Feeling trapped

[starthealing2]

So a few months ago I finally had enough... at least 10 out of 12 years of our marriage I have been dealing with the verbal abuse from my husband. He has been a stay at home dad as I have worked through the whole marriage. Although this was a mutual decision, he also never upheld the stuff that a stay at home should help with. I've basically been a single mom doing everything for our 3 kids for the past 11 years, which I wouldn't change because I don't like to miss a thing, but he rarely did anything other than be on his computer, fix things around the house or complain about how I have ruined his life. Throughout the years he would continually say how I ruined his life by trapping him in one state where all my family was, even though we had decided this since the beginning. He is always a 'grass is greener' person. We have moved houses several times in the same area about every 2 years because he wanted bigger and better. In the last few years we finally moved out of state, and since being here he has hated it even more. It's been all my fault that we made this decision even though we decided it together based on finances and having 1 family member in the area so we weren't alone. I have heard day after day how I ruined us all. He gets even worse when he drinks with the name calling and the threatening divorce and all the things. He would often just say things to me quietly for only me to hear (threats, mean comments, blame) and then go have fun with everyone around us and leave me to stand there trying to take a breath and move forward without anyone noticing, and I better not cry! Over the 10 years I never told anyone; not family or friends or anything.
     Recently I finally had enough! I noticed my older kids attitudes changing both by being disrespectful to us parents out of nowhere, as well as really shutting down when their dad would yell at them or punish them. His threats even to them were getting more crazy...saying he'd send them to bootcamp if they'd fight or have my 9 year old sign a 'contract' that she wouldn't be disrespectful ever or she'd lose her electronics. She was devastated as she thought this was a legal thing and would go to jail or get in trouble if she messed up. He always controlled bedtime. I work nightshift so when he puts them to bed he has always been quick, tuck in, kisses and bye. When I am home I read, sing, cuddle, pray, etc and he would get so mad at how long I'd take that it would always bring us tension at the end of the night. And if they got out of bed he would strongly say DO NOT go back there...but I often did anyway. He has kept me from going to church our whole relationship. I have grown up in strong Christian household, but I couldn't go or take my kids. Recently I found a church and I decided I am going and taking the kids! The loved it and my heart was just overwhelmed!!
      In my 'last straw' night, he drank and blamed me for everything...our life, his mom's death and their bad relationship, our kids behavior, etc and since I brought up divorce he started threatening me with all the things he could do as far as changing passwords to our bank stuff, house cameras, and so on. He said some horrible things that night.. Things I can never forget. Since then, I have spoke up about the years of verbal abuse. He has since said he realizes what he's done and stuff and wants to change. He is being involved in everything with the kids, doing chores, running errands, even stepping foot in church, etc. I am having such a hard time with this!! I don't feel like it's real, or genuine. I just can't get myself to trust him. He still has these crazy erratic ups and downs. Some days he's as nice as can be and others he flips out and is moody and starts telling me how if I go through this he will have us sell the house. I have tried to tell him the kids need the house for stability and to stay at the same school and have their friends and he just brings it up over and over. He has said many things to the kids that he shouldn't about us like 'mom doesn't love me anymore and that's why I am sleeping in another room.' Then he just decided one day (even though it was my boundary) to just move back in the bedroom because it was his and he deserved too...so now I have been upstairs with 2 of my kids because they are struggling with bedtimes all of a sudden. Also, the kids have all started to feel like they are all against me. I come home from work and everyone seems mad at mom for working and 'being gone.' They never did this before. My husband tells me 'ya you should hear some things they say about you not being here ever and stuff and I just defend you all the time.' This makes no sense to me unless he's feeding them things since he's with the 24/7 now being 'Disney Dad.'So despite him trying to act all 'perfect' now as dad and husband, if I don't respond well, he still gets upset with me. Says I am meaner and colder to him than he has EVER been to me and I am hurting him every single day and making him 'pay' for how he treated me in the past. This is NOT the case!! I am just trying to heal and I am hurt thinking of all he's done and how it's made me not even know who I am anymore. I have lost 20 pounds in 3 months, don't sleep well, but yet work full time nights and still take care of all the kids things and schedules and whatnot.
      Basically my 'trapped' feeling is that if I go through with this divorce he is going to fight and do EVERYTHING spiteful that he possibly can and in turn this is going to just hurt the kids. How can I do this to my children? How can I let them lose everything that they have right now? They have already changed schools several times and we are FINALLY settled somewhere and making a life here. He is going to drain all our money fighting I just know it and make us sell the house and then neither of us with be able to afford a new place, let alone the chances of finding in the kids school district. I am so terrified of what he's going to do if I file. I have tried to tell him its time for him to get a job but he is having a really bad attitude about it. How can I file and then make it as a night shifter like this? Find child care during the night? Pay for everything I already do, plus childcare, plus probably alimony to him and a place for him to live and lawyers for both of us since he has no money. He is already entitled to half of everything we have...I am so terrified of what this will do to the kids and because of that it just makes me feel like I just have to stay and feel like a zombie/robot and just continue life as its been...   Sorry for the long rant....its hard to just post a few things when there is always a back story to it :/  Thanks for reading!!

