Weird remarks

[Marianne]

Mum had an incredibly warm side. Like, really kind and caring to the extreme.

Mum also did crazy stuff. That made me question myself: is this on purpose? Why? WTF, WHAT just happened?!

- Mum faked illness and subtly sabotaged kids to get attention as a kid.
- When I was away longer term, my landlord wanted to enter my home. Mum did not ask me. But cleaned my home and stole my diaries. She guilt tripped me when I kindly asked her to not do that ever again. She said she wanted to protect them from my landlord. I said: you could have asked...
- She forced me to sleep in a tent with my first boyfriend and I had sex against my will. I protested with her...saying I didn't want to sleep with him...but she said: you just have to.
- I was in an extreme situation and started to freak out. Suddenly I went totally paranoid and said: you and the family killed grandma (she had crazy-abnormal-fast parkinsons and mum always fed her/gave her drinks) and drove uncle insane and to suicide (he tried to suicide himself). Mum calmly answered: yes,  we did, we killed grandma and drove him to suicide. No clue it was sarcasm. But wtf. I entered psychosis right then and there.
- Mum made up all sorts of lies and manipulations to everyone.
- When I was in a ward, and terrified of my own nightmares being real, mum brought me a pyjamas that said: take your dreams seriously. I freaked out
- When I met someone who started love bombing me, and for the first time noticed right away and went no contact...mum tried to subtly manoeuvre me back.
- Mum blamed me for quitting contact with my sociopath ex....who abused me and son terribly. Even after knowing all he did...and the judge saying no contact...she still told me how bad it was of me, and how he was such a family man.
- When I first spoke up about my uncle's incest, she said: oh, but he had such a bad childhood... pitying him...
-
And a lot more.

These are...weird? Are they not?

[j.banquo]

Yes, all of that is weird and worse.

[Marianne]

Thank you.

But how should I see her caring side?!? How on earth can these two mums be in one body? 

And what word do I use to describe this? What's this named? Narcissistic abuse? Munchhausen (by proxy)?

[blacksheep7]

I'm so sorry your M put you through that.

I just can't see the good/caring side of a person when there is Evil lurking. Nothing to make you feel safe.  I agree with you.

Like I once told my covertM about my Raging N father, the bad dominated. I don't really have any good memories of any good in him, if any at all.  Fear consumed us.

Hugs!

[Marianne]

Thanks. I am so sorry, you lived in such fear.

My family was strange.

My mum could go out of her way to help me and care for me as well. And have fun. Like, real. Almost the perfect mum. Were it not for weird stuff like the above, That made her good side only more disorienting. I just still cannot understand. Did she do it by accident?!? Have multiple personalities? Real good acting skills?

She'd come to my birthday in her last weeks, with such efforts, to be able to celebrate my holiday with me. She'd pick the loveliest presents and wrote the sweetest words en gave the best hugs. Only to then manoeuvre me back to an abusive idiot an hour later. Or scream how worthless I was. Complete riddle. :-/ 

[blacksheep7]

Like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

[Marianne]

Yeah. That. And they both seemed real.

[Rebel13]

Alternating kindness with, let's say, OTHER behaviors is a well known tactic of abusers. It's what causes trauma bonds and Stockholm syndrome. The abuser doles out kindness to keep the victims hooked into the cycle, thinking, if I could only be good enough, smart enough, whatever, then s/he would be nice to me like this all the time! See, s/he can be nice! It's possible! It must be me, or something I'm doing, to make the bad times happen. This may or may not be conscious on the part of the abuser, but the effect on the victim is the same either way.

The other motivation is image management. For example, narcissists often behave very well and are charming when other people are around, but the good behavior disappears when in private with the victim(s). This also keeps the victim locked into the abuse, because other people are convinced the abuser is so kind, they would never do whatever the victim is accusing them of. This ensures that there is no help or rescue for the victim.

These are terrible scenarios and I am very sorry for anyone who has to suffer through them. I hope you have gotten away and are managing your own life and keeping yourself safe now.

[Rebel13]

Here's a video by Ingrid Clayton, PhD on the subject of trauma bonds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anqQZhCGSfQ

[Marianne]

Thanks. That was helpful. I think we are actually both doing this. Because my dad is double, I also switch between being kind and angry with him. I try to force myself to stay kind...but there's so much unacknowledged  pain, that my angry comes out sometimes. I never in life did this with others. Ever. I don't think i've ever even raised my voice at my kid or had more that a strong discussion with my safe ex.

I decided to distance myself from my family as far as possible. They keep me sick.

I cannot protect my child...he lives with dad because I got bad ptsd and dad took him in under threat...and I am breaking inside every day. But I can't stop it. I see the same dynamics play out..where he is threated reasonably well, but taught his mum is bad and crazy...and I confirm it because of the hurt it causes.

I can however stop de (mutually) toxic relationship with my dad.

[Marianne]

I say he is treated well...I mean: not scapegoated unless he speaks up.