Breaking the trauma bond

[mary_poppins]

Hi all. I am not sure if this topic fits in the PD parents' section. You can move it if you want.

Anyway, a member of an online support group asked this question: "Why is it so hard for me not to go back to them?" (his parents) and he seemed like he was in a lot of pain. Many people responded but one comment stood out to me. This woman said that the reason we go back to them is this: we get something from our PD parents that we can't get from anyone else (or on our own). That is so true, I wish I could give this woman an award. I think she explained the main reason some of us can't go NC or have trouble staying NC (like me).

Deep down, I think I can't get another mother figure in my life, someone I can rely on or someone who would answer the phone when I called (mom would always call first but she is obsessed about it to the point of harassing me daily/weekly with calls).

In my last no contact, I tried to make friends with older individuals but nothing really stuck. The only friends I made were guys and the relationships were mostly superficial. If I knew I could make a tribe, or at least have one or two genuine, deep connections with people, no contact wouldn't be a big deal to me.

I think PD parents' brainwashing goes very deep. Growing up, they taught me that the only connections I could have were with them and I could not make other connections (see, they gaslit me to believe I can't get deep connections with others on my own-and this is wild because our relationships are FAKE and SUPERFICIAL, there is nothing deep there).

There is another aspect to this problem: limerence. If anyone here knows about limerence, they know it is about loving the fantasy, the dream of being with someone rather than the actual relationship with them.

A therapist (Heidi Priebe) talked about this limerence topic online. She said the same thing as the lady who commented on the guy's post about trauma bond. Limerence is when you think the person you like (or are infatuated with) can give you something you can't get on your own. It's like this person has the key to you soothing your own wounds, to connecting with yourself and your shadows (she said the person holds the key to your shadow self).

I think I am in limerence with my own parents. I am tied to the idea of them someday becoming loving and kind and this is something only THEY can do. I can't get this feeling of parental love and connection from other people (or myself).

In conclusion, to break the trauma bond we need to learn to give ourselves whatever we think we get from our PD parents. Anyone had some success with this?

[xredshoesx]

i know for much of my childhood/ early adulthood i kept thinking that my mother would magically change and all i had to do was try harder to be a good daughter.... ty for helping me put a name on this behavior.

i feel very fortunate i got out from under this as young as i did (21/22 ish).  for me- the break came with meeting my biological father and his other family and seeing the other side of the story for myself.  after that it was so much easier to disengage.  if someone's parents are still together, it makes sense that if one parent is uPD/PD and the other is in the fog, or worse, both parents are uPD/PD; that the pull to keep trying is even stronger for us, even well into adulthood.

gentle hugs to you today. reparenting yourself is hard.  for me, it was finding female role models who 'mothered' in the way i would have like to have been raised.  for my DH it was getting toys and things he was denied as a child (but saw his parents by for their other kids....) . once you find out what *it* is it's so powerfully and profoundly healing.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

This is such an intriguing aspect when dealing with parents with PD, but also heart wrenching.
 
I always felt that I was looking for their approval so then I would know I held worth as a human in this world. I was looking for them to validate my existence. The desire to feel of value and believing it was something my parents could give me is what kept me going back to them.
 
Only when I realized my parents did not hold the key to my value as a person did I feel like I broke free. A weight had lifted, and I still wonder at the freedom. Realizing the freedom has also been something that makes it easier to not "go back".         

It was a slow awakening, but it was steady. There was a triggering event six years ago where I physically walked out on my whole family. I have had limited durations of contact, but it mostly only serves as a reminder that being around them has no positives for me.
 

[olivegirl]

It was very hard for me for the longest time to stay away from my parents because they are extremely vindictive.

So I stayed connected because they are skilled at turning others against me with their smear campaign.

That said, once I fully accepted
that they were controlling me via fear, I decided to go No Contact because I was tired of betraying myself.

I will say that my going No Contact on my broke, authoritarian parents who are now in their 70s is significantly more impactful than if I had gone NC years before.

Their masks have fully dropped and shattered so their smears no longer are as damaging.