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! You have come to the right place! Welcome! So many of us here have been where you are right now! You are coming Out of the FOG. A painful experience.
I am so glad you decided to stop the silence and face the truth - you are in an abusive relationship. And his good behaviour now is called love bombing and will only last as long as he fears he might loose his cushy situation with you as his work horse. What he does with the children is called alienation, he is playing the children and you against each other, divide and rule.

There is a lot of information on this site, the Toolbox should be your first step. Read it often and begin to implement the strategies. In addition to coming here frequently and secretly - delete your browser history on exit - you should get real life support, a CoDA group, women's shelter, legal advice.
 
You have taken the first step. You can get through this. We are here to help and cheer you on. There are two books I found really helpful 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad and 'Why does he do that?' by Bancroft.

See you around on the boards!

[xredshoesx]

@starthealing2 sending you love and gentle hugs today.  I know with my ex (we had no kids and were not married) when I realized I was running the whole show and I didn't have a partner but a man child who was never going to commit to me was going to be an albatross around my neck for the rest of our time together it hit HARD


I am glad you are finding some community for you and your kids in your church family.  some people in relationships like yours have no other choice but to stay and work on themselves and boundaries - it sounds like you are already making some in deciding to not share sleeping areas with him.  as to leaving, please make sure you speak to a lawyer regarding what exactly your financial obligations will entail.  since verbal and emotional abuse are still abuse a local DV support group or shelter may be able to get you some low to no cost referrals as well.

you are doing everything in your power right now to keep your family afloat and I think your kids are at an age where they may not be able to see that mom and dad both love them, but dad's way of loving them has strings attached and that's a hard position to be in. 

what would happen if you asked your husband what changed to get him to be a more active parent/ adult in the household?  i feel that if you thank him he'll just weaponize it, but you may have to go that route  ie I really appreciate you doing more a,b c.  what do we need to do to make that keep happening kind of talk (in my professional life I have to do a lot of this to work with difficult people....)

if staying is the more realistic option for you/ the kids I want you to check out the board for members that are trying to make it work in the relationships-
Comitted to Working On It

just be gentle with yourself.  it's a lot to unwrap once you set it all out and putting it in writing makes it real REAL.

[starthealing2]

Yes, actually its funny you mention asking him to do more. Now that all this has come up he has become like 'disney dad' I like to call it. He is going to all sports games, joining the chat groups for them, joining school emails and things. Now he is with the kids 24/7 because I work night shifts 3 nights/week and somehow I feel like he has just flipped the kids against me. They all have a hard time when I leave or they say things they would NEVER say before like that I am choosing work over them... But all I can say is I have no choice! I have to keep the family afloat because I am the only one who works (even though I have no asked him to please look for a job--he is not really doing that). It just feels sometimes like its me against everyone! He takes them out doing fun stuff when I am sleeping, spending money and so on. But then he is also trying to look like the perfect stay at home too...finally doing laundry, cleaning...those kind of things, but if I don't say thank you for some things then I hear it later during an argument. Or he'll fight me on the fact that he's trying to do everything right and I am just 'punishing' him now because of all the years he hurt me. He'll say he knows what he did was wrong in how he treated me and he's trying to make it right but now I am the cold, mean one that hurts him everyday by not being close to him anymore or not knowing where I want this relationship to go. I try to explain that I am trying to heal from all the hurt over the years but I still see him doing the same things..or talking to me in the same manner/tone.. but he doesn't see it at all! He says all he did was 'say words' and yes that hurts, but what I am doing now in questioning our relationship and not being close or sleeping with him and so on is waaaay more hurtful than anything he's done to me. That literally shows me right there that he doesn't even understand the extent of what he's done over the years that has hurt me so badly. I just feel trapped and blamed for everything and losing my fight!

