New to Out of the FOG. M w/life long BPD just passed.

[WRATGAS]

My 80 yo BPD mother just passed. Heard stories from a sibling of hers of how she was extremely difficult/strange/mean on/off behavior even as a 3 yo. In her school years she began her "fantastical thinkng" and habitual lying.  She also was on on/off screamer in in her youth.

I have no specific memory of her prior to my early teens except for 1) her pinching me on the thigh under the restuarant table if I misbehaved and 2) her re-making my bed after I made it in the morning before school.

She called me "the worlds first perfect child"....from my birth all the way into my mid 20's.  No pressure... right!? 

I felt like I was a prop in her idea of how life should be.

I still to this day have a very negative physical negative reaction to a particular fabric, usually of womans clothes, I think it is rayon.  Not sure what that means.

Looking back, she seemed to be a functioning alcoholic\, always with wine, red cheecks, preferred othersw doing the driving. 

She divorced my dad when I was in my early teens and I went to live with my dad and sibling.

While driving around with my friends one day when we were in HS, my friends convinced me to all go over to her house which we did and then proceeded to get high with her, which i didnt think we would do.   Inside i was mordified.   Yes... she was one of those parents, trying to be my friend instead of my parent.

She never came to ANY of my sports events.   I played 3 sports in JH/Middle and 2 in HS. My dad came to many.

In my late teens, she got re-married to a saint to her/milktoast man who had 4 kids of his own who i still have a relatively good relayionship.  They were married for over 30 years until his death a few years ago.

From my late teens and for the next 30+ years I was C/NC with her trying to 1) "honor your mother and father", 2) be that perfect child.   I would cycle 6-12 months of NC then 3-4 months of C.  I chased this for 30+ years only going full NC approximately 10 years ago. I wish I had done it in my teens.   Oh well. Thats what thereapyis for I guess.

My sibling and step-siblings and their spouses would be rotated by her simingly random gaslighting. We all figured it out and dealt with it in our own way. I felt bad for my step-siblings as her antics alienbated them from their dad.

My brother and his spouse have dealt with/taken care of her exclusively for at least 15+ years. I thankful for that though we are astranged for the last 8 or so years.  In their obituary of her they shared that she never got help and refused an infornal diagnosis/suggestion of BPD.

I'm glaqd that she is not in pain or struggling any more.

BPD is no joke. Identify it early, offer some resources/help but ....

IMHO.... stay away from it for your own and your loved one well being. Tough love until THEY get help and show you and others over an extended amount of time that they are better. Simialar i guess to that of an alcholic.

Heres a helpful music viedo piece of art that i have resently found helpful.

[bloomie]

WRATGAS - what a journey you have been on. I am so sorry your mother was not healthy enough to be safe and offer you the nurturing and love you deserve.

I am thankful you have found this community of fellow travelers. The death of a disordered, destructive parent is complex, I have found. Often leaving in the wake of their life choices broken relationships between siblings and wounded adult children.

Thank you for sharing some of what brings you here. I hope you find your time here as healing and validating as I have! I look forward to supporting you and seeing you out there on the forum boards.