I was in denial for an exceeding long time; 

Now that I have accepted their immense toxicity, I feel so much relief for being rid of them! 

[sunshine702]

Limerence yeah I can absolutely see that.  I have this fantasy where my parents swoop in and bring me back home after the pretty SEVERE trauma I went though.  I have heard stories of family flying to foreign countries to bring their child back home.

My parents are instead emotionally abusing me - rage and invalidation.  Will not have my back.  The wound pulsates with pain.

I am going to have to do this all myself.  Be this mythical parent because mine are so limited. Radical acceptance

[xredshoesx]

@sunshine702  I love that- radical acceptance to me doesn't mean I forgive or forget what my parents did.  it means I continue to move forward understanding fully WHO they are and WHAT they are capable of if I let them have access to me and the life I have build since being fully NC with biological mother and VL VL VL contact with my father.  they each played a part and I see it with clarity for exactly what it was/is.

[mary_poppins]

Limerence yeah I can absolutely see that.  I have this fantasy where my parents swoop in and bring me back home after the pretty SEVERE trauma I went though.  I have heard stories of family flying to foreign countries to bring their child back home.

My parents are instead emotionally abusing me - rage and invalidation.  Will not have my back.  The wound pulsates with pain.

I am going to have to do this all myself.  Be this mythical parent because mine are so limited. Radical acceptance

Hi sunshine. Wow, I can totally understand you here. The fantasy of them coming back to you and apologizing, of making things right is so strong. I have it, too. It is so hard to deal with it.

[mary_poppins]

It was very hard for me for the longest time to stay away from my parents because they are extremely vindictive.

So I stayed connected because they are skilled at turning others against me with their smear campaign.

That said, once I fully accepted
that they were controlling me via fear, I decided to go No Contact because I was tired of betraying myself.

I will say that my going No Contact on my broke, authoritarian parents who are now in their 70s is significantly more impactful than if I had gone NC years before.

Their masks have fully dropped and shattered so their smears no longer are as damaging.

I was in denial for an exceeding long time; 

Now that I have accepted their immense toxicity, I feel so much relief for being rid of them! 

I am happy you went NC. It seems you are at peace with it. That is my goal as well. Thanks for sharing.

[mary_poppins]

I was looking for them to validate my existence. The desire to feel of value and believing it was something my parents could give me is what kept me going back to them.
 
Only when I realized my parents did not hold the key to my value as a person did I feel like I broke free. A weight had lifted, and I still wonder at the freedom. Realizing the freedom has also been something that makes it easier to not "go back".         

Blueberry Pancakes: I like your post so much. It made me think a lot. Because I behave in the way you behaved before your realization. Thx!

[mary_poppins]

i know for much of my childhood/ early adulthood i kept thinking that my mother would magically change and all i had to do was try harder to be a good daughter.... ty for helping me put a name on this behavior.

i feel very fortunate i got out from under this as young as i did (21/22 ish).  for me- the break came with meeting my biological father and his other family and seeing the other side of the story for myself.  after that it was so much easier to disengage.  if someone's parents are still together, it makes sense that if one parent is uPD/PD and the other is in the fog, or worse, both parents are uPD/PD; that the pull to keep trying is even stronger for us, even well into adulthood.

gentle hugs to you today. reparenting yourself is hard.  for me, it was finding female role models who 'mothered' in the way i would have like to have been raised.  for my DH it was getting toys and things he was denied as a child (but saw his parents by for their other kids....) . once you find out what *it* is it's so powerfully and profoundly healing.

Hi redshoes. I am trying to reparent myself. Doing inner child work at the moment. I like that your husband is trying to get the toys he didn't get as a child. That is very interesting. I was very rarely taken to amusement parks or playgrounds as a child (recently realized it). So, my joy is to be on a swing or use the devices you find on a playground. However, I have to do it when no one is around-early in the morning on a weekday, for example.

Also: finding female role models. Wow, I wish I could find these models, too. Not sure where to look for. There are some nice mothers in tv shows or movies but Idk if they count.