Mommie dearest is in hospital

[moglow]

Last week mother had some kind of incident at home and requested my brother call an ambulance. Details are (intentionally I believe) garbled, but this came at the and of a week where she'd locked herself in the house and wouldn't let him in. There are indications of some self inflicted illness, possibly food poisoning and/or deliberate misuse of medications that led to dehydration, UTI and/or kidney infections, and a back injury that has left her unable to sit or even lay comfortably. This, for a sedentary isolated senior, does not bode well.

So md's spent a week mostly flat of her back begging for pain meds. Once she realized she had to have bathroom assistance, she pretty much stopped eating (nothing in, nothing out) and complained at their insistence that she drink plenty of water (remember aforementioned UTI/kidney infections). Rather than having to get up and down she wanted to sit on bedside commode or bedpan all day. They stopped that pretty quick. She's insisted her door not be closed but almost, not like that but more open, no that's too open ... The list goes on. She thinks she's in control of this situation and can stay as long as she likes, with nursing staff at her beck and call.

It doesn't occur to her -or she's blocking out- that she has to be somewhat mobile and able to care for herself to go home. They tried to discharge her Friday but thankfully brother stepped in and advised she lives alone. She will be living alone, no one is moving in with her. She can't go home like that, unable to sit up or move from her bed without massive pain, unable to care for herself. Md has told brother that our cousin can come live with her; seems if that were the case cousin would be in contact. She's not, we've heard nothing from her in years. It's entirely possible cousin knows nothing about that proposition at all.

So now we're looking at competency evaluations, and very likely move to nursing facility. Md seems to think she can use this like a hotel. She forgets they've watched and listened and notated in her chart for a week. She's actually forgotten a lot of things and is making it up as she goes, contradicting herself and changing her story on the regular. Brother has strenuously expressed his concerns regarding her safety - and sanity. She's NOT competent or even coherent at times. She's heavily medicated and unable to care for herself on even the most basic level. She can't be discharged to home.

She and I have had limited interaction, including one phone call where she wanted to tell me "rather than hearing it from others." She left out a number of pertinent details, but it's her story so she tells what she wants. But other than that a few one line checking in texts (by me) with even more brief responses from her. So at least she's aware of that much. Nothing has changed between us and she's on her own.

I'm about as okay as expected. It's not easy to watch but would be much worse to be involved. My withdrawal from her seems to have come at best possible time, where I'm not dragged up in the middle expecting to manage her situation or Heaven forbid, stay with her. My support and guidance is for my brother, providing information and backup as needed. He and oldest brother bad lengthy conversation yesterday, and it sounds like we're all on the same page.

Just not a great time.

[xredshoesx]

sending you all strength and peace, as well as wisdom to the medical professionals to see her as she is and get her the appropriate level of care to keep her safe from herself.

one of the issues with my grandma before she was moved from assisted living is that she had different narratives for different doctors....she wasn't able to keep that practice up once she was put into skilled nursing care.

[NarcKiddo]

It's always difficult to deal with these things, even when not directly involved. Sometimes worse, I guess, as there must be some temptation to get involved when the crazy gets too much. I hope they manage to find somewhere suitable for her.

My MIL was in hospital for a while earlier this year and her existing care home took the opportunity to say she could not come back as they could not provide the level of care she needed. She is also one of those who refuses to drink due to UTI issues and also who has different narratives depending on the audience. It's very tough on all concerned, and in our health service you can beck and call nurses all you like, but there are simply not enough of them to come running.

[moglow]

Thanks guys! Yes, she's clueless that her demands aren't needs nor are they immediate. Nobody has the staff or patience for that nonsense. I can see the appeal to her - removal from an unmanageable home situation, but she doesn't grasp the realities. She can't go home as is, can't afford in home care and her supposed options are very limited and by her own doing. This is one of those you don't have to go home but you can't stay here situations.

Problem I see is she's absolutely able to put up a front, at least for a while. And given opportunity she plays people against each other. Once that crack appears and they start seeing through it, she's out of control and flailing. I can easily see where she'd have to be sedated. Then what??

So yeah. That's where we are.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I'm about as okay as expected. It's not easy to watch but would be much worse to be involved. My withdrawal from her seems to have come at best possible time, where I'm not dragged up in the middle expecting to manage her situation or Heaven forbid, stay with her. My support and guidance is for my brother, providing information and backup as needed. He and oldest brother bad lengthy conversation yesterday, and it sounds like we're all on the same page.

Just not a great time.

Moglow - sending you strength and all of my support. Glad to see you seem to be on the same page with things. Hoping she gets the needed level of care, and this has the best outcome for all of you.   

[Rebel13]

Also sending support and good thoughts to you moglow! I'm so glad your brother(s) can be in charge of this so that you can remain at a distance. All the best in this hard time.

