Discovering Discovery, Settling Settlements

[SeaBreeze]

We can't share legal advice or discuss specifics to our divorce cases here on the Separating and Divorcing thread. But I did go back and search for posts regarding discovery, settlement, mediation, and trial.

Currently, I'm going through Discovery. Hoping to settle without a trial. Adult kids, so no custody issues, just property division. Here have been my key takeaways as far as more general or generic advice from past posts:

1. Hire an attorney. Especially if the PD has hired one.

2. Keep answers short, simple, to the point. (In other words, no JADE!)

3. Keep your eye on the prize. (In my case, the prize is finalizing the divorce while agreeing to a fair and equitable division of the marital estate.)

4. As far as property and/or assets division, have both an ideal figure and private bottom-line in mind for negotiation. Decide which hills to die on vs. what is worth giving up for your peace and freedom. Let the PD enjoy a few wins now to ensure you win in the long run. (I've already freely given up certain things, with a short list and certain figures in mind for my preferred outcome.)

5. Breathe. Treat yourself to self-care. (After initially freaking out upon receipt of my Discovery requests and questions, I was able to gather and upload most of my documents via smartphone. While curled up in my chair with a blanket, a warm drink, and quiet background music. Took breaks to stretch or walk. It took several days and several hours, but I got through it.) 

My own tip to add: After suffering a bonafide anxiety attack over the beast that is Discovery, I went through the list, circled anything relevant, X'ed out anything irrelevant, and wrote ? marks next to anything I wanted my attorney to clarify or object. I then tackled each circled request or question one at a time. Then emailed my attorney about the ? marked items which they agreed we will object to. Most of this from my the safety of my chair and comfy blanket as described above.
 
Next is, hopefully, settlement. Any other general tips or advice from those of you who have been there, done that, and came out in one piece (peace) on the other side?

[StartingHealing]

Sending you all good. 

I can only relay what I've learned from my own experiences.  The attorney I utilized was not experienced with "high conflict" people.  Not good. Depending on how the "feels" are there were multiple attempts to demand items that had already been provided.  Not my fault that the loose cannon couldn't keep track of things after they were in her custody. That's where photographic evidence is really handy to have with date and time stamps in the photos. Any "proof" of personal property division could be beneficial. As well as blocking every line of communication so it all has to go through the attorneys.  And financial statements of any joint accounts before you closed them or removed your name from them could come in handy.   

The loose cannon did their damnedest to weaponize the legal system against me.  Spurious legal actions was a favorite along with refusing to engage in the process.  It also didn't help that the attorney on her side was "running the case" in order to collect more $$$ and was agreeing to whatever to keep the $$ flowing.   

She intentionally drew out the proceedings, took a year to get final orders from the time she got served them even though they were filed 3 months prior,  then another 6 months to come to a resolution on the marital house.  Net effect is that even through the actions she took damaged her in the areas of time and money,  she didn't care because in her mind I was the evil nasty one and she was going to "punish" me.

The net result for me is that I've ended up in a far better place in all areas.  Mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and financial.  Last I heard 4th hand, her house of cards has collapsed.

I will say that while going through it sucked really really bad, being on this side of things is such a wonderful experience!  I revel in the peace, the ease of the day, the silence.  Glorious!

[escapingman]

 

An attorney is a must when divorcing a PD, the most important reason is for someone else to do the talking. I could never ever have completed the divorce without other people involved. When we started the negotiations I came from lets split everything 50/50 point of view whilst xPDw wanted it all. It was actually quite ridiculous as she wanted a monthly maintenance of more $$$ than I earned a month.

As StartingHealing wrote, in the end I would have paid anything to get out of that marriage. Life on the other side is wonderful and peaceful.

Good luck.

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you, SH and EM, for your suggestions.

I am VLC with stbx, with any legal discussion or negotiation being left between our attorneys. (One point which stbx and I actually agree on, at least.) Finances were already mostly separate the past several years other than property we own together.  In my case, I am the lower earning spouse; however, I've waived alimony and am asking for less than half of the marital estate. But apparently, I'm still asking too much, based on the language used by his attorney so far.

I'm more than happy to let our attorneys fight this out while I *try* focusing on other things (like my new PD-free life!) but I'm still hoping for a fair and equitable outcome. I realize I can't control how stbx or his attorney react, but after years of being the buffer zone between stbx and our kids, it's nice to have my attorney as a buffer zone between stbx and myself!

[losingmyself]

In reply to StartingHealing's post about dragging out the process, in my state, it is illegal to intentionally draw out a divorce. My ex tried it, and stupidly mentioned those plans in a message to his brother that I could see. I printed it and sent it to my lawyer, who is very good with high conflict people, and a motion to give me sole custody of the homestead, keeping him off of my property was filed immediately. Which went before a judge. It was awesome!!
My point is, know the little nuances of the law. Hopefully you have a good lawyer who won't take sh** from anyone, and who lets you know when an illegal activity is going on. I read all I could get my hands on about divorce laws in my state, otherwise I wouldn't have known to ask about that message, and would have just passed over it.
It is so nice to have that lawyer buffer zone!!
Enjoy your new life of peace and happiness, SeaBreeze!!!