Amateur psychologists

[Bdb89207]

Hi everyone,

Growing up, my NPD parents were what I refer to as amateur psychologist.  They always had some low level psychology books, magazines, or articles laying around the house and were ignorantly misusing and weaponizing the info in there to falsely diagnose, label, or manipulate my sister and I as well as each other.

I recall one day my mom had wrongly diagnosed me with some sort of disorder and promptly took me to my parent's marriage therapist for evaluation.  After meeting with the therapist,  he plainly told my parents "she's the most normal and healthy of you all. But I do think there's some issues and concerns in the home that are affecting her and need to be addressed."

Of course, to hear I was normal and my home environment was dysfunctional was a double assault to my mom, so I never went back.

Anyway, did any of you with NPD parents have this issue of them weaponizing psychological resources and tools to try to create complexes in you and manipulate?

[NarcKiddo]

My mother did not specifically use such resources to create complexes or manipulate. She was good enough at that anyway. But she is very interested in the subject, while happily misunderstanding information or using it to further her own ends in general. In particular she likes to act as an informal love life counsellor to all who are foolish enough to confide in her and I am sure she uses the information for those purposes to make her sound authoritative.

I love what the marriage therapist told your parents. How glorious!

[Rebel13]

I agree, it's so great when therapists call out dysfunction. Unfortunately for you, and me, that also separates us from help we might have been able to use, since our disordered parents would never accept help that labeled them as the problem.

My mother was an elementary school teacher and as such, considered herself an expert in child development. She was, of course, very wrong about that. But that didn't stop her from using pop psychology and developmental theories to pathologize me and my brother as we grew up.

In my junior high school, many years ago, it was a common thing for girls to write each other long notes on paper, fold them in complicated ways, and then pass them in the hallways between classes. One of my notes, wherein I described my social struggles in typically tween melodramatic language, fell into the wrong hands, and was passed on to my mother. With no explanation, she rushed me to an "emergency" therapy appointment, where the therapist questioned me about suicidal intentions, becoming increasingly puzzled when I expressed zero knowledge about why she was asking, or indeed, why I was even at the appointment. I remember her sending me out of the room and calling my mother in. And that was the last time I saw that therapist.

Later, when I had moved away for college, my mother had a few sessions with a therapist I had seen at a local community mental health center. (Because of course, she couldn't find her own therapist.) This only served to empower her to be more of an entitled PITA than she had been before. I think this is a common scenario. I remember one visit home, where she was harshly criticizing my appearance (another common theme), and I told her to stop. She said, "I have a right to express myself!" And I said, "You absolutely do, and I have a right not to hear you. If you keep it up, I will leave." This was during a family dinner with her parents. She didn't stop, and so I did get up and leave, which she found unbearably humiliating, I guess, but it worked, as she never criticized me like that again.

[sunshine702]

Not in my FOO but my ex partner I now honestly think was a Narc not BPD and I think he WEAPONIZED his Master's in Psychology training to abuse me.  I remember him telling me about Intermittent Reinforcement like it was classwork while I can see now adding one carrot to 5 sticks.

I sadly hate therapists now.  I just do not trust

[LemonLime]

My uPD sib has a master's in psychology.  She has accused various non-PD FOO of triangulating, baiting and projecting.  She has invoked the Karpman Drama Triangle to accuse me of playing Victim

 

It really is mind-bending.
No wonder I was so so confused for so so long.

[Liketheducks]

So much yes.   In some ways, I don't fault them.   Our house was full of self-help books.   I think we all can use a little help and self-awareness.  They did try/are trying to the best of their ability.   But, the irony sometimes makes me shake my head.   My father's high school psychology class became a degree in psych at one time (totally untrue).   He used to trot out a lot of Tony Robbins quotes.   That never stopped the abuse or pathological lying.

Mom usually used the toxic positivity approach.  If I just manifest a solution, it will appear.   No amount of manifestation would fix THIS.

I think it is easy to read these books and cherry pick the gems that support your own agenda.  That plus our specific form of parenting woes, with NPD/BPD...gaslighting the people around you into believing that they're the problem is an easy flex.

[Liketheducks]

My uPD sib has a master's in psychology.  She has accused various non-PD FOO of triangulating, baiting and projecting.  She has invoked the Karpman Drama Triangle to accuse me of playing Victim

 

It really is mind-bending.
No wonder I was so so confused for so so long.

My mother had roped in a cousin/also a counselor specializing in PTSD.  You would have thought that the cousin would know better.  She had her totally convinced that I was the villain in the drama triangle.   She became a major flying monkey.   

All I can say is, even mental health professionals are human.   

[Marianne]

Dad just recently did this:
- I know exactly what's wrong with you.
- Sure. What?
- I won't tell you.
- Dad, that's annoying.
- No, no, it will only make you upset if I tell you.

 

Mum also:
- My psychologist says it is very normal to tell your child her dad will die because of her.
- Sure mum.
- Yeah, she said it is very difficult to raise a hypersensitive child like you.

I later found out she was reading books about all sorts of psychiatric disorders. Like a book about a mother who always knew her daughters puberty was abnormal, and sign of a psychiatric disease. (Because a kid that protests when you hypercontrol them and scream insults at them all the time...clearly has a problem...and not you...). 

[SaltwareS]

Not in my FOO but my ex partner I now honestly think was a Narc not BPD and I think he WEAPONIZED his Master's in Psychology training to abuse me.  I remember him telling me about Intermittent Reinforcement like it was classwork while I can see now adding one carrot to 5 sticks.

I sadly hate therapists now.  I just do not trust

Sunshine! My NPD parent worked as a psychologist for 25 years. I too struggled with trusting therapists, I think there is too much blind trust of anyone with "Therapist" as their job title. But I eventually found a good one after a really incompetent one mediated therapy between me and my parents when I was in my 30's.

The incompetent therapist was hired by my NPD parent, after that NPD parent had shopped around for a therapist who would be compliant with what that parent wanted. ***I should have seen it coming***! <= That's the key ingredient to something being traumatic.

Also I suspect my NPD parent was pretty good as a psychotherapist when it came to other people but was blind to her own attachment issues. She was mild NPD until I got more independence in my 30's and I discovered this different behavior that emerges when their adult children blossom. It's the appendage syndrome where they see people as their appendage and want to reattach it, get the person back under their control so that any power I gain becomes power they gain or something. I don't think they even understand themselves.

[sunshine702]

Therapists are supposed to do what is called "Shadow Work".  I have had it described where you are on a three wheel motorcycle - if you never deal with that back right tire (your junk) you go around in circles not forward.  I don't think these people can / will do that so I am sorry it makes them limited.  Good but not great.

My ex HATES me for not praising him as a therapist. I was Stale supply.  But I just couldn't until he dealt with his back right tire.  Why I got discarded like a broken toaster.  He is On to new shiny toaster.