[Sneezy]

Hi Mo - I'm sending you hugs and peace.  This is so difficult.  Sometimes I think the hardest thing is to watch someone else making bad decision after bad decision.  Your mom is exactly where she needs to be right now.  I'm glad you and your brother are on the same page.  No hospital bed in the livingroom for either of you, right?  Be patient and let the system run its course.  One of the paid professionals will figure out where your mom needs to go next.  And whether she likes it or not doesn't matter.  As you say, much of this situation is of her own making.  I'm sure she will end up somewhere that is "good enough."  Nothing in life is perfect, and her new living situation won't be perfect either, but hopefully she will end up safer and better off (whether she sees it that way or not).  And hopefully your brother can keep his distance and manage her care from afar, while you continue to provide sisterly support.  It sounds like you two are a good team.

Hang in there - deep breaths - you got this!!!

[moglow]

Brother is at his wits end. She's running the show at the hospital with demands for pain meds - seems to have incredibly high tolerance for Dilaudid, her pain tolerance is nil. Or can she not tell the difference between discomfort and actual pain? We don't know. She can't adjust her pillows, can't manage bed controls, can't get out of or back into bed without a lot of help, can't do *anything* for herself but she can sure use that call button. In a weeks time she's not been more than five feet any direction from her bed.

I've suggested to brother that he back off. Back WAY off. Like refuse to intervene further with this monster that's been created. Tell her that, tell hospital that. He can't provide care for her and she can't be discharged to his care. He's not picking her up. I don't know if he can do that but I think he needs to. He's having a hard enough time on his own, he can't take her on. She needs 24/7 care and can't live alone? Nursing home. Y'all figure it out.

[moglow]

Oh and this little tidbit - she's refusing to drink water. Recovering from UTI and kidney infections and she won't drink water. On blood thinners to lessen dangers of stroke, won't drink water. Was admitted with severe dehydration, but putting her foot down. She's 86 years old and doesn't have to drink water if she doesn't want to!! so she says. 

I'm sure it's a process and requires time and a lot of assistance. I suggested to brother this may be part of her refusal to get out of bed. Solution: catheter.

Choices.

[NarcKiddo]

There is very little one can control in a hospital but the few things one can are certainly able to cause maximum inconvenience. It is possible she is having some cognitive issues which will not be helping. And my mother certainly is unwilling to tolerate any level of discomfort without moving straight to drugs so maybe yours is similar. Dehydration can of course be managed via IV drip if she continues to refuse to drink.

I think your advice to your brother to back off is spot on. It is not cruel to her - he is not in a position to do anything much so let the medics deal with her while he recovers some sort of equilibrium. My SIL was also run ragged when MIL was last in hospital doing similar and in the end she had to back off and let them deal with it. She found it very tough but as soon as the hospital realised MIL would not leave unless they found her a suitable care home one was found.

I'm sorry for anyone in your mother's position, of course, but that does not excuse anyone refusing to help themselves.

[moglow]

in the end she had to back off and let them deal with it. She found it very tough but as soon as the hospital realised MIL would not leave unless they found her a suitable care home one was found.

Thank you for that - it's all I've got at this point. Can't possibly control her or make her comply but she can face the consequences on her own. I'm not finding it easy and I'm not even there.

Right now it all seems bid for attention and some confrontation so she can vent her spleen. *Almost* makes me want to show up so she'll just get that out and o er with, get in with her life. And yes that's crossed my mind, that this is her goal: force an appearance, followed by her meltdown.

[Rebel13]

Right now it all seems bid for attention and some confrontation so she can vent her spleen. *Almost* makes me want to show up so she'll just get that out and o er with, get in with her life. And yes that's crossed my mind, that this is her goal: force an appearance, followed by her meltdown.

Ugh, just reading that makes me feel sick to my stomach with dread. I really, really hope neither you nor your brother has to go through that experience.

[square]

Moglow, wishing you (and your brother on the front lines) all the best.

It is shocking and appalling how many tremors and shockwaves one person can send through so many miles and through so many people.

Even with your low contact, her inability or refusal to be calm and peaceful, and her choice to fight battles that gain anthills or phantasms, is so unsettling. I feel upset for you just reading it, and it's baffling. A good reminder for us all to tread a bit more lightly on the ground, as knocking everything over is just unnecessary to say the least.

We are here with you.

[moglow]

Thx square. You're right - I've been so rattled this past week and I'm not even there! I honestly don't know how he's doing it. I'm all kinds of edgy and triggered, hearing her voice in my head, knowing how she's talking to people, how they're getting blindsided by the animosity for asking simple questions and doing their jobs. The many conversations with my brothers have been tough then good then goofy and back again as we work through it all. 

