Left Alone to Grieve

[Tennikay]

Two years ago my beautiful Baby girl died.
six months later, I lost my job because my loss had "retraumatized the whole community".
During the Christmas season my partner and I were not invited to our regular family traditions. Not invited to christmas light looking or gingerbread house competitions. We became no longer welcome.
Then my "family" sat me down and told me that I am 'the problem' of the family, which at two months into the grieving process, made me want to barf, cry, turn inside out and die all at the same time.
Two months after losing my job they tried to institute me into a mental hospital.
That was super traumatizing, I thought I was going to die. they traced my phone, surrounded me with police cars, arrested me and dragged me to the hospital.
The fact that I called them cunts for doing that has been a source of blame ever since. It was a cuntish thing to do. The doctor took one look at me and said, "you are a grieving mother, please go home."
In march my partner, sister, mum and I went to Mexico. the dy we arrived, I was stroppy as hell. They left me behind in the airport and then got mad at me when I was wanting to not be rushed once they had found me.
That night the other went drinking, I stayed in the hotel. around midnight my sister pushed into my hotel room and beat me up. Tore off my toenail, kicked me and punched me in my back chest ribs face. she had me down on the bed punching me in the back of the neck when I turned over and launched her. when she landed she broke her foot.
My mother did not hear my side but responded with this:
"I am too exhausted and hurt to deal with you"
my mother never heard my story. Still not. But indeed the blame is on me.
When my mum, sister and man left Mexico, I decided to stay. When my mum left she wouldn't even look me in the eye.
it has been a slow removal of my family ever since.
I offered a clip of a video explaining scapegoating. since then my one sister no longer speaks to me, has cut me off from seeing her sons because, I am "unstable" and "angry".
This is the claim: that I am "angry". Damn right I am!!
To be fair, I have not passed the test of them painting me into a box the three times I have yelled at them has been because they are gaslighting me. it is so frustrating to be told over and over that you are angry when 98% of the time that is not your reality. anyhow, I lost my shit all three times.

The time that lapsed between the time I last saw my mum and the time she called at the begging of my partner was 20 months . During that time my anger did foment. Why haven't they asked how I am? why don't they check on me? Why don't they care about me? Could they possibly know how painful this ostracization is? do they care that my heart physically hurts? Do they know that this is killing me?
finally when my mother called she claims to not have called because my anger was so big.
Its maddening as fuck... 'WE have not spoke to you or checked in with you, or asked if you are ok because you are angry."
BUT YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD MY VOICE IN 20 FUCKING MONTHS!! How can you use my imagined anger as an excuse to not be supportive??
How can you assume someone's anger? Those who have big emotions are not welcome??Those with unsavoury emotions do not deserve love??
This has been the most heartbreaking, complex loss. I read somewhere that we need community and family to properly let go. I feel that!
I read somewhere else that being ostracized by ones family is akin to death, since we are social creatures who could not survive alone. I feel that!

I must now grieve solo. and realize that those people have never been there for me. it hard though. and wow all the memories that keep coming back.
My mother confides regularly with my sisters, but none of them will speak to me. Triangulation at its worst.

my heart is hurt.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. My heart aches at the thought of your unimaginable loss of your precious baby girl and then the months of discard and toxic treatment by your family of origin (foo). I am so sorry!

It is clear that there is no healing and comfort within the circle of your birth family, but I can say without a doubt there is help, empathy, and hope within many other groups and communities. This is a place to come and share, ask questions, and move forward to a place free of fear, obligation, and guilt.

When coming here I found I needed to surround myself with this community, a few trusted friends, a mentor, a faith community, and a therapist. The pain and anger were overwhelming me and I needed many spokes on the wheel to move forward to healing and recovering.

The thing about anger that I learned from the work of Karla McLaren is it asks us the question what needs to be protected and what needs to be restored? Anger is also an energizing emotion that, when managed and welcomed properly, can empower us to set boundaries, know our worth, and walk in truth and strength.

Here is a link to the free articles and helpful descriptions by McLaren: https://karlamclaren.com/emotional-vocabulary-page/

What we  come here to do is to recognize that we didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it. The only one we can cure and control is always only ourselves. If you are looking for strategies and a place to ask questions and gain support you are in the right place! We will support you here.

I hope you will find, or have found, a grief group in real life to work with and be a part of as well. Your foo's behaviors have made it very clear they are not safe for you in any way.

For now, deep breath! You are not alone. Keep coming back and sharing as you are able and let us walk this path alongside of you! So glad you reached out!