Fighting feelings of shame questions about NC

[Bdb89207]

Hi everyone,

I've been NC for about 4 years with my NPD mother,  2 years with my NPD father, and 5 years with my enabling sibling.  One of the toughest yet best decisions I've ever made for myself and 100% don't regret it, but I still feel a little secret shame when someone asks "You're still not talking to your family?" as though it's an overly extended phase, instead of a much needed protective mechanism after years of emotional neglect and emotional abuse.

How do you all navigate/ mitigate those feelings of shame when someone asks that question?

I know it sounds strange to the average person but this is necessary for my healing. 

[xredshoesx]

gentle hugs @Bdb89207.  it's definitely frustrating when people don't get it bc they view ALL families through the lens of their own family experience only.

when it comes along, I find that NO is my boundary and best answer.  i'm also super selective at this point with whom I share the details with as well if that makes sense.

keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other.  it's a long journey but i've been NC with my biological mother now like 30 years and my worst day without her in my life was still better than the best day with her in it. 

[Rebel13]

I second xredshoesx. I just don't talk about it with people other than a couple of good friends with similar family dynamics. For an innocent question, "Oh, I'm not close with them" is often enough.  Only busybodies usually persist beyond that, and they deserve to be shut down with "Why do you ask?" You don't have to let people shame you. The shame is theirs anyway, for treating you so badly that you had no choice but to cut contact with them.

[footprint33]

It's very tough to deal with the secondary abuse from people guilting abused adult children of narcissistic parents that they should maintain a relationship with those parents. I agree with the previous responses that the less said about FOO is probably the best. However, one thing that has worked for me when people persist is to simply say that my parents are alcoholics. It's interesting, once I bring up alcohol, nobody asks another question. My parents are alcoholics, though I know that alcohol is just another symptom of their personality disorders, not the cause of it.

[sunshine702]

I will tell the story of the time they broke into my house.  And thought it was fine because they had given me things. 

Most people can see how absolutely horrible that is and how yeah that makes sense

[mary_poppins]

Hi. Yes, I feel that shame so deep in my bones. Not only when I have to explain to people why I'm not 'close' to my family but when I need to talk about them or about where I was born or even pronounce my family name.
Anything related to my family, my birth town or culture triggers intense shame. Their abuse was monstly emotional and mental coupled with severe neglect. There was also physical abuse but not as damaging as the emotional/mental. So the shame is triggered because family discussions reminds me of how much I was hated as a child and how worthless I feel (part of shame).
What I do when a shame attack comes: I journal. I try to welcome this attack and see what's about this feeling that makes me uncomfortable. I usually find out that when people force me to talk about my family they trigger my shame because I feel inferior to them for having been abused. So the desire here is to be loved and equal with others. Becoming aware of why and how shame affects you regarding your family of origin is the first step in healing. I learned this from Tim Fletcher a counselor on complex trauma on Youtube. He has a shame discussions in 6 or 8 parts. Very eye-opening.

[Rebel13]

What I do when a shame attack comes: I journal. I try to welcome this attack and see what's about this feeling that makes me uncomfortable. I usually find out that when people force me to talk about my family they trigger my shame because I feel inferior to them for having been abused. So the desire here is to be loved and equal with others. Becoming aware of why and how shame affects you regarding your family of origin is the first step in healing. I learned this from Tim Fletcher a counselor on complex trauma on Youtube. He has a shame discussions in 6 or 8 parts. Very eye-opening.

This is very cool Mary.  Thank you for sharing it; I'll be checking out the videos and thinking about your process. 

[mary_poppins]

What I do when a shame attack comes: I journal. I try to welcome this attack and see what's about this feeling that makes me uncomfortable. I usually find out that when people force me to talk about my family they trigger my shame because I feel inferior to them for having been abused. So the desire here is to be loved and equal with others. Becoming aware of why and how shame affects you regarding your family of origin is the first step in healing. I learned this from Tim Fletcher a counselor on complex trauma on Youtube. He has a shame discussions in 6 or 8 parts. Very eye-opening.

This is very cool Mary.  Thank you for sharing it; I'll be checking out the videos and thinking about your process. 

You're welcome.