Struggling with daughter's behavior

[starthealing2]

My husband and I have recently been going through big marital issues over the last few months as I have been really opened to the verbal abuse I have been put through over the last decade of our marriage. Our middle daughter who is now 9 has kind of always had periods of tantrums and fits growing up. When she was getting to be maybe 5/6 yo I really started to feel like things weren't really right. My husband would never let me seek counseling for her and also didn't want us going to church since he isn't a believer so I have always had my hands tied. About 3 years ago we had to make a big move to a new state and left a lot of family behind. This was hard on all of us (although my husband always wants us to move- he is a 'grass is always greener' person). Since we have been here her tantrums that come and go have gotten worse.
     Recently they have started again and they sadly kind of coincide with us having our problems. I have told my husband I am contemplating divorce; he has slept in another room for a lot of the time and he also has said things to our kids against my wishes. I work night shift and he has always been a stay at home although he never did the stay at home things. I basically have lived as a single parent in regards to doing all their activities and things. The last month he has been flipped and now doing everything with the kids and being there for everything. But....he still remains harsh with their punishments and things. He has always been hardest on my middle daughter..always!
     A little background - So we do bedtimes different, always have. I spend time with the kids reading, singing, cuddling...he just kisses and says goodnight. It's never really been an issue. Mine obviously take longer but I enjoy the time with my kids and then they know what to expect from him the nights he puts them to bed when I am at work. Well recently her bedtimes have become unbearable! She screams that she is scared of her room. If we try and put her to bed she screams so loud, has attitude, throws things, says mean things to all of us, like really bad. I have always been the one to calm her down in the past, but these have gotten way worse. The hard thing is that when I am at work she seems to go to sleep for him better (her little sister sleeps with her), but when I am home (the one she really wants there) she does her worse. She has the biggest fits, treats me even bad. When I ask her why she goes to bed for dad she always says because he scares her and if he comes near during this time she will scream at the top of her lungs. Now we do have cameras in the bedroom so I can watch from work. I know he always threatens taking away stuff as punishment so this could be what 'scares' her but I also sadly know that scared feeling that he gives off because I have felt it for years!    But I don't tell her that.
      I finally got her to a counselor which she hasn't opened up too much yet. We have found that she does not sleep well at all. When I lay with her I feel like she doesn't even sleep deep at all. I can never 'sneak out' of the room because she immediately wakes up screaming and panicking. She has mentioned being scared from 'seeing a man' in her room just a few times. But then sometimes like with her dad, she goes in the room fine. Like she can turn on and off the scared feeling. But man, for me she is soooo much worse. It escalated a few days ago to kicking and even a slap to her older brother for getting involved. Then when I needed to sleep during the day she freaked out and wouldn't let me sleep. She basically went into a full blown anxiety attack for the first time, not being able to catch her breath after she acted out so badly. I called her counselor who said she sounds like major sleep deprivation. When I had to go to work she clung to my car so bad my husband had to pull her out screaming.    She is literally breaking my heart!! But she definitely is pushing boundaries, can be very disrespectful, and the tantrums are going out of control. My husband continues to get angry with her when she is in the heightened part of her tantrum which I keep trying to tell him she can't even understand you right now or in the right headspace.. But he has threatened to call the police which actually scared us both, and he will keep taking as much stuff away from her (like ipad/screentime, etc) as he can. I feel like this only makes her worse and then she clings to me like crazy. I am struggling so bad. I know she needs me and is crying for help, but I don't know how much of this is like just maybe in response to her dad and I where we are in our relationship, or if she really has a bigger issue or what. This is causing even more friction between him and I because we do not see eye to eye on how to handle it. She is a great kid, super loving and never has had issues in school socially or academically. We have tried melatonin to help with sleep but it doesn't seem to help at all in this way.
     Has anyone dealt with anything similar with the younger kids? Response to divorce or separations? Response to the verbal abuse from him over the years? Why do I get the worst of the bedtimes, which I know makes him feel like his way is the right way and so on..    any suggestions or comments are super appreciated. There is probably way more to this story but I don't know how much to write! 
Thank you!!

[Rebel13]

Hi starthealing2, I just wanted to acknowledge your post. I'm not a parent, so I don't have much idea of what would help in this situation, or how to figure it out.

As the child of a disordered person, though, I do so identify with your daughter's distress. That's another reason why I don't have much to offer you, unfortunately -- it's a little bit close to home for me. But I do hope some of the wise parents here will have ideas and support to offer you.

Wishing the best for you and your little girl.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks for posting, Start Healing.  That does sound heartbreaking!  Like Rebel, this sounds familiar from my own childhood, maybe 4, 5, 6.  It was the beginning of the horrific (mutilation,  etc) dreams and insomnia I've had off and on.  I think it's common for people from abusive homes. But maybe your daughter's is something different.

I don't know the laws around parental permission here.  I took my kids to counseling without consulting their dad (who probably would have said no), both before and after the divorce.  I don't know if they told him (I never asked them not to). Anyway, there were no repercussions for me.  Probably, if I'd thought it might have made getting custody harder, I would have waited until after the divorce.  But I was extremely lucky and got full custody with no argument from him.

I'm sorry you're both going through this!