only afford 2 sessions a month as she didn't accept my insurance coverage then - and doesn't now, since I'm on Medicare.

It's been a long climb out of the darkness and despair I was in. I've read about 50 books on NPD, sociopaths, toxic people, and CPTSD, and have 250 hours of meditation so far using guided practices on Insight Timer. It's still a struggle, and I fear that I am now isolated from the majority of humans by my experience and knowledge of NPD. Anyone here ever tried to talk to an uninformed friend or acquaintance about what your experience was like being with a disordered person? It's not worth it. Forget it, unless that person is truly empathic. If they're not, you're fodder for gossip.

I made the mistake of mentioning to my former friend that I was in recovery from an abusive 23-year relationship with a narcissistic ex, which I now regret since she immediately (with a sparkle in her eye) asked me if she could share that little fact with her husband, who is a monologuing motormouth and heavy drinker. She affects the posture of a knowing sage/empath and is heavily into astrology and dream interpretation. After letting her know that I was trying to stop drinking, it got awkward and the invites mostly dried up. The one or two that I did get, I declined. I didn't know why then, but I just didn't want to be around those people.

So, to get to my original point: my current therapist is half my age. I have a serious case of transference that I'm dealing with and have discussed this openly with her, and let her know that I feel like a foolish and stupid old man. I know that she would never violate her code of ethics in any way but the fantasy persists. It's faded a little, but I had a very troubling dream about her last night that was definitely centered around my unrequited desire.

She's extremely active in promoting herself on Instagram, Substack, and probably TikTok as well. If Googled, many references to her come up. She's written a book about women with narcissistic mothers, and is currently working on her PhD in Psychology. Her social media posts are constant and she has a pretty sizable, but not huge, following. Lately she has been posting reels that are focused on her looking pretty and thoughtful with a background of mellow music and subtitled text imposed in the foreground about whatever the topic of the moment is. Her content is always relevant and insightful, but something about the posts trigger my insecurity and abandonment issues. I realized that these recent posts are landing as attempts to draw attention to herself personally. I once asked her straight out if she thought she was a narcissist (no). Then, yesterday, I noticed that she had a product endorsement in one of her posts, which is also bothering me.

I'm wondering if these social media posts are red flags or if I'm still living in another era where self-promotion was seen as distasteful, and I'm stuck there insofar as how I judge people based on how self-centered they are, a personality trait which I have always recoiled from. My mother competed at the age of 19 in the 1950 Miss Texas pageant, so I'm a sucker for a pretty face.

Mom was also uNPD/BPD, and a model of learned helplessness. Dad was uNPD of the covert variety, emotionally unavailable, and full of silent contempt for us both. I'm an only child, having grown up as both the Golden Child and Scapegoat in our little triad. I have a Fearful/Avoidant Disorganized attachment style. I've also been diagnosed with unspecified PTSD and self diagnose with CPTSD based on Pete Walker's writings.

Thanks for any insights.

[Rebel13]

I'm wondering if these social media posts are red flags or if I'm still living in another era where self-promotion was seen as distasteful, and I'm stuck there insofar as how I judge people based on how self-centered they are, a personality trait which I have always recoiled from.

It kind of seems like you are answering your own question there! I know it's really hard to find a therapist who's a good fit these days. I am younger than you, but I also find the culture of social media uncomfortable. I'm careful what Youtube videos I watch and how seriously I take them. I would find it very difficult to have a therapist who had a strong presence on social media. That's just me, but I get to honor my own feelings and preferences. So do you. Given that relationships and feeling lonely seem to be big concerns for you right now, you might consider looking for someone with whom "transference" wouldn't be an issue.

[bloomie]

Unbroken1 - you are making really good choices to protect yourself and find a therapist who is a good fit for you. Sometimes a therapist is a good fit for a time, but then we find our needs and preferences change, the interactions are no longer healthy or serving us and it is time to move on. Could that be the case here?

It also might be a relief to stop following your therapist on SM. A simple fix to avoid being triggered by her posts.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Based on my own experiences with therapists, if something is bothering you, just move on.  There are a lot out there. 

I had a therapist years ago, that I started to see as a mother figure.  That's when the work began to fail.

Good Luck,