Finding the courage to leave my wife

[emoo_mon]

I married my wife in 2020. We had dated off-and-on for several years prior. The second time I broke up with her, I had to call the police to remove her from my apartment. Yet I still married her. I think a lot about what that means about me.

She has diagnosed depression and anxiety, for which she has been prescribed medication. She's currently not taking her meds. A therapist (she's had a few) told her she has C-PTSD. That seems likely, given her awful childhood. Her behavior is consistent with BPD as I understand it, but I'm careful to not diagnose her. She knows something is wrong but can't or won't take any corrective action.

Our relationship has been a nightmarish cycle of abuse. It sometimes happens that we go a week without her having a rage incident, but that would be an uncommonly good week.

I spent years learning her triggers and how to avoid them. It isn't possible. She will invent thoughts and assign them to me, and become triggered.

She is triggered by anything less than complete, groveling, submission to her exact will. No different perspective, no suggestion, no difference of opinion is tolerated. There can be no negotiation or compromise.

When she loses her temper, she screams that she wants me to die, that she despises me. She gets inches from my face and screams, her own face red with fury, "Fuck you! Fuck you!" repeatedly. This can happen up to a couple times per day.

The wall behind my bedroom door is damaged from her slamming the door into it as she bursts into my bedroom to berate me. There are really no bounds to her cruelty. She will absolutely escalate to violence and has no qualms about lying. The things she says to me are designed to be the most hurtful things possible -- truth does not matter. Any vulnerability I have ever revealed has been later used to hurt me when she was mad. That isn't hyperbolic -- there are no exceptions.

The thing that triggers her most of all is me holding any personal boundaries. So for years, I didn't.

We tried couples counseling and the councilor told me to offer her emotional validation. So I got extremely good at remaining kind and validating while she smashed plates and slammed doors and screamed that I'm a "fucking loser" and she is leaving and taking our child with her.

Another one of her triggers is being denied repair. So when she's ready to repair after one of her rage incidents, it doesn't really matter how I feel. I have to offer her forgiveness and affection right then and there. If not, the rage is coming back even worse. It's a truly horrible feeling to pretend... to hug them and tell you that you love them -- out of fear of what they will do if you don't.

Her apologies are accusations. I'm responsible for her behavior because I interrupted her, or was dismissive, or didn't validate her feelings. Her feelings are intense burning hatred for me. It's hard to validate that but I try my hardest.

I'm here now trying to find the courage to divorce her. I've been afraid of what she will do. In particular, I fear that she will tell our young child bad things about me. I'm certain the divorce process itself will be absolutely horrible.

I'm also afraid of what she will do to our son in my absence. I am starting to see the behaviors normally directed at me also be directed at him. He is 3 and adores her. Sometimes he tells me that he's sad because she yelled at him. It isn't bad now but it's getting worse as he develops language and a personality of his own.

Any words of advice or encouragement greatly appreciated.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am so sorry you have to live this way. And so sorry there is a child involved.

The good news is, you are beginning to see clearly. You cannot change your wife, you cannot make her see you or treat you with respect and kindness. And she does not sound like a safe person to be around a child.

There is a lot of information on this site, I urge you to study the Toolbox, and if you can, get a copy of the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fjelstad. You wrote.... Yet I still married her. I think a lot about what that means about me.... This shows that you are beginning to see that you are contributing to your own situation. Which is great, because you can control your own behaviour, you can change your own behaviour, and you can begin to work on an escape plan for yourself and your child.

You do need to document the abuse. I used to record the rage explosions of my husband on my phone. Find a way to document what happens behind closed doors. It makes it more real and it might help you get custody, should you wish to take care of your child.

You need support in real life - a counsellor, a self help group like CoDA, people who know about your difficult situation and can give you shelter. You might want to get some legal advice. You might even consider calling the police when plates are smashed and doors broken.

You have taken the first step and you are not alone. I am glad you found us. Come back here and read around the boards and implement the strategies from the Toolbox.

See you around!

[TurnThePage]

Hi emoo_mon

I am glad you found this site.  It is full of great information and people who truly understand what you are dealing with. 

Educate yourself as much as you can.  If you are not in therapy yet I highly encourage it. 

I agree with notrightinthehead about documenting the abuse ...just be sure not to let her know you are trying to do so...she may try to destroy the evidence (my BPDH would destroy my cell phone if he thought I was recording him or keeping text he sent me)

I am still married to my BPDH....  I also have a child with him.  I thought it was better to stay at the time.  Our child is older now and I hate that he saw how I bent over backward catering to H as he does the same with his significant other. That being said....you are the example your child will see.

Wishing you all the best on your journey



 

[Rebel13]

emoo_mon, I am so sorry you are living this way. I grew up with a raging, abusive father and just reading your story raises my blood pressure.

I agree with notrightinthehead that it is a great sign that you are looking at what it means that you decided to marry, despite knowing how your wife behaves. I also agree with both NRITH and TurnThePage about documenting the abuse as much as possible, without letting on you are doing so. That evidence might not matter in divorce proceedings if it were just you, but with a child and potential custody determination at stake, it could matter A LOT. It would also be helpful to think of others who might have witnessed her treatment of your child, who might be able to help you get full or majority custody, supervised visitation, or any other means of protecting your child.

Please take care of yourself and your child as best you can while you are working out the issues, both emotional and logistical, that keep you in the marriage. I wish you all the best in finding your way to freedom from abuse. Sometimes it's hard to even imagine while you are still in it, but getting away from an abusive person is the best feeling I know.