Am I the problem?

[Marianne]

I feel so...happy.

This is weird. My main concern is my faith. But I'm so relieved to acknowledge to myself how hurtful he has been to us. And step away.

My grief over my son is enormous. And I'm grieving over my dad. But I feel I can build a life again. And be honest to myself.

I am still hoping he turns around one day. But wish I had done this years ago.

[Marianne]

Dad asked for an example why I felt unsafe that kid lived there.

I told him kid gave signals that frightened me.

He asked what.

I said kid said he wanted to die because of how it was there.

Dad freaked out. Not worried about kid in the slightest. But accusing me of lying. Saying I was a nasty person. Saying he'd have a word with kid (fuck). Asked why I said that. I said: you asked. He: said I told him that just to hurt him. Which wasn't the case.

Then he threw me out and nearly smashed the door in my face.

I am done with that.

I am so sad we didn't manage to find each other.

But I feel such relief to not have to lie to myself. And be triggered all the time.

[Marianne]

Sorry for writing so much...I need to vent...the situation is shitty.

I just spoke to our old child therapist. She knows my family well. She recommended me years ago that I needed to find love, acknowledgement and acceptance outside of my family...and never expect them to self-reflect, because I cannot force that. My father said this lady said really bad things about me to my brother. But said he wouldn't say what. The therapist said: no way. I had a realy fierce talk with your brother... because his worries were vastly different than mine. She was mostly worried the mother-childbond between me and my son got no room.

So apparently my dad was scaring me with a manipulative  story...again...

[Marianne]

I feel stupid writing it all out...

I will do the most difficult thing I ever did. And be silent about the way my family hurt me and my kid. Even the mild physical abuse against me, that I can prove. I spoke to CPS, and they already think my "distrust" is the problem. Anything I say will not be believed. And will backfire. My dad will be hurt. Our bond will worsen. He will fight harder. Kid will suffer for it. He'll portray me as the problem. They will believe him.

I will work along. And be there for my kid the best I can in the time he is with me. And tell my dad he's perfect. And pray things will improve. And keep a good connection to kid.

Kid says he's okay. I HATE it. But sometimes speaking up makes everything worse for your kid.

I will stick to my reality. And tell my kid about it when he grows up. And live the best life I can. But I think all I can do is pray. I spoke up a billion times...and it never made it better. Only worse.

[mary_poppins]

I realise they broke me so, that I did become part of the problem. And that I will never be able to protect my child or our bond. My heart is breaking and breaking and breaking. And I hate myself for not leaving the family many years before - with my child.

Careful about self-hate. I know it is tempting to throw a lot of vitriol at self for not doing things that would have improved your life. Used to be like this, too. But I learned how to practice self-compassion in support groups. Now I don't say I should have gone no contact sooner or I should have worked harder, etc.

The inner child is running your life due to the early abuse. And inner kids can't think rationally, only trough emotions. They need love and a lot of healthy parenting. We cannot parent these inner kids while in touch with abusive and dysfunctional family members. They discourage us from doing it.

That means that whatever you did in the past is what you knew best. What the inner kid knew best. How can one run their own lives without proper tools for healthy and successful adulting? We were not given those tools.

[mary_poppins]

Also, by reparenting your inner child, you will have more energy and mental space for your own child. It affects all your relationships positively.

[Marianne]

Thank you...

I try to be kind to myself. But I hate how I decided when kid was a newborn that the family trauma on both sides would stop there. I fought so hard. But I met such resistence from ex, family, CPS...and even within myself...that he's still stuck with all the intergenerational mess. It pisses me off...because I've pointed things out to everyone, and nobody wanted to help. And I just...I wish I had been stronger for him. I should have either gone no contact...or quenched all the trauma responses that they now use against me and fought more strategically.

I have to decide today:

1. I speak up to CPS. This means I don't have to live with all the lies anymore. But the relationship with dad & family is 100% over. And he will fight back. I am unprepared. He has been strategically prepared for decades.  Hiding every weakness even for those closest to him, collecting proof of every trauma reaction of mine, getting the whole family on his side with twisted stories. I will likely lose my son, because he will portray me as crazy and suicidal (which I was, but for a reason). My responses are open...his covert...he knows by now how to drive me into despair with the subtlest underhanded threat or stonewalling.

2. I stay silent. And lie that there's no problem in my family. I'm under full control of my dad then. He will use underhanded threats and emotional blackmail to keep me in line. Kid will stay with him. But dad says he is willing to let him be with me three days a week...even if CPS is against it. My integrity is to ruins. But I can be there for my kid in the three days a week he's with me. I can keep hoping that dad turns around and opens up...and there's a real father daughter relationship again...and my family will be whole. I just have to swallow my pride. And pretend the family is perfectly loving and I to blame for it every mistake. We could have christmas dinners and eat ice cream together and all will be well...except I will always know it's a big fat lie...because my dad can stab me in the back if it suits him, and not feel a dash of guilt about it.

And the sad thing is...dad thinks he did well...because he thinks I'm such an evil monster that all his manipulation and scheming was justified...and doesn't understand his manipulation is what causes my fear...as my fear also increases his manipulation...and we needed to solve this together. Not fight eachother.

[Marianne]

3. I pack my bags and leave to another country. A neighbouring country supposedly is a lot better with keeping parents & children together. I could go to court there. Which is nonsense. Because kid will call the family and they will drive him right back.

[Marianne]

Sorry for writing out all my weird thoughts here...it's just a really tough time. And I'm clueless as to what is best for my kid. And me. And dad. And rambling here to make up my mind.

[Marianne]

Hey guys,

I could use some support. I'm losing my kid to my dad. And I'm also causing him trouble, because dad undermines me so that I have all sorts of trauma responses. After decades of this, I cannot keep my responses in check anymore. It's just too painful. And I hate myself for it, because I'm also causing my kid pain.

[xredshoesx]

sending love and strength @Marianne

[Marianne]

Thanks.

[Rebel13]

I'm wishing for the best for you and your son Marianne.

[Marianne]

Thanks...thank you.

I wanted to ask: does anybody Christian have any bible text or song to take as an anchor to the hard times? It always helps me.

[sunshine702]

Sounds like you have empathy and DEEP TRAUMA from the EPIC ABUSE.

Journal.  Write out what happened.  Then re read it 3 months later.  Think about that story if your friend at work told you that.  We often tend to recognize abuse for others but are too close to see it ourselves. 

You are.not the Narc.  At all

[sunshine702]

For Christian stuff
I listen to CS LEWIS stuff and other Christian Motivation channels on YouTUbe.  I was the only way I could sleep it calmed  my heart

[Marianne]

Thank you. Thanks. I'm so scared God is angry at me for not protecting my child better. He gave me insights in what to do...but I was so traumatized I failed. He told me to be still. But I panicked and called my dad five billion times to say I wanted to die please please stop. He didnt stop. But uses it against me now. :-/

[Marianne]

My child will be placed with my dad. But he will not see me less. CPS will be involved.

They also checked with my ex. My son has a half-sister and half-brother. Poor things.

I'm supersad about all the lost dreams.

[moglow]

When God tells you to be still, stop where you are. Breathe deeply and shut out distractions. Find peace inside you wherever it lives. Listen to the quiet voice inside -not the screaming demanding one- as long as you need to. Don't act/panic, just sit with it for a few minutes and let the loudness pass, if that makes sense.

[Marianne]

Thanks.

I feel torn in pieces inside. Can this heal?