[color=var(--input-txt-color)]Coolest thing, two of my brothers who haven't talked in years are talking again! Marathon brain picking, sharing, asking questions, talking about options. THAT is just the best - and it would totally piss her off!! Older brother said I set it off without even knowing, asked him if he thought maybe she had interfered and drove wedges between them from way back. He said he just couldn't put that down and called the other brother a couple days later. So there is some good to be found in it.[/color]

[color=var(--input-txt-color)]Sounds like he's made headway getting her into rehab facility, it's not done but hospital staff is seeing she can't stay there, can't go home. It's something anyway. He said she'll either get something out of it and get feeling better or be so mad she'll do anything to get out, so either way it's a win. Maybe. [/color]

[color=var(--input-txt-color)]Overall this is not a great time, guys. Zero stars, do not recommend dealing with that woman. [/color]

[xredshoesx]

win 1- brothers talking
win 2-specialized nursing/ care home
win 3- you are still NC  albeit in the loop which is understandable considering the situation.

sending peace sis.

[moglow]

@xredshoesx On #3 - not no contact but no visiting, very very limited contact. It's by unspoken mutual agreement at this point and I'm good with it. 

Bro needs the backup even if clearly there's nothing to be done on our end. He seemed better, more at ease last night. The way he's had to oversee her care is dismaying, if not she'd likely have already been sent home and just as likely gearing for a return because of negligence and inattention on their part. He's asked if anyone is willing or able to step in but no one is in position plus she'd never allow it. Her resentments run too deep.

[bloomie]

moglow - just catching up with you here. MD seems to have her head firmly stuck in the sand and have taken up residence on Denial Street. Really painful to try and make measured, reasonable decisions for/with someone who refuses to face they are on a steep downward trend and regaining ground requires they... cooperate with the treatment plan. 

I am so sorry all around.

I am thankful you are there to support your brother and that there has been a reconnection between the two brothers through this. Your vLC is wise and what you are able to safely give, keeping your energies for your brother and hopefully your own processing of all that this triggers within you.

Having gone through something eerily similar this past year with mil it is difficult to quantify the risk of potential damage seeing an elder with such delusions and irrational responses when faced with grave health issues has to all of their family.

My hope and prayer is that you will take very good care of yourself and that you will find the loving bonds you share with your brothers sustaining. Let us know how you are doing as you are able.

[moglow]

Hey @bloomie! It's quicksand, sister, that kind we always saw in cartoons when we were kids. As it turns out, it's all in md's mind and it's deep. She's convinced of how things are supposed to be, much as she's always been with us, and it's a version of reality once again based on pixie dust and moonbeams. In a hospital setting no less.

There has been both dismay and laughter in sharing the events of the past week, including me letting the elder brother know that it seems hospital administrators had a discussion with her about the way she spoke to and treated staff. Imagine what it takes for them to have that talk with a patient, within a week inpatient no less. This was no long term ongoing abuse that finally had to be addressed, she whipped it right out apparently. He was floored as I was and I'm sure we will never hear the rest of that particular story, at least not from her. I mean, who does she think she is??! Pretty sure right about now they are firmly in our corner, knowing she has children and grandchildren and only one is in evidence. And HE's about had it with her too.

Brother #2/the one in charge received a phone call just last night, advising that she's non compliant, as in zero compliance with therapists trying to assist her. A little while ago he advised that she is talking with hospital staff about the nearby rehab facility and they've assured her of good things, so supposedly she's hopeful. For now. Two hours from now who knows, yet another personality may show up. Lord knows there are plenty to choose from.

It's not a fun week but we're managing. The hospital manager had to speak to her ... imagine the conversations at that nurses station every time that buzzer goes off. Drawing straws? Rock paper scissors? Bets on what's wrong this time? BPD bingo??

[bloomie]

Sheesh! I am imagining the festivities among the staff when she moves on to rehab. Can't stay in acute care or even rehab if you refuse to try... 

[moglow]

As of this morning, mother's move to "a facility" in hometown was completed. I asked for clarification since that's literally all bro said in his message - it's to a rehab/nursing facility adjacent to hospital, depending on her compliance and needs. He said she seems hopeful; he refers to it as grim. I told him, at this point it's likely seen as a big improvement on home where not only is she alone but it's in deep need of thorough cleaning. If nothing else it -and hopefully she- will be cleaner in facility. It's not what I'd want for her or anyone else, but she's abused that body about enough now maybe someone can step in and either improve the situation or she finds acceptance of a sort. He's revealed that her personal hygiene is lax at best, this from a woman who was always fastidious about her person. Things have indeed changed. Except they haven't - she's still not talking to me, not about her plans, this move to rehab or her condition. I get polite thank you for texts then silence.

So that's where we are for now.