Wife vs. son: Snoop and ye shall find

[IsleOfSong]

So my wife can't help herself when it comes to criticizing our 17-year-old son — despite his excellent grades, good social life, steady employment at a record store he loves, and general kindness, she seems to work extra hard to find ways to criticize him, and as a result their relationship is very volatile.

Just yesterday, thinking that he's potentially vaping or worse, she went into his room while he was out with friends. And naturally, she found some CBD gummies in a drawer of his. While I'm not happy that he's experimenting with CBD, I can understand how the stress of living with his mother (not to mention peer pressure in this day and age with CBD products legal and seemingly everywhere) would lead to some version of this moment. However, I am very unhappy that my wife violated his privacy to find these things.

She wants to confront him about the gummies, but at what cost? What little love and/or trust he has for her will be obliterated, and I'll be left to sweep up the pieces.

In my mind, the best I (and maybe my wife, if she'll agree) can do in this situation is find a way to speak generally about the dangers of CBD, vaping, etc. for developing minds like his, without revealing that anyone has snooped in his belongings, and let him figure out a path forward. At this stage of his development, we can't compete with peer pressure and his impending adulthood all that much, so setting the best possible example and having a frank talk about the pitfalls of these things seems to be the best approach in my mind. Or am I off-base?

[SonofThunder]

Hi IsleOfSong,

If your son turned 18 tonight at the stroke of midnight, would his new adult status possibly change the way your wife reacted to her snooped discovery?

On the other side of that timeline, if he's 364 days away from 18, is her confrontation with him over potential legality of CBD at 17 vs 18, about his health, or about her own reputation that may swirl in her mind?

Also in the latter timeline, if in the USA, he can go off to war in 364 days or less so if health is her real concern, then she may want to combine the CBD health confrontation with a dangers of war chat...and if she also thinks he's oblivious in sexual education at 17, then she may want to add that to the agenda as well.

Also, for clarity of what you wrote, my understanding is that CBD gummies (no THC) and THC gummies are different animals. You wrote CBD gummies. CBD gummies in your area may require a purchaser to be 18.  If so and he purchased at 17, then that is imo is the only infraction, but again in either way, he's less than 365 days away from legal adulthood. 

Imo, unless he pays the mortgage, utility bills, insurance, car and so forth, you and your spouse may have rules for your own home, but thats not health or law, just house rules. If he wants to continue to live on your wallet at 17, yet cant abide by your house rules, then imo he can either get out his own wallet and pay rent or find another house to live in.

You wrote: "I'll be left to sweep up the pieces."  That imo has a 'caretaking' ring to it (see Fjelstad's wonderful book).  Again, he's at maximum 364 days away from legal adulthood and your spouse is already an adult.  If he or she are incapable of taking care of their own messes by this point, then this potential showdown will be excellent additional practice for both of them (without you involved).

I suggest you tell your wife that snooping in your son's room at 17 is not something you would participate in, and since your son is getting ready to be 18, that she and he are on their own with this one.  Then get your Out of the FOG toolbox out with noJADE and medium chill/gray rock at the ready.  Maybe even prep some popcorn for the event.  If your 17 year old son wants you to go to bat for him after her confrontation, then tell him that if he's adult enough to have CBD, then he can handle his own mother like an adult as well. 😉

In encouragement of you, my Out of the FOG comrade.

SoT

[IsleOfSong]

I suggest you tell your wife that snooping in your son's room at 17 is not something you would participate in, and since your son is getting ready to be 18, that she and he are on their own with this one.  Then get your Out of the FOG toolbox out with noJADE and medium chill/gray rock at the ready.  Maybe even prep some popcorn for the event.  If your 17 year old son wants you to go to bat for him after her confrontation, then tell him that if he's adult enough to have CBD, then he can handle his own mother like an adult as well. 😉

Thanks for this, SoT! Good point, and perhaps I am overthinking the 17- vs. 18-year-old nuance more than I need to.

For the record, the bag of gummies she found says both THC and CBD on the label. Not sure it changes anything as far as how I feel about it all — I'd vastly prefer he abstain from these things, but I'm in the real world enough to know that teens experiment when the opportunities arise. Heaven knows I saw plenty of alcohol and weed use all around me in my high school years... If his grades or other responsibilities were to take a nosedive as a result of such experimentation, I'd probably feel a lot stronger about all of this.

Fun fact: On our recent trip to Europe, my wife (not me) happily encouraged our still 16-year-old son to order alcoholic drinks at our dinners. It's interesting how such experimentation is seen by her as OK in some circumstances and as a perilous catastrophe in others.

[SonofThunder]

You wrote:

"On our recent trip to Europe, my wife (not me) happily encouraged our still 16-year-old son to order alcoholic drinks at our dinners. It's interesting how such experimentation is seen by her as OK in some circumstances and as a perilous catastrophe in others."

That reads similar to something that my PDstbxw would do.

Imo, children are an intensely scrutinized sustainer of the PD parent's self-esteem; a 'mini-me' of sorts.  The hypocrisy of the Europe experience you described imo helps explain what the THC/CBD gummies is mainly about; assumed reputation.

SoT