[notrightinthehead]

Try seeing it his way. You are his meal ticket, you enable him to have a comfortable life. He can say what he wants and blame you for his behaviour.You are responsible for everything. His wellbeing, his comfort, his moods, his behaviour.
Recently you have pulled back a bit, taken better care of yourself, not been his emotional punching bag as willingly, considered ending his comfortable lifestyle. So he is pulling up his socks a bit, it's called love bombing, showing himself from a better side, just long enough for you to come back and resume your position as door mat. You are not alone if you fall for the temporary good behaviour. I have done so many times. Until I realized I had to kill the hope of ever having a healthy relationship with this person.

[starthealing2]

notrightinthehead... ya I definitely see that now for sure. I get a glimpse about 1/week when all of a sudden he looses it again. Basically throw up his hands and say forget this..I do everything and am making changes and you (meaning me) change nothing. Yesterday morning was one of these instances. My middle daughter had a rough night (as has been happening--I posted on this in the parent forum)..she's basically another victim of his verbal abuse I am finding out  So my nights home with her she is quite emotional..has trouble going to bed, throws fits, wants me close, doesn't want dad near her (as he scares her she tells me), but his nights when I work nights..she goes to bed fine and stays in bed. She tells me its because he scares her (he gives lots of consequences), but he is convinced his way to put them bed is the right way and works (fast, don't stay in the room, consequences if they get up, etc). Soooo all this to say she had a bad night, ended up in my bed along with her little sister she woke up with the crying, and slept with me because i was exhausted and was working a day shift in the morning and needed sleep. When I woke up he was downstairs and already pissed!! Mad that I let them in my bed and that I don't change how I parent... I need to be tougher and harder and stick to it like he does according to him. That started a huuuge blowout. He was soooo mean. Threats left and right about 'exposing me' to everyone and all the things he thinks I am doing or hiding 'hes convinced I am sneaking around  ) . He started in with the threats again of  'we are over! forget couples counseling..I am going to fight you for everything you just wait, I see who you are! I don't trust you....' All the things! He said again that he's said  'hurtful words' to me over the years and thats nothing compared to the last 3 months Ive put him through of being cold, not physical, not sleeping in the bed, selfish, punishing him... He went on and on. There has been 2 instances he has sent me invites to join the 'apple family' on our iphones as he was setting up a thing to track my son in middle school. I have ignored these for now. I don't know much about them, but I have read that there i 1 organizer and that person (him) is in charge of everyones stuff...even if they add a parent. So naturally... I didn't want to give him any power over my phone so I didn't do it.. he then called me out in front of my daughters the other day saying why wont mom be a part of it and I ignored it so I didnt have to say 'because i dont trust you' in front of the kids. But of course this came up in our argument.. He accused me of not wanting to join because I am hiding stuff and how he doesn't trust me and this is why he's going to take everything and go through with the divorce and so on... I then told him that I don't trust him to have control and thats why. He was PISSED! He said thats not how that works and also can't believe I would say that.. I said its because of this stuff...you say youre going to take everything from me, so of course it makes me not trust you!! He still was super mad! Blamed me saying he knew it was because I would be hiding things can't believe it wont join and so on.... this was extremely stressful...Such a bad fight and The poor kids heard so much!!  I cried a lot, tried to defend myself some from his statements, but then 'I didnt care about his feelings as always' so I just got quiet and was crying. When I finally was going to leave for work he at that point said he wishes he could hug me cause I don't let him do any comforting (which is because YOU are the one upsetting me, why would I want YOU to comfort me). So I let him hug me just to appease him so I could leave. We both cried, then I threw up and then left for work...told the kids Id come home and play games before bed and missed them so much. Then while Im at work he said hes going to take them to a hotel for the night... which he did. He knew this hurt because I miss them so much since I work a lot and he doesn't. But then he guilted me by saying fine I won't take them even though they are excited. So of course I said they deserve it just go. I get a call from the kids later wanting me to come to the hotel after work which I KNOW he must have put in their head, knowing that I couldn't go because its late and far and I have to be back to work in the early AM. So...I had to disappoint them by saying no again. I feel like he totally set that up. So after his whole mean argument, I am also getting the Im sorry texts at work...wish you were here too..we miss you..its not the same without you...thanks for all you do and working so hard so we can do stuff like this...   So of course, I better be nice and positive or else itll just start the cycle all over again of me being mean and selfish.. 
Anyway...it was a really hard night being alone in the house.. feeling like someday if we divorce he'll have my kids like this sometimes and I will be alone. It was really sad. At the same time I am not looking forward to seeing him after work tonight and I am praying that we dont have to have 'a talk.'