Motherhood and survival

[Bdb89207]

Hi everyone,

I have a question for those of you with NPD parents who are either parents currently yourselves or looking to become one soon.

My husband and I are looking to grow our family in the very near future.  A huge part of me yearns for the happiness and fulfillment that I believe motherhood can provide as I believe i have a lot of love to provide for my future children. Another big part of me does worry about how good of a mother I'll be since my NPD mother and her propensity for emotional abandonment didn't provide the best example.

I just don't want to give my future children any complexes or make them feel the way I did as a kid. I know no parent is perfect,  but I just want so bad to be the very best mother I can to my future kids and I think I'm putting a bit of pressure on myself to "perfect myself" as much as possible Before giving myself permission become a mother.

My question is, what is the experience of motherhood like for survivors of PD parents? Do you ever feel like you're good enough at it? Do you worry you'll affect your children like your parents affected you? How do you manage all of this while enjoying the experience of motherhood?

[bloomie]

Bdb89207 - what a great question and how wise to think through how your parenting could potentially be affected by your own childhood experiences.

The best advice I could give anyone considering starting a family is continuing working on yourself and growing in self awareness and healthy coping. Know what your triggers are, areas where you struggle and have fleas. Continue to take good care of yourself in every area - emotionally, physically, spiritually which will allow you the strength and energy you need to care for a vulnerable, precious child.

I grew up knowing there was something really wrong in my parents' relationship and our home. I didn't have a name for it, or terminology to use, but I knew in my knower I never wanted to be like my parents in most ways.

Strangely, that was a help to me in parenting. I determined to build a very different home and provide a safe and loving atmosphere for my children to grow and develop in. Like you describe with your own mother, mine was also abandoning.

A challenge was accepting I was going to make mistakes and understanding that my deep bond with my children could weather those mistakes when handled with humility and love and when they were not repeated over and over again.

Knowing yourself is huge as a parent. Knowing where you end and they begin. Giving room and space for your child to be uniquely themselves. Parenting is a privilege like nothing I have ever done and has been the joy of my life. I wish you everything good and lovely as you consider moving into this new season of your life.

(mod note - I hope it's okay... I moved your post to this board so that you could get more visibility and responses)

 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi Bdb, and welcome. Bloomie wrote some wonderful wisdom for you, and I heartily second what she said.

I too grew up knowing that I wanted to be nothing like my parents, but didn't have a name for it.

You are putting their well-being first, even in considering whether or not you should bring children into existence even though you have a deep desire for motherhood. That is a good mom thing to do. You are different from any NPD parent already.

My husband and I have seven children. The children and I are No Contact with both of our disordered families, he remains in contact with one of his siblings. We had some children before we knew anything about personality disorders or that we had been abused or that they were actually detrimental to our family, not just "difficult". There was a horrible year of trauma and drama and relationships blowing up all over the place seven years ago now, but we came out the other side.

You have a great advantage by going into motherhood educated and prepared for what your experience might be like. Of course, nobody's response to trauma is going to be the same, but there are patterns. One of the things that I'm experiencing, especially as we enter the teen years, is that my children trigger me. When they are going through stages of development, my inner child is reliving her own experience there. When my children are sassy or naughty or whatever, I'm remembering the harsh and abusive punishment I received for similar behavior, and I sometimes need to put myself in time out before I can discipline effectively. In short, I'm re-parenting myself as I am a mother in the normal sense. It can be HARD. I don't have the bandwidth to do therapy right now, but therapy is coming to me as I work through these experiences day in and day out. The frequency of these emotional flashbacks connected with my children's experiences certainly ebbs and flows. Some seasons it seems constant, others are smoother sailing. But it's definitely the eldest kids who trigger me the most, which would stand to reason. By the time the next child hits that triggering developmental stage, I'm better equipped to handle it. Not perfect, but it's easier. I think mothers normally feel a little more lost with the oldest child for the simple reason they haven't done this before. You and I would just be coming to motherhood with some more baggage to dump as we go and a bit of a steeper learning curve, perhaps, but everyone's journey is their own.

It's not all trauma by any stretch of the imagination. Most of the time it's just normal-messy beautiful family life. I relate to feeling like being a good mom is SO important that there is simply no room for messing up. But you are so right, no parent is perfect. It's not necessary to be perfect for life to be wonderfully worth living! I know I mess up every day. And I apologize to my children a lot. I read that the repair work that parents do when they make mistakes is one of the most important and formative things parents can do for children. It is a trauma response to protect oneself from the possibility of failure by not trying.

If you and your husband have a solid loving marriage, there is nothing more natural than that love bringing forth a child. It's natural and good that you feel apprehension at the enormity of the task. Your humility and recognition of your limitations will lead you get the help and resources you need, exactly as you are already doing here. You are also living in hope, that your trauma does not define your life. Your own life is a gift, despite all of the suffering you have endured. Your children's lives will be a blessing, too.