"Silent treatment" and my reaction

[Rebel13]

Hi everyone,

There have been good conversations about silent treatment in other threads, and I shared that my mother used that tactic all the time, along with the one where she had conversations with other people AT me -- that is, obviously and pointedly excluding me, especially if she was mad at me for some reason.

I'm having a rough day today. I don't believe my partner has a PD, but she has always been exceptionally sensitive to any comments she perceives as hurtful. Yesterday I mentioned something that I was fairly sure would upset her. I thought about it for a few days beforehand, and decided that there were good reasons for me to bring it up. I tried to say it as gently as possible. I have tried everything I know in these circumstances to communicate clearly and kindly, but I've never been able to say anything less than favorable without getting this reaction.

She is still very hurt and has withdrawn from me. I know that this isn't "silent treatment" per se -- does anyone know another term for when interaction is happening, but it's obvious that the door has slammed down on connection and intimacy? We're being super polite but very distant.

Whenever this happens, I find it hard to manage my own feelings, since it reminds me so much of how my mother treated me. I feel like I am being punished even though (in this case) I know I didn't do anything wrong. The longer the disconnect continues, I find myself feeling more and more angry and upset. I have impulses to engage in old self-soothing behaviors that I would rather not, and sometimes I give in to them.

I have been working with a mindfulness therapist lately and I have had a pretty good and productive week with that work, until this happened. I'm trying as hard as I can to use those tools to check in with myself, stay calm, remind myself I'm safe, I'm grown up, this is her issue, she's doing this because she's hurt, not because she's angry or punishing me. We always end up reconnecting but it can take a while for her to go through whatever her process is. I find it so hard to tolerate, and not to lash out from my own frustration and anger and make things worse.

I don't know if anyone has similar experiences or ideas of what else might help? Kind of just wanted to get it off my chest today.

[bloomie]

Rebel13 - just seeing this! I hope your discomfort is beginning to ease a bit. You have a clear eyed vision of the response your partner is having and what is yours to do in that.

Honestly, that is the biggest hurdle ime. Knowing you did nothing wrong, handled a difficult conversation with love and grace, and that another's feelings are their responsibility.

It is like sandpaper on our hearts when there is disconnection - emotional, physical, spiritual, from someone we love.

Is it possible, that in the past you have mitigated your partner's withdrawal when hurt with a trauma response like fawn or flee or some other response like apologizing or diluting the truth of the message you felt you needed to share? Is it possible, that you may have done things like that in part to mitigate your own hurt and confusion around someone dear pulling away?

You are stepping into a healthier self knowing that leads you to give your partner the space they need to work through their own emotions. That might be new for both of you?

It is a huge transition for my own H when I stopped making choices from my traumatized self and began making choices from my grown up, healthier self. He had to feel his own feelings and work through them and I had to hold steady with the process.

It is an imperfect process as well, I have found. Which can cause its own kind of self doubt.

My thoughts... keep doing what you are doing to grow in both your inner self and in your relationship! You are doing good and worthy work that is paying off!

How are you doing today?

[TurnThePage]

Hello Rebel13

Sometimes it's good to vent and release all the pent up frustration.  Just try to remember that the only person you can control is yourself.

Find something to get your mind off of your frustration and anger.  Whether that means working, a hobby, listening to music, or just sitting and being in the moment. 

I really enjoyed the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It helped me be more present and deal with others

Wishing you all the best

[Rebel13]

Thanks for the kind words, both of you, and for the book recommendation, TurnThePage. I just put it on hold at the library.

We were able to talk last night and my partner was clear that I didn't do anything wrong. She knows that it's her intense shame reaction and she doesn't know how else to handle it. She says she tries her best to stay engaged but it's a real struggle for her, and to be honest what she described of her internal state does sound really awful. She's working with internal family systems in therapy and she tried to use some of those tools. They're new for her, but maybe they will help her more and more over time.

I guess it's just one of those patterns that will keep coming up. I hope I can get stronger too and manage my own pain better so the resolution can come more quickly.

Thanks again for the support.

[notrightinthehead]

Rebel, when situations like that happen I try to see them as learning experience, learning something new about myself, learning something new about my partner. I try to tap deeply into myself and that - so far - has helped me through.

[Rebel13]

This is a really excellent idea and great advice. I'm going to try to be curious about what I can learn, instead of afraid and stuck.

[Marianne]

I didn't read the responses. But I did read your post.

It's something my dad does. He answers. But he is extremely distant. A colleague accidently witnessed it. And said he was very upset. He even spoke with our manager about it, because he found my dad's chilling behaviour so terrible.

I have no clue how to respond well. Because it is so painful to me, that it arouses extreme abandonment fear. And despair. Which dad then responds coldly to again. It is the best way to hurt me. So I see your point.

No idea how to handle it...just my support...and recognition.